Smarked for Death – TNA Impact 2/17/11.

The show after the Against All Odds PPV and Jeff Hardy is once again TNA champion.

Immortal, a much smaller group now, comes out and makes matches.  Ric Flair tests the limits of TNA’s sexual harassment policy.  Then we see Jeff and Karen Jarrett “live via satellite”.  TNA would probably be further ahead if they took Impact on the road instead of Keeping Up with the Jarretts.

Matt Hardy and AJ Styles have a brief brawl in the back.  Hardy doesn’t look all that puffy this week, but he exudes puffiness.  His finisher should be called Whisper in the Winded.

Hernandez meets up with Sarita and Rosita backstage.  Because every Hispanic knows each other.

Douglas Williams comes out for a match but Hernandez attacks him on the way out.  Sarita and Rosita cheer him on.  Welcome to TNA Rosita, were you a cheerleader in high school?  Can you speak Spanish?  How would you like to be paid for this?  The match officially starts.  Sarita looks better than usual this week, possibly because she’s about to have Velvet Sky attack her.  Brief fight and the girls’ usual partners come out for the save and all four women brawl.  Hernandez is disgustingly dominant over Williams.  I know many people want to see Samoa Joe jump to WWE, but for the brand that is looking to build massive Latino stars, Hernandez could make a fortune in WWE.  Border Toss for the win.

Bischoff is on the phone with someone and tries to protect Jeff Hardy from wrestling tonight.  Yes, there is money to be made in heel champions, because the fans want to see them get their asses kicked, but does he have to be booked like a bitch?

The Pope D’Angelo Dinero comes out and the future star from last year has fallen down to the land of apathy.  Pope puts himself over everyone up to and including Jesus.  Kato, yes they are calling him fucking Kato now, and Samoa Joe kick Pope’s ass.  Just an absolute waste of their talents.

Robbie E and Cookie talk too much.  Robbie says he was planning on wrestling two men, much like Cookie.  Or Snooki.  Let that be the last time that name is written on here.  Kazarian gets a good luck kiss from… Traci Brooks!  Tenay calls her the original TNA Knockout, and now retired.  While I’m hoping this is a tease and Traci is back, wrestling needs more cameos.  There are always retired or past stars hanging out backstage at shows.  Why not throw them a couple bucks to appear on camera for a moment.  They get paid and the fans get a nice Easter egg.  Kazarian calls out the Shore’s crap and to prove his manhood Robbie agrees to send Cookie to the back.

Kazarian (X Division champion) vs. Robbie E

Match never really gets going before Cookie comes back out to interfere.  Cookie smacks Kazarian around until the OK (Original Knockout) comes out to kick some crumbs.

Ric Flair reunites with Fortune and brings them the gift of Zima.  Flair and Beer Money have a fruity Smirnoff drinking contest.

Matt Hardy vs. AJ Styles

AJ hits a top rope dive in the first minute.  The next second Matt knocks AJ onto the guard rail.  Ric Flair comes running down in the next minute.  Am I watching this match on fast forward?!  Matt trips on AJ, or so we are to believe.  Could just be a clumsy puff.  AJ goes to the top rope and Flair pushes him off.  Matt hits the Twist of Hate (fucking really?) for the pin.  Hardy and Flair gang up on AJ until Fortune makes the save.  That was 4 weeks of story and at least an hour of matches crammed into not even ten minutes of TV.

Mr Anderson says he’s coming to kick somebody’s ass.  I’m sorry, this is Impact, if you’re not here to talk we have nothing for you.

Family Jarretts reality show continues.

Mr Anderson comes out to talk.  Hey, I called that!  Anderson wants the rematch and wants RVD pulled out.  Fans chant “triple threat” and the TNA writers wonder why they didn’t think of that.  Bischoff says the network is calling the shots and Anderson tries to be anti-authority.  Eric says that because Anderson is too vulgar and crude the network doesn’t want him.  Stone Cold Kenny starts screaming out “asshole”.  His asshole itself isn’t screaming, but the word is.  How many times has Spike been “the network”?  Ever since TNN days.  Anderson gets into the main event as the referee.  Mr mister then hits a stunner, I mean a mic check on Eric.

Velvet Sky and Winter have that sort of girl argument where you think they’re going to kiss at any moment.  Winter just watched the Dead Zone last week and grabs some scissors.  Angelina comes in before any bitches get cut.

The Beautiful People vs. Sarita and Rosita

Pigeons are let loose and the match is underway.  It was only an hour ago that Douglas Williams and Hernandez were involved with these four.  Why aren’t they at the ring now?  Rosita’s random addition just seems so… well, random.  She comes from a long line of random additions to already established gimmicks.  Fair Knockout match, ending with Rosita tripping Velvet and Sarita getting the assisted pin.  Velvet issues yet another challenge to Sarita.  Sarita only accepts if Velvet’s career is on the line.  I’d give Roxxi a call if I were you Velvet.  See how that one worked out.

More of The Real Housewives of the Impact Zone continues.  Kurt is on his way to break up the party.  This whole thing with the Jarretts has been happening down the road?  That seems unintelligent.

People talk, people talk, people talk.  Kurt threatens the Jarretts.  People talk.

Jeff Hardy (TNA World champion) vs. Rob Van Dam with Mr Anderson as the special referee.

Something feels very wrong all throughout this match.  I cant focus on it for more than a minute.  Hardy hits a low blow, then a  Twist of Hate (him too?) and gets the pin.  Anderson hits a Mic check on Hardy after the match.  Then, because he’s an asshole rattlesnake, he hits a Mic check on RVD too.

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