Smarked for Death – TNA Impact 3/3/11.

Here we go with… what the hell is going on with the set?  Oh!  TNA is on the road!  It happens so rarely I didn’t know what was going on.  It actually looks like a show and a future competitor to WWE.  TNA didn’t need Hogan, or Monday Nights.  They need to go on the road.  Yes, it costs more money but tonight TNA looks legit.

Anyways, Dixie comes out crying saying the on going court battle has not gone her way.  So do not care about this angle.  Speaking of things that don’t get me to turn into TNA, Immortal comes down to the ring.  Bischoff talks about her “Dixie Dust”.  Well that was strange.  Far too much talking right now.  If you’re going to point out that tonight takes place in Flair Country, how about some great wrestling to go along with it.  I hope there’s not a second Civil War when Flair Country decides to leave the union.  Bischoff comments on Dixie’s balls.  I now expect to see a tranny stripper named Dixie Dust.  Hulk Hogan comes out too.  Fans are cheering for the heels, Hogan and Flair, because they’re excited to see these legends.  Hogan now controls 100% of TNA.  That’s like me bragging that I hold 100% of my poop.  No one else wants it.  Hogan is in charge.  Expect the Nasty Boys to now be called the greatest tag team of all time.  Fortune comes out and gets the cheap pop for mentioning where they are tonight.  Fortune “saves” Dixie, who didn’t appear to ever be in danger.

Some athlete from another sport is walking around backstage.  Brief fight with him, Immortal and Fortune.  The Jarretts walk through, concerned only with themselves.  Yeah, that all seems about right.

Beer Money Inc (TNA Tag Team Champions) vs. Gunner and Murphy

Finally, a half hour into a wrestling show and there’s some actual wrestling.  Not a big fan of the team of Gunner and Murphy.  They’ve done nothing to impress me, they are just bodies filling a spot, and there is no reason for them to be in Immortal.  There’s a long drop down from Jeff Hardy and Ric Flair to the rest of Immortal.  Beer Money hits a hot tag and it is hot.  This new audience is raising the excitement of the show.  Go on the road more often!  Beer Money hits the DWI for a relatively easy win.  Crowd was very into the match.  They must have a bigger crowd than the Impact Zone holds.  Ink Inc comes out to issue a challenge.  Shannon Moore gets the crowd to yell “fuck”.  Nothing like seeing some PG-13 themes in wrestling.

More wasted video on the Jarretts, and Eric Young on the toilet.  Yeah, that’s about how I feel about this story.

Sarita (with Rosita) vs. Velvet Sky (with Angelina Love)

Huge pop for the Beautiful People.  This has to be TNA’s best show in months.  Maybe years.  If Velvet loses tonight she’s gone from TNA.  Yeah, not going to happen.  TNA needs to market Velvet much better.  Maybe the hottest woman in wrestling today.  Angelina and Rosita are sent away from the ring.  Which does diminish Velvet’s chances.  Velvet hits a DDT for the pin and is going no where.

The Shore (Robbie E, Cookie and actual Jersey Shore slut Angelina) come out and decide to be incredibly annoying.  Short skank brawl.  All girl 6 way next week.

Required talking segment on all wrestling shows happens.

The wedding takes place.  What a waste of time.  Alright, Eric Young and Orlando Jordan as ring bearer and flower girl is genius. Kurt Angle comes out and beats up Jeff before anything gets started.  Just once cant we have a nice wedding on a wrestling show?  Kurt smashes Karen’s face into the cake.  Kurt does what every ex husband in the country has wanted to do at some point.

Talking talking talking, when do I get to see some wrestling again on here?  Oh good.  Rob Terry vs. Scott Steiner.  Well its wrestling, technically.  I wouldn’t expect anything classic.  Terry taps out to the Steiner Recliner.

Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan

Hernandez, who should be booked as a monster heel, walks off during this match.  Yes, he’s a heel but he shouldn’t be a chicken shit one.  Morgan is bigger, but not by that much, and Hernandez is the better all around talent.  I cant even count how many times these two have changed sides.  TNA needs to be like Attitude era WWE.   No good guys or bad guys, just stories and you can cheer or boo whoever you please.  Match ends with a DQ and Hernandez busts Morgan open.  Seemingly for no good reason.

The wedding takes place again.  At the end of it Kurt takes out an axe.   That’s not how you cut the cake Angle!  You would think for a millionaire he could afford the extra cake cutting fee.  Kurt Angle gets into a fight with whoever this athlete is that TNA brought in for the night.

Jeff Hardy (TNA World Champion) vs. ???

And Sting makes his return to TNA.  Good for TNA.  I would have loved to have seen Sting in WWE finally.  But good for him getting the hero’s return welcome.  This match looks like its going to be a squash when Hardy is locked into the Scorpion Deathlock within minutes of the match starting.  Hardy gets to the ropes to break the hold but Sting continues his assault on the outside.  Jeff Hardy somehow kicks out of a Scorpion Death Drop.  Sting stops Hardy from coming off the ropes and hits a second Death Drop.  A third one for good measure and Sting becomes the new TNA champion.

This was Sting’s match the entire time.  Hardy had no chance from the opening seconds.

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