We may be short on days this month, but that doesn’t mean we have to be short on action! Here’s hoping for an exciting edition of Raw.
Its a hot crowd tonight in Buffalo and they get even hotter when Triple H comes out. Triple H has this strange appeal where he is only loved when he’s gone. Yay, Triple H is back! How long are you here for? Hunter hasn’t been on TV in forever, and oh look he’s monopolizing Raw already I hate him. No, we need Triple H to come back! He brings out the split personalities of wrestling fans. Anyways. For some reason Josh Matthews and Jerry Lawler are the announcers. No idea yet what happened to Michael Cole. If you ever wanted to have a gay Thor on a t-shirt, but The Game’s new one. Hunter says he has never beaten Undertaker (he must have at sometime) and that the two men are the Last Outlaws. Coming soon from WWE Films! Game says that for both of them the only challenge left is each other. Wow. You’ve been back for 5 minutes and already insulted the entire locker room. Well done. Didn’t Sheamus take you out for nearly a year? Or how about the new stars like Miz, CM Punk, Wade Barrett, John Morrison, etc. Triple H wants to end the streak. I want Undertaker to end the streak of Hunter burying everyone else’s career to put himself over.
Before Hunter can leave Sheamus comes out and I cross my fingers for story line continuity. Well the announcers get to bring it up at least. Because before Sheamus can say a word Triple H destroys him. Two time WWE champion, one of the men who will be the future of the company, and Hunter decimates him, his push, his career, and also the announce table, all in the opening segment of Raw.
Lawler looks down at Sheamus and asks, “what are we going to do with him?” I’d suggest playing a recent episode of TNA Impact and reminding him that he wont be doing any better over there.
Back from commercial break and all the Vince’s horses and all the Vince’s men are trying to put Sheamus together again. The GM sends an email and Jerry Lawler is too excited to read it. Sheamus still has to compete tonight against the “returning”… Who the hell is left to return?
Sheamus vs…. Evan Bourne!
That is a great return. The crowd gives him a huge ovation. Which lasts longer than the match. Fucking wow. As the Miz says, really? Granted Sheamus just had his ass handed to him but did he need to be buried by Evan as well? If Bourne doesn’t get put into Money in the Bank and have a great showing then this was all for naught. Packing in something to every minute of the show this week, and “the voice of the WWE” (gag me) Michael Cole comes out to have words with Lawler. He does this with no microphone so its rather pointless. And that leads us into the commercial break.
They are really pushing this “last of the outlaws” horseshit hard. After Ron Bass, Road Dogg and Billy Gunn left WWE I guess Undertaker is the only one left.
Michael Cole runs his mouth at Jerry Lawler. I could not care less. This match will be scheduled to be my WrestleMania bathroom break. And I hope its a huge dump. Cole wants his own trainer and a special referee. Lawler calls Michael “Cole Sore” and the entire internet wrestling community is pissed they didn’t think of that one first. Lawler accepts any terms just to beat Cole. Cole’s trainer is Jack Swagger. Wow. That’s a long way to fall from last year’s WrestleMania. No one gets their WrestleMania moment by being someone else’s bitch. Swagger locks an ankle lock onto Lawler. I cant believe Jack would do such a thing to an old man after seeing his old man beat up earlier this year. Grandmaster Sexay should have made the save.
Michael Cole is now on commentary while Lawler recovers. The table has been replaced at some point too. Randy Orton comes out with words for CM Punk. Punk comes out with not only his own words but also with Nexus. A GM email arrives and this becomes an official WrestleMania match. In a very interesting twist, over the next few weeks Nexus members will face off with Randy Orton. If Orton wins that member is banned from ‘Mania, if Nexus wins that member can be in Punk’s corner at ‘Mania. That is actually an interesting and original twist.
Randy Orton vs. Michael McGillicutty
Does anyone think McG has a chance of winning this match? No? No one? Okay, you’re all right. Orton hits an RKO for the pin. Orton then hits a Punt on McG. Thanks for coming! Tell everyone in Florida we said hi!
WWE promotes the exciting new talent, Sin Cara with… newspaper clippings! 21st century media at its best. I guess the computers in Stanford don’t have any YouTube downloading program installed.
Miz comes out to complain about sitting on the hump while the Rock and John Cena get the comfortable seats up front. John Cena has words. Alex Riley messes up his words. Cena calls Miz gay in his own PG way. Cena, Miz and Riley all agree to a match later tonight. The GM decrees that it will be inside a steel cage. Which is shocking because for the last few years the cage is already assembled and hanging above the ring before the night begins.
Eve joins for commentary during a Divas Battle Royal for the #1 contender. I’m expecting absolutely zero out of this. These last few segments have dragged down Raw. One of the Bella wins, which we all saw coming. The Twins beat down Eve and this horrid story continues.
The Rock talks and mocks people on the TitanTron. He blows himself on the big screen for longer screen time than anyone else got this week. How can Rock have been gone for 7 years and I’m already tired of him? This feud comes down to who loves WWE more. Oh. Rock and John Cena are fighting over a woman. A woman named WWE.
Shawn Michaels gives his opinion on who will win between Triple H and Undertaker. Does the second hour of Raw hate having wrestling on it?
Daniel Bryan comes out for a match and the Miz attacks him. No one knows why. Also, no one knows why Bryan came out for a match an hour and 47 minutes into Raw. Hey, there’s still a main event that needs to take place Daniel! Miz destroys Bryan and no one knows why.
John Cena vs. Alex Riley – Steel Cage Match
Miz takes a great picture of John Cena in the cage with his cell phone. (As seen above.) One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. And it makes sense too, if anything it should be done more in this social media age. Miz tries to pull Riley out of the cage, to no avail. There should really be no commercials on Raw past the two hour point. Miz tries to block Cena’s exit but Cena powers out of the cage. Miz hits a Skull Crushing Finale on Cena on his way out of the cage. Cena wins, Riley is fired, and the Miz actually looks good at the end of the night.