Smarked for Death – WWE Elimination Chamber 2011.

We are live in Oakland for the WWE’s most violent and now bloodless PPV of the year!

Alberto Del Rio tells us how great he is until Kofi Kingston comes out.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston (WWE Intercontinental champion)

Tonight’s announce team is Cole, Matthews and Booker T.  Cole calls Booker a 5 time champion.  Yes, that’s the catch phrase but you’re forgetting the 6th one that King Booker held.  Kofi comes at Del Rio with anger and ADR has to head outside the ring to catch his breath.  Alberto plays chicken shit, waiting for the opportunity to gain the upper hand.  The moment arrives when Del Rio runs his shoulder into Kingston and sends Kofi into the ring post.  Kofi hits hard and Doctor Del Rio begins dissecting his adversary.  Kofi gets tired of having his arm worked over and starts his comeback.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen Al on the losing end for so long in a match.  He takes a beating and sells well.  Kofi is so loved by the WWE Universe that he can take losses and still look like a champion.  Del Rio needs to be made and Kingston is raising Alberto’s game.  Kofi comes off the top for a cross body and Del Rio catches it with his knees.  Everyone thinks the match is over except for Kofi.  Kofi keeps fighting back, nearly gets pinned again, but refuses to give up.  Kofi goes for the pin and if you didn’t know why Rodriguez had a job before you do now.  ADR’s personal ring announcer distracts the referee and Kofi for long enough to break up the pin attempt.  Alberto catches Kofi in the corner and once he gets hold of Kingston’s arm the fall is near.  Kofi tries to fight away from the arm breaker, but it is the most devastating move in WWE today.  Kofi taps out and Del Rio looks strong on the eve of his WrestleMania main event.

Much talking and hype while the Chamber is set up.  Which means we have to go through this twice.  It really is an amazing structure though.  This would only be better if we could still get some blood in WWE.

Smackdown Elimination Chamber match.  Kane vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Wade Barrett vs. ??? (Teddy Long comes out and announces a replacement for Dolph Ziggler)  The Big Show! vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Edge (World Heavyweight champion)

Edge and Rey, as the last two men introduced, will be the two men who start off this match.  Rey and Edge start off fast and aggressive.  Both men are already hitting the steel in this opening part of the match.  Neither man gets close to a pinfall before the next person is released.  The next Superstar is… Wade Barrett.  Edge slides Rey along the ring mat and onto the steel floor into the chain link.  There is no way that could have felt good for 90% of Rey’s body.  The other 10% didn’t feel good about it, but merely avoided any contact with the metal.  The announcers tell us that The Corre cant interfere tonight.  Without the use of the world’s biggest wire cutters they’re probably right.  Spider-Man Rey tries to climb the chains but Wade catches him for a powerbomb attempt, which Rey reverses into a hurracanrana.  Rey goes to drop the dime and is dropped by Edge’s foot instead.  No one is eliminated yet and now… Kane is released.  Booker says “Kane is on fire” and doesn’t realize the pun.  The match gets so good that Drew and Show forget to look intimidating and begin watching the match as fans.  Everyone tries to look mean while locked in a chamber pod.  Just once I’d like to see someone bring a book with them.  It can even be a heavy book, to be used as a weapon later on.  As long as an arrogant attitude is shown.  Kane and Wade smack each other around for a bit and I never realized how tall Barrett is until seeing him next to Kane.  The man is huge, good on the mic, and keeps improving his ring work.  Definitely a future world champion.  Drew McIntyre is finally released and attacks Rey, throwing him into the chamber glass.  Drew and Wade form a united kingdom against Kane, dropping the big red machine.  Drew turns right away on Wade and throws Wade through the glass!  Who’s at the door?  Oh, Drew, it looks like you’ve arrived.  Drew’s assault is only stopped when Edge hits him with a DDT but everyone is too exhausted to take advantage of the situation.  Edge, Rey and Kane become hell bent on destroying each other.  The other two men get involved.  Rey gets thrown against the glass again.  And still no one is eliminated.  What better time for the Big Show to finally get into this match.  The other 5 men are decimated and easy pickings for the unstoppable giant.  Show smacks everyone around and stalks Wade.  Show shatters the chamber glass with Wade’s body.  Show distributes chops like a pork salesman.  One punch later and Wade is eliminated from the match.  Show celebrates and is distracted, thus not noticing Kane coming off the top rope.  Or Edge.  Or Drew hitting a Future Shock DDT.  Or finally Rey jumping from the top of a chamber pod onto Show.  And still the juggernaut kicks out.  Finishing move-o-rama continues on the Big Show.  Kane decides that the only man to eliminate a big dog should be another big dog.  Kane choke slams Show and gets the pin.  Moments later Drew suffers a similar fate.  Kane and Rey try to take each other out to no avail.  Kane stops another ‘rana attempt and holds Rey in the air, thus not seeing Edge running at full speed.  Double spear!  Edge pins Kane and Kane returns the favor with boots and choke slams on his way out.  Its down to Edge and Rey Mysterio, the two men who have been in the match the longest.  Edge and Rey remind us that the marquee says wrestling.  The match turns into Return of the King.  Just when you think its over, it continues.  And I mean that in a good way.  Edge catches Rey’s 619 attempt at the very last second.  So last second the fans thought the move connected.  Rey avoids one spear attempt but gets caught on the way back for the … no!  Rey actually kicked out again.  Rey finally hits 619 and the splash and… its still not enough!  Rey leaps off the top rope and Edge catches him with a spear!  Edge finally gets the pin.

