Smarked for Death – WWE Extreme Rules 2010.

The show begins with Triple H vs. Sheamus in a Street Fight! But no it does not.  Sheamus attacks H with the lead pipe again.  Hunter has to be helped back.  Todd Grisham is in front of the trainer’s room and informs us many times over the night that Trips has suffered nerve damage and is unlikely to be able to wrestle tonight.

This of course means that the match will take place later tonight and Hunter will look like a God.  Coming out to wrestle despite all logic saying he should stay down.  Sheamus gets his gimmick weapon from Clue.  Is it the same pipe every week?  Or does Sheamus show up at the arena and have to search for a pipe?  Are the backstage areas of arenas full of discarded home improvement purchases?  I hope the WWE trucks carry the pipe for him or else that’s got to be a bitch to get through airport security.

To make up for the lack of a match, ShowMiz comes out.   Miz says they’re awesome, Teddy Long comes out to disagree and put Miz in his place.  A Gauntlet match is made, ShowMiz vs. three other tag teams.  We are now almost twenty minutes into a pay per view without one match.

ShowMiz vs. R-Truth and John Morrison.  JoMo counters the choke slam with a triangle choke.  Big Show falls across the ropes, Morrison doesn’t break the hold though.  So Miz and Show keep the titles by DQ.

ShowMiz vs. MVP and Mark Henry. Show punches MVP.  Miz pins him.

ShowMiz vs. Hart Dynasty.  Harts bum rush Show and knock him off the ring.  Top rope Hart Attack on Miz for the pin.

And we have new tag team champions now right?!  No, that would make booking sense.  The Harts get their title shot the next night on Raw.  This was just an unannounced title match involving 8 wrestlers (plus Bret and Natalya).  Carrying on a storyline that has been going for months.  Why on earth would it have a PPV blow off?  Plus featuring four tag teams in a match the night before the Draft could have been a way to hype the Draft.  Chances are at least two of these teams won’t be together after the Draft.  Play up the fact that the tag team champions are allowed to appear on all shows, and the tag titles become the most coveted belts in all WWE.  But no, this match was given none of the build up.

CM Punk beats Rey Mysterio with assistance from a mystery masked man, sure to be the newest member of the Straight Edge Society.  This match was insanely good.  Punk vs. Rey is feud of the year.  I cant think of anything bad to say about the match.  Drama, story line, cool spots, and a surprise end.  Punk keeps his hair, which stunned me.  I was positive he was losing his hair and was expecting the new CM Punk ball caps, available now at WWEShop.com, to be debuting this Friday on Smackdown.  Punk worked Rey’s back all match and Rey kept attacking Punk’s chest.  Punk breaks out a Gory special, where did that come from?!  Rey counters the Go To Sleep with a hurracanrana that rolled right into a pinfall.  Its been years since I saw Rey hit that move so perfectly.  Maybe since WCW.  Maybe even since Rey vs. Psicosis in ECW.  All signs point to the mystery member of SES to be a returning Joey Mercury.  Makes sense.  He is coming back, he did have drug issues, and he can fit into lots of story options for Punk.  Punk vs. Morrison round 2?

Strap match.  JTG vs. Shad Gaspard.  JTG wins with the old touching the turnbuckles behind the other guy’s back trick.  What a downer of a match.  Shad has looked weak since turning heel, this being no help.  JTG has so much potential but he looks like a fool.  The wrong guy got the makeover.  Cut JTG’s hair and put him in some trunks.  Give Shad a wife beater and jeans.  There, problem solved.  But seriously, the match was a huge let down.  More people watched the Women’s match, which is usually the bathroom break match at PPVs.  And am I the only one who had a problem with a match’s focus being whipping black men with leather straps?

Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton.  Swagger hits the gut wrench power bomb and keeps the title.  I am stunned.  Every sign before this match said Swagger would lose the belt.  He lost clean to the Undertaker on Raw.  Lost to John Morrison on Smackdown.  He won the title over an injured man, and he stole the win in a triple threat match.  Swagger looked to be a poorly booked, “maybe better luck next time”, first (and only) reign champion.  But all that changed tonight.  Swagger took everything Orton threw at him and still won.  He kicked out, he came back, and he took Orton to the limit.  Not the ECW championship, not Money in the Bank, not beating Jericho for the belt, THIS is the match that makes Jack Swagger.

Sheamus vs. Triple H in a Street Fight.  Trips is pinned after the forth big boot to the head.  There are two ways to look at this match, pro Triple H or anti Triple H.  Pro Trips says:   What a way to raise up a new talent.  Triple H put over Sheamus as a guy who could beat the hell out of a multi time world champion and pin him.  He made Sheamus a star and gave something back to the business.  What a humanitarian.  Anti Trips says:  Fuck all that.  Sheamus had to beat Hunter with a pipe, beat him from behind, beat him inside and outside of the ring, and Triple H still fought back!  Hunter had nerve damage and can’t hit a Pedigree (going with the match story line here) but can keep standing up after a beating?  Who the fuck is he?  Kick Ass?!  Hunter only “graciously” gave Sheamus the win and the rub after making himself look super human.

Extreme makeover match for the Women’s championship.  Beth Phoenix vs. Michelle McCool.  Let’s just say its a good thing Beth is now the champion.  I’ve never been a fan of McCool, and the whole match was worthless.  But such is the women’s division of WWE.  At least one of the few real wrestlers in WWE has the belt now.

Steel cage match Edge vs. Chris Jericho.  This could have been great.  A Codebreaker off the top rope.  The Spear used by Edge to get the pin, and also increasing to build that move as one of the most devastating in the history of WWE.  Attacks on body parts, Edge and Jericho cutting promos during the match, Jericho’s random and creative attempts to exit the cage.  The match was so good.  But with one huge flaw.  Jericho was out of the cage and didn’t put his feet on the floor.  He was out, fully standing on the ring steps and decided to get back into the ring.  The same man that was diving out of the cage earlier now wanted to win by pinfall?  Jericho now has some sort of honor?  No, sorry WWE but this was completely illogical and you ruined the match.

Last Man Standing Match: John Cena vs. Batista.  Cena wins via duct tape.  The most creative match in years.  I think I need to come up with a new term for this.  A comic book match.  It was like Hulk vs. Thor or Superman vs. Captain Marvel.  Minute after minute of power moves followed by the stunned silence as you wait ten seconds (or turn the page of the comic) to see if, could it be, yes, he got up!  The way Cena won didn’t make one man look weak and one strong.  It made one man seem smarter.  Craftier.  Cena pulls originality out of the writers that hasn’t been seen since the Attitude era.  A ridiculous slug fest of a match that could have destroyed Metropolis (or Baltimore as it were).

Matches of the night go to Rey vs. Punk and Cena vs. Batista.

Surprise of the night goes to Jack Swagger winning.

Doing nothing for your paycheck goes to Mark Henry.

Line of the night: Lawler “Memphis is the second most dangerous city in the country.”  Striker “Is that when you’re in town?”

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