Smarked for Death – WWE Monday Night Raw 2/21/11.

Its finally 2/21/11!  Lets see what WWE is hitting us with this time.

The show begins with the 2/21/11 logo counting down to the second hour of Raw.  Still predicting its the Undertaker’s return.  Would be satisfied with Triple H coming back.  Would mark the fuck out for Sting.

John Cena makes his way to the ring to his usual mixed reaction.  Josh Matthews and Michael Cole are calling tonight’s event.  Cena says he should be excited for WrestleMania but all he can think about is the Rock’s Fruity Pebbles comments from last week.  Cena plays footage from Rock’s speech.  Hopefully not all twenty plus minutes.  Cena reminds us that protocol says he has to respond and call the Rock out.  The degree in Thugonomics is about to be dusted off.  The battle rap is still alive and Cena even gets to sneak in a “blow me” line.  And a Brokeback Mountain reference!  It continues, balls, johnson, ass kissing!   Wow, the PG label is being stretched like Mae Young!  Sure, Cena is a cartoon character now but a character who bleeds WWE.  Rock vs. Cena would sell the shit out of any arena.

John Morrison vs. CM Punk

Both men are walking wounded after the beating they took inside the Chamber last night.  Far too quick a match, I guess to sell the injuries.  Punk hits a GTS for the pin.  All the story line work on Morrison’s knees is going to lead to a very real and necessary surgery.  Punk calls out “Randal Keith Orton” and promises that the Nexus will not be there.  Punk swears he will prevent Orton from making it to ‘Mania.  Punk keeps talking about “next week” and we all think Randy isn’t there.  Until he comes through the crowd and attacks Punk.  Nexus runs out to “hold back” Punk.  Guess they forgot he gave them the night off.  Because Punk wouldn’t lie to us fans right?

Alberto Del Rio begins his overlong ring entrance and Kofi Kingston runs out to stop it.  Aren’t both of these guys on Smackdown?  Del Rio bends Kofi’s already damaged arm behind Kofi’s back and then drives Kofi’s helpless body into various stronger objects.  One arm bar later and Alberto looks like a monster while Kofi looks like he could lose the Intercontinental title and possibly any hope for a spot on the ‘Mania card.

The Miz, with his entourage of belt, briefcase, and Riley, comes out to talk about last night’s match.  Miz cuts down Rock’s words from last week.  So the two men who will be in the Raw main event at ‘Mania are spending their time responding to a man who has not been in WWE in 7 years and not wrestled in longer than that.  Miz at least mentions Cena and gets a couple jabs in, thus doing more to build up their match than Cena did earlier.  The GM sends yet another email.  The GM mentions the unlikely yet successful tag team of Rock and Mick Foley.  This means another strange pairing tonight as Miz and Cena will challenge for the WWE Tag Team Titles.

WWE Steroid All Stars commercial.  Wow, that’s some ridiculous graphics.

Speaking of ridiculous, the sadly continuing feud of the Bellas and Gail gets more screen time now.

Bella Twins vs. Gail Kim and Eve Torres (WWE Divas champion)

One of the Bellas actually pulls Gail all the way down from nearly the top rope.  Good nasty move by the less skilled ones.  Graphics for 2/21/11 play at the bottom of the screen.  This better be good.  Gail gets pissed off at a Bella and charges in, illegally.  The Bellas pull the old switch and get the pin on Eve.  Punch, kick, switch, pin.  Oh, and get paid.  I only hate them because I’m jealous.

3 minutes to go until we know what the hell is happening on this date.  Again, it better be good.


The countdown to 2/21/11 begins and its… The Undertaker.  Which we all knew by now.  Is it really exciting that he’s back, again?  He comes and goes so many times throughout his career that this moment has lost any meaning.  Will he seek vengeance against Kane, Nexus or Corre?  Chances are no, because most of the people who took him out are currently on Smackdown.  A giant neon symbol is lowered.  Undertaker Casino, coming this fall.  Dear WWE, symbols and other displays being lowered into the ring has never worked.  Before Undertaker can begin his dramatic removal of clothes… The Game returns.  One, much more impressive than yet another Undertaker return.  Two, about fucking time.  Trips and ‘Taker both slowly turn to look at the WrestleMania sign.  Good thing they were standing in a way that the camera could see all that.  Coincidental I’m sure.  No words are said but their actions speak volumes.  I’m returning, you’re returning, and we both need to do something big to make an impact and get back in the hunt.

Cole asks if Triple H gesturing “suck it” could be the fate of the Undertaker.  Yes, Cole.  If Undertaker is pinned he has to blow Hunter.  Fucking idiot.

King Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

Alright, I’ll admit it.  I had no desire to watch this match.  Mark Henry wins with a World’s Strongest Slam.  So.  Yeah.  That match happened.

Miss USA will be on Tough Enough.  Oh good, and I was worried they would have people just looking for fame but with no love of wrestling.

Sheamus decides to have words with Daniel Bryan.  Oh good, that means the US champion got to be on Raw.  About time.

The next name announced for the WWE Hall of Fame is… Hacksaw Jim Duggan!  I got nothing bad to say.  Maybe he played a goofy flag waving idiot a lot of the time, but he was one of the great faces when I started watching wrestling.  Hacksaw will be inducted by the Million Dollar Man.  I’m really not sure on that one.

Michael Cole is about to interview Jerry Lawler.  Cole runs his mouth and runs down Lawler.  Its a little disgusting and I’m debating on how I would feel if I were a wrestler and was asked to be a part of such a story.  Everything Cole says is worth it though for Lawler’s response.  The King shows that old school still knows how to rule the mic.  Cole runs away like a little… well.  Can I just refer to him as “Michael Cole, the Bitch” from now on?  Twitter followers tell me I can.

Jerry Lawler joins Josh on the headsets because Michael Cole, the Bitch has run away.

Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel (WWE Tag Team Champions, with the Corre) vs. The Miz (WWE Champion, with Alex Riley) and John Cena

Corre should be defending the titles under Freebird rules.  It also pains me that most modern wrestling fans probably have no idea what that means.  Kids, if you want to know what a “pecking order” is, watch this match.  This hurts a little.  Corre is destroyed by Cena and Miz and gets in little offense.  Miz hits a skull crushing finale in on Gabriel and gets the pin.  Miz wins the title for the ridiculous time and Cena continues his trend of tag team title reigns with strange partners.  Wade Barrett wants the Corre to get an immediate rematch and the GM grants it.

Tag Team Title Rematch

Just realized that there is an absurd amount of people involved in this match.  I’ve seen less guys working an indy show.  At least this rematch is a much more competitive match and Gabriel and Slater are allowed to look like they actually belong in a WWE ring.  Miz hits that big extension kick once again.  Seriously, when did he add that to his arsenal?  Cena launches the classic hot tag house of fire offense until the Miz sneaks up behind and gives John the skull crushing finale.  Corre gets the pin and we have the second title change of the night.

Overall, I’d call it a strange Raw.  But a good start to build up WrestleMania.

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