Wow.  Totally worth the money for that match alone.  And there’s still just shy of two hours left in the match.  Cole tells us that Edge is the first man in 5 years to retain his title in the Chamber.  Insane match that deserves early match of the year attention.

Who’s attacking Edge?!  Del Rio comes out of nowhere to assault Edge!  The arm bar is locked on and the champion could be damaged to the point of no return.  GO!  Christian returns to a thunderous ovation.  Christian comes to the rescue of his best friend and gains retribution against their shared nemesis.  Christian hits the Killswitch and drops Del Rio for the benefit of his brother by choice.  Edge walks away triumphant, but to Christian’s music.

Matt Striker interviews Jerry the King Lawler about tonight’s match.

Booker T is introduced and comes into the ring.  Booker introduces the next trainer for the returning Tough Enough.  Along with himself and Stone Cold we will see… Trish Stratus!  Trish is a perfect trainer for the show.  Not just physically but as an inspiration.  She was brought into WWE as a pretty face and busted her ass to become one of the greatest women wrestlers of all time.  So far Tough Enough has the potential to be a great show and the trainers are men and now women who will teach the contestants respect, even if they have to beat  it in.  Booker keeps getting a dirty look on his face anytime the Rock is mentioned.  Rock vs. Booker coming up this year?

Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (WWE Tag Team Champions, with Tamina) vs. Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel (The Corre, with Ezekiel Jackson)

Was this match announced previously?  If so, it had no build.  Cole wants to know how Booker will call the match while Zeke’s big back is in front of him.  Um, he’ll probably watch it on the monitor Cole.  Same as the rest of you.  The announcers compare Booker’s wife Sharmell to Ezekiel.  This sounds like a compliment to neither.  Vlad’s big head is used as a battering ram.  But not really.  Gabriel ran into Kozlov’s head.  That’s more an immovable object and not an unstoppable force.  Also a stationary object isn’t really doing any ramming.  Slater hits a pretty corkscrew splash into the ring.  Santino hits some nice moves as just a little reminder that underneath the comedy is a good wrestler.  Vlad picks up Justin for a power slam and misses Heath hitting the blind tag.  Kozlov gets overwhelmed in his confusion and Gabriel hitting the 450 splash does nothing to help that confusion.  The Corre picks up the pin while Tamina and Ezekiel get paid for doing nothing tonight.  How does an enforcer as big as Zeke do nothing in a title match while standing outside the entire time.

The Miz cuts a promo and Michael Cole needs to change his pants.  While Cole is verbally fellating the Miz Vickie Guerrero comes out.  Let me never write a sentence like that again in my life.  Vickie apologizes for Dolph’s actions – like attacking Teddy Long – and Vickie begs the fans to convince Teddy to bring back Dolph.  Teddy comes out and Vickie kisses some ass.  Teddy says he did hire someone back.  Kelly Kelly makes her return after a horrifying two week absence!  Gasp!  Kelly beats Vickie’s head for a few until LayCool assaults Kelly.  How the hell did Michelle run down to the ring in an air cast?  Kelly is down until Trish Stratus comes out for the save!  Trish hits moves better than the current Divas, and does it all while wearing heels.  Well, she botched one move but the quality of everything else she did was so high it overshadows one mistake.

Very well done video package for the next match.

The Miz (WWE Champion, with Alex Riley) vs. Jerry the King Lawler

The fans chant “this is awesome” in the first minute of the match.  Look guys, you actually did get an awesome match already tonight.  Maybe even one more.  Give this match a chance.  For what this match is, its being booked great.  Miz isn’t taking Lawler seriously, Lawler is doing all he can and running on experience and passion.  Not a doubt that Miz, the person not the wrestler, respects the shit out of Lawler.  Lawler hits a super-plex that I cant decide if it was sloppy or devastating.  At least a little bit of both as it only gets a 2 count.  I don’t know why people are shocked at how well Lawler is doing.  He has years of experience tangling with those half his age (or less).  Alex Riley is thrown out of ringside, as seems to be his gimmick.  Miz catches a boot from the King and hits his own kick which showed a height, range and flexibility I was unaware that Miz had.  Cole screams at Lawler and throws a temper tantrum when his boy ends up on the receiving end of an ass kicking.  Lawler issues a rebuttal by throwing Miz on top of Cole.  Lawler releases his greatest hits (courtesy of Rhino records) with a DDT and a big fist.  But its still not enough to out do the top 40 moves of Miz.  Miz catches Lawler with the skull crushing finale for the pin.  Lawler has nothing to be ashamed of.  Well, perhaps his co worker Michael Cole who shares in Miz’s victory.  I should share in Miz’s victory as well.  Cole and I did the same amount of work to ensure his victory.  The fans chant for Jerry as he stands in the ring, he lost the match but he stands like a champion.

