Smarked for Death – WWE Monday Night Raw 12/13/10 Slammy Awards!

Yet another three hour Raw being held in the winter of the year.  Thankfully this is an entertaining show, and one of the few times during the year that WWE acknowledges their own history (even the recent kind).  And the nominees are…

Raw is live from The Arena in New Orleans.  Raw is hosted tonight by Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and CM Punk.  Tables ladders and chairs circle the ring, almost as if there’s a PPV coming up.  Former WCW World champion David Arquette comes out to present the first award.  He looks and sounds like shit, much like many former WCW World champions.  Arquette is also a fashion designer.  Team Hellions has a t-shirt, can “designer” be added to the sites credits?  David announces nominees for “Shocker of the Year”:  Miz cashes in, Nexus debuts, Paul Bearer turns heel, Randy Orton Punts Chris Jericho.  The Slammy goes to the Nexus.  Crowd boos Nexus almost as much as they booed Arquette.  Wade Barrett comes out alone, “He are one!”  Wade all but says Nexus wouldn’t have jobs without him.  Speaking of jobs, Wade has already brought up Cena’s current unemployment.  Barrett will make a decision tonight, grab a chair kids!  Its a three hour Raw!  The music plays (or should have) and Wade walks off stage to show off his award to the press.  But wait!  Another GM email!  Wade must now have a match against the world champion mystery opponent… The Big Show!  (Mark Henry would have been an acceptable answer as well.)  Show steals the Slammy, Punk says “I bet he thinks there’s some chocolate under that gold.”  And this is why CM Punk will have a job as long as he likes in WWE.

Wade Barrett vs. The Big Show

Wade repeatedly stalls the match in fear and respect of Show.  Barrett sticks Show in the eye and tries to dissect Show before he can recover his vision.  Last time a match moved this slow it was the classic story, Turtle B0y-Mania in an issue of Superman’s Friend Jimmy Olsen. The center of Nexus (wait, what?) decides he wants no part of Show and walks out on the match.  Show wins by count out but isn’t happy about it.

Kelly Kelly and Tyson Kidd present the “Despicable Me” award.  Tyson’s new bodyguard looms nearby.  Tyson introduces his new bodyguard, Jackson Andrews.  WWE will hopefully continue to come up with names by playing President mash up in 2011.  Kelly and Tyson have a verbal cat fight.  The nominees are”  Drew McIntyre, Kane, Mr. McMahon, CM Punk (oh please win!  Punk singing to Rey’s daughter was the creepiest moment in wrestling this year).  Punk waves away the Whammys and wins his third Slammy.  Owen Hart is now second place.  Punk also wins the awesome t-shirt award for his Day of the Dead Star Wars shirt.  Punk and Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper are racing towards a shirt battle.  Punk says someone in the back has wronged him, and he will have his revenge.  No hint as to who this fiend may be.  Punk can feud with anyone at this point and have classic matches.

Kofi Kingston and Daniel Bryan (US champion, with the Bella Twins) vs. Dolph Ziggler (Intercontinental champion, with Vickie Guerrero) and Ted DiBiase (with Maryse).

Nothing but potential future world champions in the ring here.  At least one of these men could win a Money in the Bank briefcase next year.  Some Slammys were given out earlier tonight?  For what?  Technical awards?  Make up?  Set design?  There are two couches for the VIP Lounge!  That is not a set!  Oh, there’s a match going on.  Ted and Daniel clash, Ted rolls out of the ring and Daniel goes for a hot tag?  Kofi and Dolph exchange and unless this match is under Lucha rules logic is out the window.  Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise on Ziggler for the pin and a match with great potential fails to deliver.

Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella will present the guest appearance of the year award.  As part of USA’s synergy can Santino and Vladimir guest star on Psych?  The nominees are:  Mike Tyson, Pee Wee Herman, Wayne Brady, William Shatner.  Pee Wee Herman wins, but Michael Cole explains that none of the guests could be here tonight.  Way to make the Slammy seem like a joke. Or a bigger joke, depending on your point of view.  Its a shame that Shatner’s version of the WWE theme songs didn’t win.

Nexus confronts Wade and asks what he has decided to do tonight.  David Otunga mocks Barrett’s surprising singles career with an 0-1 record via count out.  Nexus has really lost some of their fear and power lately.

Mark Henry vs. Dashing Cody Rhodes.

Mark spends the start of the match playing with Cody’s face.  Not looking like the beginning of a good match.  Cody hits the Beautiful Disaster kick and a second rope knee to the back.. for the pin?!  Neither move looked strong enough to take out Mark Henry.  But some weeks, anything can take out Mark.  Terrible matches so far.

