Smarked for Death – WWE Royal Rumble 2011.

Live from Boston comes the biggest Royal Rumble of all time!  40 Superstars and only 3 announced matches.  The show starts out huge with the World title match.

Edge (World champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero)

For some reason Dolph’s tights are on inside out.  The DZ logo looks like a zig zag emoti-penis.  8==D Hello!  Z=D  Dolph has upped his game so much lately.  The only reason no one is expecting a title change here is because WrestleMania needs to start being set up, and Dolph isn’t main eventing the show as champion.  Dolph and Edge exchange more two counts in this match than most PPVs have all night.  Boston comes alive with one of the hottest crowds in years.  The fans, including Red Hat Sign Guy in the front row, elevate this match to an iconic status.  Dolph channels the late Billy Gunn not only with the bleached blonde hair and short tights, but also the legdrop Fameasser signature move.  What’s that?  Billy Gunn isn’t dead?  My apologies.  What about Cute Kip?  No?  Moving on… Edge pushes aside the balls.  No!  This is WWE TV PG.  I mean he pushes aside the mothballs and pulls out his old finisher, the Edgecution!  The edited for TV Rated R Superstar should win the match right now but Vickie Guerrero pulls the referee’s leg and breaks up the count.  Rope is brought out, and everyone’s hands get tied.  The referee cant do anything, because Vickie is the acting general manager of Smackdown, and thus his boss.   Edge cant do anything because Vickie’s the type of bitch who would strip him of the world title if he struck her back.  Vickie slaps Edge’s face like moles are coming out of it, and it looks like the HBIC (Head Bitch in Charge) is going to get away with her manipulations until for no sensible reason Kelly Kelly and half her ass crack comes out to make the save.

Is Kelly headed to Raw now?  May as well, poor girl has done nothing substantial with her WWE career.  No titles, no memorable matches.  But wasn’t she just in a story with Drew McIntyre?  What’s with this random jump into a feud with Vickie?  Back to the match. Edge escapes a near finishing sleeper hold and also knocks the referee down.  With Vickie and the referee down, Edge hits the banned spear move on Dolph.  If no one sees it, it didn’t happen.  Edge’s match psychology is much like his opinions on fidelity.  The referee comes to, and with no idea what happened while he was out, the match continues.  Edge gives a shout out to his “brother” Christian and hits the Unprettier/Killswitch on Dolph for the pin.  Fantastic match, and Dolph is my lead pick for winning one of the Money in the Bank briefcases this year.

WrestleMania is only 63 days away!  Save your money!  Buy a bigger TV!

The Miz (WWE Champion, with Alex Riley) vs. Randy Orton

The Miz continues to be booked as a chicken shit heel who should be beaten at any time, yet keeps sneaking away with the victory.  Orton plays cat and mouse with Miz.  More like older cat that’s happy for the exercise and hapless mouse who accidently wanders in front of said cat.  Orton hits the Garvin stomp and his usual hesitation and delay moves.  Match never quite clicked, because its tough to have Orton look strong, the champion look weak, and have a competitive match.  Nexus comes out, distracting everyone, while Punk sneaks out through the crowd and hits a Go To Sleep on Orton.  Miz rolls over for the pin and this disappointing match is over.  As happy as I am with Miz as champion, he needs to start being booked better in order to keep any respect from the fans.

Natalya (WWE Divas champion) vs. LayCool

The match is immediately changed to a 4 way with Eve Torres thrown in as well.  This is a shock to everyone except those who bought the T-shirt with the 4 woman match printed on the back.  (And if anyone can find a picture of this shirt, send it to me.)  Nattie locks on a double sharpshooter and everyone who rarely watches women’s wrestling marks out for the move.  Its a stunning and original move for Natalya, who did it at the TLC PPV.  But wrestling is not about continuity.  Eve gets the pin on Layla while Michelle pins Natalya and your only Divas feud for all the WWE shows begins.  Now LayCool has a reason to randomly show up on Raw to challenge Eve for the belt.  Gail Kim counts her money while feuding with the Bella Escorts.

The Royal Rumble starts and CM Punk is your number one entrant.  The entire collective of Nexus and Corre members come out to a huge brawl.  Everyone expects this to become the first ten entrants and the Rumble will technically start with #11.  But no, the Raw GM Email actually saves the day for once.  All men are sent to the back and the Rumble starts officially with Daniel Bryan as #2.  Matt Striker calls it correctly when he says that the internet is loving this.  Yes!  This match should be on Mania.  The action moves so fast that there’s no other way to call this  but to hit the highlights.

John Morrison becomes the new human highlight reel with his remarkable save from being eliminated from the match.  Morrison sticks like Spidey to the retaining wall and tightrope walks his way back into the match.  Amazing move that no one else could pull off.  Nexus looks so dominant together and made the Rumble something extraordinary.  Husky looks to be the surprise breakout star of the next year.  Going back to the added excitement that a hot crowd can bring to a show, the fans made the returns of Booker T and Diesel that much more incredible.  Also, how crazy is it that Kevin Nash returned as Diesel?!  It was like being a kid again.  Unfortunately, neither man lasted long in the Rumble, but long enough to make an impression on the fans.  Many of which will no doubt turn into Raw just to see what they do next.  Your big post Rumble stars though are Mason Ryan and Ezekiel Jackson.  Not Batista Ryan makes it for single handed eliminating the Great Khali.  Granted, Khali is a no talent and a joke, but he did win the World title in a battle royal match.  And big Zeke alone eliminated the Big Show.  Show didn’t even get anything of interest going in the Rumble, which is shocking for a man his size and experience.  Diesel and Big Show had a bit of a stare down, which could be a potentially fun WrestleMania match.

Cena and Hornswoggle gave a little bit of fun to the kids.  Not bad, and a nice breather in this stacked battle.  King Sheamus and Drew McIntyre’s random team up is hopefully a sign of things to come.  The “Celtic Connection” as they were instantly dubbed could raise the WWE tag team titles into main event belts.  Its that perfect sort of thrown together tag team that clicks so well everyone wonders why they didn’t think of it earlier.  John Cena is eliminated by the Miz and an all too obvious set up for WrestleMania takes place.  Expect Cena to win some sort of tournament soon in order to face the Miz.  For all the hype, the big red machine has a lackluster Rumble performance this year.

We’re down to Orton, Barrett, and Del Rio.  Wade Barrett was my pick for weeks, and all expectations for him to go over at Mania are about to be realized, but then that sneaky son of kings maneuvers himself into safety and the other two men are out.  Alberto Del Rio wins the Rumble, and the fans are stunned that this new comer to WWE begins the biggest push a rookie has received in years.  But wait!  The cobra lies in wait!  Santino, who was knocked under the bottom rope earlier, returns to the ring.  There was no way Santino would main event WrestleMania, but it would not have shocked me to see him win the Rumble and lose that opportunity in a later match.  But no, Del Rio shows his skills yet again and is now finally the true winner of the biggest Rumble of all time.

What a great set up for the next few months.  The WWE brought back old stars, made their current ones look good, and began to seriously build up new ones, all in 3 hours.  One of the greatest Royal Rumbles of all time, for sure.  Hopefully this means one of the greatest WrestleManias of all time very soon.

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