World War Hulks: Captain America vs. Wolverine 1.

Oh good its issue 1 of 2!

The story so far: The Avengers try to defeat a brain trust of Hulk villains who are trying to create an army of Hulks.  The ship blows up and all of the Avengers are not only falling to earth, but have also become Hulk versions of themselves.

Wolverine and Captain America (Bucky version) fight.  Wolverine’s healing factor is trying to combat the Hulk “infection” and we’re shown a previously untold story of Wolverine and Winter Soldier (Bucky).

It only took until page number 3 for me to think a 5 year old wrote this.  The drawing is more cartoon than usual Marvel style. But the dialogue is atrocious.  Wolverine-Hulk says, “the rage is like the girlfriend I never should have left.”  What the fuck does that even mean?

So in the flashbacks, some little lolita looking bitch is torturing Wolverine, and we get a cliffhanger that Winter Soldier may have been behind it.  See, Wolverine knew he recognized the scent of Bucky.  Because most people, even mutant people, while under extreme torture concentrate on smell.  Granted, the sense of smell has the longest memory retention out of all the body’s senses. But know what else lasts a while?  Pain.  I bet excruciating Hostel level pain has a way of overshadowing any other sense information coming into the body.

“America Smash!”  Thank you Bucky.  I see the Russians taught you how to fit in with American dialogue in 2010.  Now learn how to say, “America, Fuck Yeah!” and you’ll be up to date.

Wolverine has yet to learn how to turn the other cheek.  He destroys a tanker truck full of gasoline then lights Cap-Hulk on fire.  Not Wolverine-Hulk’s fault though.  Turns out Cap-Hulk looks like frequent Wolverine nemesis, Cyber.  As opposed to Cap-Wolf who just looks like a bad idea.

Emo-Wolverine tells us, just because I can heal doesn’t mean it don’t hurt.  I don’t know why I never picked up on the possibility that someone who pops blades out of their body for a living could be a cutter.  Also, Logan, just because it has red hair doesn’t mean you have to fuck it.

Oh good, a backup Hulked Out Heroes story!  This one starring Monica Rambeau (half of you just said, “who”?) and War Machine.  “Hulk Machine Smash!”  I haven’t heard this line since 1986 in the WWF.

There’s a lot in this back up story, including a splash page explosion with no characters on panel.  Why bother?  Next issue will be Thing-Hulk vs. Torch-Hulk.  But the star of this issue, the one panel that’s almost worth the price of the book is this:

“Captain Marvel situation complicated.”  Holy shit, this might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.  Depends on a knowledge of comics to get the joke, but what a joke!

Pass on the comic, except for this one page.

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