Smarked for Death – TNA iMPACT 5/3/10.

Looking back on this episode, the fact is that someone is still waiting at the airport for Hogan and Bischoff to pick him/her up.  Considering the current state of the Knockouts division chances are that its a him.  Whoever that new talent acquisition is, he’s still sitting there looking for his ride and wondering if he has any old friends in Orlando that could come get him.

Your Big Announcement of the Week! is that iMPACT is moving back to Thursday nights.  Have to love the spin on it, “TNA is moving back home!”  Its just like what people say after graduating college.  Whatever makes you feel better about your failure, TNA.

Jay Lethal comes out and does a better Ric Flair than Flair has been doing lately.  Bring in Charlie Haas and have him and Lethal team up as the Imitators.  Assholes they may be at times, the fans redeem themselves by chanting “double vision” at the two Flairs.  Not to sound awful, but does it make it funnier because Lethal is black and both Flair and Savage are not?  The real Jay Lethal comes out and the world’s biggest mark is revealed.  But its passionate.  Lethal has nothing but love for those that came before him and it shows in the biggest moment of his professional career.  He’s honest with Flair, and when Flair says “in this ring I am God”, Lethal believes it.

This leads to a massive 10 man brawl which takes us through the first half hour of Impact.  The best part of it was RVD’s call back to Flair’s legacy when he calls the heels the Four Horse’s Asses.  Hogan comes out and destroys all the heels with the punch of doom.

Wouldn’t that be an awesome 7-11/Marvel comics crossover item?  This month’s all new Slurpie, the Punch of Doom!  Runs right through you though, then you have to head to the Latveriatory!

Douglas Williams still has possession of the X division title.  Kazarian does not appear.  Instead we get the debut of Ink, Inc.  Which isn’t a bad gimmick for two guys who weren’t doing anything else.  Then Samoa Joe comes out and destroys Williams and Kendrick.  Joe’s new gimmick is random ass kicker.  Which is a lot like his original gimmick.  Before all this Nation of Violence crap.  Can there be a Nation of One?  Sounds like a good Doctor Who episode premise.

When life gives you lemons, turn it into Ken Anderson-ade. ADE!!!!!  The Pope is injured, thus putting a pause to the amazing feud he was having with Mr Anderson.  However, Mr Anderson is highly paid and healthy.  Enter Jeff Hardy for a new rivalry.  Anderson is the greatest heel in TNA and the greatest showman in all wrestling.  Everything he does screams, look at me.  The “Talk into… The Mic” tights are the greatest since the legendary Rick Rude.  Anderson is THE future for TNA.  When he’s on TV people stop what they’re doing and watch him.  I’ve been in rooms before and seen it.  This creates new fans.  Even if they only come back for one person next week, they came back.

Tara starts her all too obvious exit from TNA.  The Knockout division breaks apart.  Speaking of breaking apart, who gave the OK to Lacey Von Erich doing a DDT?  Who gave Lacey permission to do any move to anybody’s neck?  Chris Candido aside, you’ve lucked out of nasty injuries and/or deaths TNA.  Try to keep it that way.  Lacey Leaves Necks Alone!

Eric Young turns heel. Again.  There is no reason behind anything in the Band’s stories.  A character turn only means something when that character has been built up over time.  They’re heels, but they’re avenging the attack on their friend.  An honorable thing.  Thus making them faces?  Who knows anymore.  Beer Money Inc and Motor City Machine Guns continue to wonder what the hell happened to their careers.

Orlando Jordan steals from Goldust.  Rob Terry steals from the Terminator.  TNA begins to become slash fiction.

A really pathetic Monster’s Ball match happens, and its full of problems.  1, Giving away a Monster’s Ball match on free TV. 2, A match between these two especially.  3, Chelsea wearing a full dress under the trench-coat, thus negating all reason to wear one. If you want to wear something that relates to the story of the match go take notes from Mr Anderson.  4, A thumb tack bump on free TV.  5, Not a true Monster’s Ball match!  The whole lock up the participants for 24 hours thing.

The TNA writers teach the fans to put Desmond Wolfe on the top of the championship poll by having RVD pin him in about 5 minutes.  Wolfe took Angle to the limit, and now what’s he doing?  Playing third (forgot about Beer Money) fifth wheel to Flair.  Nigel wouldn’t accept this!  Why is Desmond?

Hogan and Sting have a nonsensical discussion over Sting’s heel turn.  I guess Sting still has issues with Hogan that go back to WCW.  Instead of just attacking Hogan though he must attack all faces?  What happened to shades of gray in wrestling characters?  My bad, that’s what the Band is doing.  Then Jarrett attacks Sting with a bat and the show ends.

Know what would be original?  An authority figure who is impartial.  One who fines Sting and Samoa Joe equally for random attacks, with no concern over whether they attacked faces or heels.  But here I am, putting sense into wrestling when I should know better.

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