The Slammys have a voice over announcer to take us to and lead us out of commercial breaks.  “Up next, Miz, Kane and Lady Gaga!”  The Slammys have been a joke, and the wrestling tonight has been a joke.  Jerry Lawler and Vickie Guerrero present the Holy Shit award.  Or Holy Poo in the PG WWE world.  Jerry breaks out a 100 year old fat jokes book.  The nominees are:  John Morrison’s super high cross body, Kofi’s boom drop off the ladder, Cena hits Attitude Adjustment on Batista through the stage, Orton catches Air Bourne with an RKO.  That last move should win, as its the most iconic one of the year.  But no, Cena wins.  Because Cena is fired he cannot accept the award.  Check the front row, that’s where he showed up last week.  Wade comes out and steals  the award.  He also steals any momentum this show had and an already slow Raw grinds to a stop.  Wade refuses to make a decision until Cena shows up.  If he didn’t show up to collect his Slammy why would he show up for Wade?  Oh, there’s Cena hiding in the crowd like a purple Waldo.  Cena has to walk around the TLC items at ringside, which is also blocking the announcers and all fans sitting behind them from a clear view of the ring.  Nexus comes out to hear Wade’s choice.  He’s keeping the baby.  Nexus surrounds the ring, which is a nice bookend to their year.  Barrett officially re-hires Cena, but to no surprise there are conditions.  A chair match will take place  at  TLC.  Also, Wade screws over David Otunga and makes a match with Cena.  Nexus bum rushes Cena and months later there is still no one to help Cena.  Arquette should have warned the WWE locker room of what the nWo did during his time in WCW.  Wade cracks Cena with a chair and Otunga might actually have a chance tonight.  Looks like TMZ has tomorrow’s headline.

David Arquette, now dressed like a lung cancer patient in an Elvis costume, is back to present another award.  The award is for “Reaction of the Year” and WWE flies out the angry Miz girl to the show to accept her award.  There’s a lot that can be said about WWE but this is one of the nicest craziest and awesomest things they’ve ever done.  Speaking of awesome, Miz comes out to join the ranks of heels like Rowdy Roddy Piper and the Million Dollar Man.  Only the greatest heels in history can pull off tearing the heart out of a child.  Miz says there’s still 3 weeks left to create the moment of the year.  Agreed.  Some places do end of the year lists in November.   Sucks for all those who bust their asses in December.  Yet another GM email, both the Miz and Randy Orton are scheduled for tune up matches tonight.

The Miz (WWE World champion, with Alex Riley and David Arquette) vs. Rey Mysterio.

Alberto Del Rio comes down and the tide does not turn in Rey’s favor.  Miz’s title run would be much more enjoyable if it wasn’t for Michael Cole.  It would also help if he could get a clean and dominating win.  As if on cue, Del Rio trips up Rey and Miz rolls him up for the pin.  Way to book the future of WWE.  The GM sends another email and Randy Orton will also face a former World champion tonight — David Arquette!  In a night of joke matches at least one of them might have something memorable.

The “Oh Snap Meltdown of the Year” award will be presented by Edge.  Good of near no one to show up for the Slammys in a suit of any kind.  Or even pants.  Edge is without a co-presenter and brings out a special guest… Christian!  Maybe only the second time they’ve been on camera together since Christian’s return to WWE.  One more tag title in 2011?  The nominees are:  Big Show destroyes Jack Swagger’s trophies, Alberto Del Rio attacks Rey’s arm, Edge destroys the GM laptop, Batista quits WWE.  Christian announces Edge as the winner.  Edge is great.  Even though he’s now technically a face, he is playing the same person as when he was a heel.  Christian plays his new GM email ringtone.  These two are still gold together.  Edge reminds us all that “Michael Cole is a tool”.  No arguments from anyone.

Sheamus vs. John Morrison.

If Sheamus is going to dress like he’s from Middle Earth the title should be renamed Lord of the Ring, not King.  Match never gets started, as this unexpected feud has leveled up.  Match is called off when the two gladiators wont stop beating on each other.  Yet another GM email, and an awesome ladder match for the #1 Contender spot at TLC PPV.  Match of the year potential.  Any MOTY list already printed should be placed on hold, pending this match.  In a spot that takes far too long to set up, Sheamus hits Morrison with a ladder.  Its all worth it though for the innovative spot when Sheamus throws Morrison over the top rope and John lands on the propped up ladder.  For a match with minimal buildup it has now become must see on the pay per view.

The “Knucklehead Moment of the Year” award will be presented by JTG and William Regal.  If there was a sitcom branch of WWE, this is the hot new show.  The nominees are:  CM Punk unmasked, Mae Young pinning LayCool, Beth Phoenix eliminating Great Khali from Royal Rumble, Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov dance off.  LayCool wins for getting their asses handed to them.  But enough about the hotel.  Lets be honest, if you’re an adult and still watch wrestling, these are the women you hated in school.