John Cena eats a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.  CM Punk cuts a promo.  The Chamber is being set up, and I assume the glass finally gets replaced.

Raw Elimination Chamber match.  Randy Orton vs. R-Truth vs. CM Punk vs. John Cena vs. King Sheamus vs. John Morrison

Truth doesn’t rap his way to the ring.  Must mean he’s serious… no, no there he goes and dances.  Are the fans singing Punk’s theme song?  Sheamus and Morrison start out the match.  The announcers ask what Morrison will do tonight with the Chamber as a prop.  He better have something planned or that’s a lot of hype for nothing.  Good wrestling, but obviously its just getting started.  Randy Orton is the next Superstar to be released.  Orton and Punk stare at each other while Punk is still protected.  Orton breaks the glass with Morrison’s body.  Orton hits Sheamus with his signature hesitation DDT on the steel floor.  Punk and Orton never forget that even though they’re not currently battling they are feuding.  Orton hits a super-plex on Morrison from Punk’s corner of the Chamber.  Orton echos the move  on Sheamus.  Miz and Riley watch the match from the back while also wearing matching shirts.  Very cute.  The countdown for another Superstar begins and Orton hopes its Punk, waiting in anticipation.  Punk’s pod wont open properly and Punk gets stuck in the pod.  The Viper catches the trapped Punk and assaults him, ending it with an RKO for the pin.  Punk may just have the fastest time in Chamber history.  The GM sends an email, which seems out of place in the middle of a match, and the GM puts Punk back into the match.  “Mr Punk” is back in the match.  Punk gets back into the pod though.  Alright, putting him back into the match is fine.  But he was released.  His pod was the random draw.  There’s no reason he should go back into the pod as if never picked.  Morrison keeps clutching his ankle.  That will ruin any hopes for a spectacular move out of him.  John Cena is the next man in the match.  Sheamus jumps onto Cena before Cena can get out of his pod.  Not even a minute into the match and Cena is already beaten down.  Cena gets in a little offense against Morrison before Sheamus takes both men out.  Orton and Sheamus exchange for awhile, with neither man getting an advantage.  R-Truth is out next and Sheamus tries to sneak attack him as well but Truth sees it coming.  Truth bounces Sheamus’s skull off the glass.  Truth gets a move in on everyone else and then Sheamus hits the Brogue kick on Truth for the pin.  Well that was lackluster.  Why even put Truth in the match?  Morrison spends a lot of time setting up Sheamus for some kicks.  He never sees Orton stalking him.  Randy thrown Morrison into another pane of pod glass.  Orton is the only man standing in the match when Punk gets released.  Cena tries to attack Randy but Orton catches Cena with an RKO.  Punk picks his spot and runs in to surprise Orton.  Punk only gets a two count for his troubles.  Punk mocks Orton and pounds the mat like the Viper setting up an RKO.  The mocking works as Punk hits a GTS for the pin.  Wow.  Today’s greatest heel gives everyone yet another reason to hate him.  Sheamus knocks Punk onto the steel floor and Punk hits harder than anyone else, scarring up his back on the metal grid.  Morrison climbs to the top of a pod but Sheamus follows him.  Sheamus teases a high cross off the top rope but John fights it off.  Morrison scales the dome of the cage, which is spectacular, and Sheamus cant find him.  Coming from above, Morrison drops onto Sheamus and scores the pin.  Cena tries for an Attitude Adjustment on Punk but Morrison dives from the corner and takes out both men.  Booker puts over the danger of the steel structure by pointing out how gingerly the referees lay and count on the structure.  Morrison attempts to drive a knee into Cena and instead drives it into the “world’s strongest glass”.  Morrison screams and clutches his knee, his title opportunity slipping through those same hands.  Punk tries to get Cena to tap out but Cena powers out of it.  Morrison refuses to be the one legged man in an ass kicking contest who gives up.  Morrison comes off the ropes and knocks down both men.  Cena hits AA on the other John and Morrison catches his already injured knees on the ring ropes.  Punk spring boards off the ropes and knocks Cena down to the metal floor.  Punk rips open his legs on the landing.  Punk tries to take out Morrison but Morrison propels himself onto the pod, off the cage and feet first into Punk.  Morrison misses the Starship Pain and Punk hits a GTS to eliminate the second to last man.  Punk then takes an AA onto the steel grid, because his legs aren’t scarred up enough.  Cena pins Punk to win the match and go to WrestleMania.  Miz, while watching backstage, holds up his title at Cena.  Hey Miz.  You’re backstage.  He cant see you!!!

This night is well worth the money.  Order the replay or buy the PPV on DVD or BluRay in a couple weeks.  Two good PPVs leading into ‘Mania have raised the bar of excitement high.  Hoping the biggest show of the year can live up to this build.

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