Chewing on Comics – Brigade 1 (2010).

I’m sorry, but its fucking awful.

Brigade #1 (2010 unasked for return)

I remember the first Brigade series.  I bought every single issue.  And I couldn’t tell you one thing from it.  Not one story, not even a character name.  Nothing.  That’s how memorable it was.  And its not my mind faltering, as I can still tell you everything that happened in the original Speedball series (so in this one he fights mobsters).

Brigade #1 came out in the early days of Image.

Original Brigade

Win This Cover!  Because no one else fucking wants it.

But who wouldn’t want such a “collectible” comic?

Oooohhhh! Conan too?!

Lesson here kids.  If its really that “collectible” there won’t be thousands of copies left over that can be packaged up like this.  Nor will there be two issues of the same series.

Back to the new Brigade though.

Seahawk II (was there a Seahawk I?) is in the ocean.  Or the sea if you will.  He encounters aliens.  Space aliens, not sea aliens.  Although he tells us that its sad we know more about space than we do our own oceans.  Thirty years of nature shows have told me the same thing.

“My parents were gifted genetic advancements to fight an alien invasion that never materialized.”  Thank you Seahawk.  Your parents were genetic advancements who were gifted, or they were given advancements?  Get back to me on that.  You’re busy trying to stop a bomb.  That’s not a bomb, its a portal!  The thing about portals is, if this alien can come in, couldn’t the water go out?  This entire alien world is now flooded by dirty human Earth water and bad writing.

“Would you look at the thing.”  No, Seahawk, I wouldn’t.  Because both of us forgot that comics are a VISUAL MEDIUM!  Of course I’m looking at it.  What the fuck else would I be looking at?  An envelope containing my wasted $3.99?  Its not fucking coming!

But like Peter David, I digress.

Note to the letterer, blue font on a light page with a completely blue character does not make for easy reading.  Or any reading really.

Now for the pencils.  The characters don’t look the same from page to page!  Kato at the, the random religious building with monks I guess, does not look like the same Kato who is on a mission.  Hair!  Costume!  And at least 500 pounds of comic book weight differentiate the two characters who are supposed to be the same person!

At least the story flows…. what the hell?  Stasis dies and then the scene changes to Coldsnap?  At least put a death on the last page.  No, the last page is reserved for the reveal of Battlestone.  Oh good.  Here I thought the main character on the cover wasn’t going to be in the book.  Actually, with as little sense as I’ve seen in this book that is possible.

Only good part of the book:  Lethal cuts off Coldsnap’s head and then sings “Frosty the Snowman”.  That was clever.  Great move by a hero too.  What heroes don’t like to gloat over killing an enemy and bathe in their blood?  Or their Snoopy Sno-Cone drippings as is the case here.

The fireheaded lady….  You know what?  Lets get back to that.  I need to evaluate that beginning.  “The fireheaded lady” is not something I should have to type.  There should be a name.  But there is not.  Blue girl in beginning, naked and nameless.  Fireheaded lady, naked and nameless.  Lethal is not naked or nameless, but she is one of the few women in all of comics with a mask that covers her entire face!  Can we get some refrigerators to stuff these women in?

And if these women were named, obviously it wasn’t done so in any sort of meaningful or relevant way.  Thus they may as well be nameless.

So, fire chick says “are you surprised I’ve learned the language of my tormentors since my imprisonment?”  Yes.  Yes I am.  Iran held 52 US citizens hostage for 444 days and I bet not a one of them thought, I should brush up on my Persian.  I’m more surprised you’re an alien with some sort of fire powers, strong skin, and flight, yet here you sit imprisoned.

Whoever our hero is, yeah I forgot, is it Kato?  Anyways, our hero says, “But this is a middle eastern complex!  What are you saying?”  Well maybe-Kato, what you’re saying to the reader is that if those pesky middle eastern people were behind this the flame girl would speak some sort of regional dialect.  Ignoring the fact that there are middle eastern men and women who speak fluent English.  Also ignoring that English is the official language of 53 countries and third most spoken language in the world.  Also, neither the US or UK is one of those 53 countries.  Despite all of these facts, obviously the US government is behind this flame girls’ capture.  Because she learned English.

This is just a Brigade of fail.  Skip at all costs.

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