Diva of the Year will be won by a Divas Battle Royal.  All the Divas come out at once, because women aren’t worth individual ring entrances in WWE.  The Divas surround LayCool and the bitches are about to be gone.  But Tamina makes the save and eliminates Kaitlyn and Rosa Mendes with no effort.  The Bellas toss Tamina out.  Someone is out but not acknowledged, maybe Eve?  Both Bellas are out.  Beth easily eliminates Maryse.  LayCool finally removes a flexible Kelly Kelly from the ring.  Beth uses the Glam Slam to eliminate Melina.  Layla is disrespectfully booted from the ring.  Layla distracts Beth and McCool elimates her.  Natalya eliminates Alicia and Gail then Michelle sneaks up to remove Natalya and Michelle McCool wins.  Another GM Email and a Divas tag team match is made for TLC, LayCool vs. Natalya and Beth Phoenix in a tables match!  This PPV is looking better and better.

Edge vs. Jack Swagger.

Both men are involved in the TLC PPV, and both men are on Smackdown.  Not expecting much out of the match, which isn’t meant to be insulting to either wrestler.  However, the theme of the night does not lend itself to great matches.  Edge puts his legs up to block a splash, but Swagger catches it and attempts an ankle lock.  Once these two get going its a match full of fantastic potential.  Edge hits an Impaler DDT followed by a Spear for the pin.  These two deserve a longer match, as even though the moment was brief, they clicked well.

Alex Riley doesn’t want to team with Officer Dewey because everyone died in the movie.  If you’re going to make a David Arquette movie joke, that’s pretty much the only way to go with it.

Big Show comes out to present the Moment of the Year award.  The nominees are:  John Cena “Free or Fired”, Sheamus attacking Triple H, Edge spears Chris Jericho through the ring wall, Streak vs. Career.  The winner is Shawn Michaels final match.  HBK has prerecorded comments to accept his award.  The older he gets, the less cool and more hick redneck Shawn Michaels becomes.

Alex Riley and David Arquette (with The Miz) vs. Randy Orton.

Alex Riley is doing surprisingly well here.  When not treated like a joke, A-Ri is an incredible talent.  There’s no reason he should look this good in a match with Orton.  Also no reason Riley should be the one to take the RKO and be pinned.  David Arquette is right there!  Miz attacks Orton after the match.  D-Ar helps Miz set up a table and attempt a double suplex on Orton.  Orton fights out and fights Miz, but Arquette saves the champ.  Orton drives the last nail into the WCW coffin when he drives (via powerbomb) David Arquette through a table.  EMTs attend to Arquette but his career cannot be resuscitated.

Michael Cole presents the “And I Quote Line of the Year”.  Great collection of one liners from the year.  When WWE is on its the funniest show on TV.  Poor NXT Rookies, oh this is painful.  No  official nominees, so I guess everyone is up for the award.  Cole announces himself as the winner and pulls out a prepared speech.  The Raw theme is played to cut off Cole’s speech.  What a horrible character.

Final Slammy of the night is for the Superstar of the Year award and will be presented by Teddy Long.  The nominees are: Edge, The Miz, Kane, John Cena, Rey Mysterio and Randy Orton.  As its mostly the young who use WWE.com predict Cena to win.  Oh look, there he is.  Can Cena pick up his earlier award now?  Only in the span of 3 hours WWE time can a man go from unemployed to award winner and have a main event match.  Cena says that there is magic in Bourbon Street.  It must be tough to score good tail nationwide when the majority of your fans are underage.  Maybe Lawler still has a good lawyer for Cena’s future legal woes.  What a magical moment when John Cena comes down for his first match in … a month.  Would be more impactful return if Cena was “fired” for a longer amount of time.  Barrett has taken a gen-ed public speaking class recently and starts off his speech saying he will make these three points in his speech.

John Cena vs. David Otunga.

Nexus stands on the ramp to watch the match.  Or not.  Much like last week, Barrett orders Nexus to walk out on Otunga.  Otunga’s rebellion leaves him on his own and not even his celebrity status can save him now.  Otunga’s running tackle could be built up into a finishing move.  Cena gets Otunga to tap out to the STF in a very quick match.  Cena attacks David with a chair and Otunga must be regretting having such a wide back that catches every inch of the chair’s impact.  Otunga begs Wade for help but Barrett only watches the ass kicking.

Not a great night for wrestling, but a great night of hype.  The TLC PPV has the potential to be the year’s best.

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