Sorry fans but wrestling has been shit lately. Which is something that should never happen leading up to WrestleMania. And yet here we are.
Six minutes into the show and all that has aired is people walking to the ring. First Michael Cole as JR. Because if there’s anyone who hasn’t gotten shit on enough in WWE its Jim Ross. Yeah! Give his Bells Palsey ass what it deserves Cole! Then Triple H walks out. He spends an equal amount of time talking about his match at Mania. Apparently the road to WrestleMania is paved with a lot of information stops that must be read aloud. Hunter wants Undertaker on Raw next week. Now we’re hyping up more talking?! TalkingMania is running wild baby! “I went to see wrestling and a match broke out.” Ted DiBiase comes out. Before I get the chance to call him an afterthought, Ted says it himself. Ted wants to make an impact by taking out HHH. This does not happen. Triple H smacks around Ted like he’s Virgil. Hunter destroys the announce table with Ted’s body. But not the Cole Mine with Glory Hole action announce table. That, thankfully is still standing. Who else could call the action in the ring? You know, if there is any.
Sheamus (US Champion) vs. Evan Bourne
Cole announces he’ll be live tweeting during the match. Anything to take the focus away from the wrestlers eh, Cole? Evan misses Air Bourne. Sheamus hits a big kick for the pin, and we’ve yet to get a match that lasts longer than the entrances. Oh good, Sheamus will talk now too. Sheamus just says he’s champion, a Cliffs Notes promo. Daniel Bryan comes out to talk as well. Rematch clause! We have a match! Oh, its at Mania. Great match added to the card but it does nothing for me tonight.
Randy Orton gets interviewed in the parking garage. He reminds the fans that he is sick and twisted. As all good faces should be.
Maryse vs. Eve (Divas champion)
Will this match get interrupted as well? Granted the match isn’t good, but there goes Cole again. I’m shocked the Cole Mine doesn’t have a roof. Someone should shit on it much like he shits on Raw (and the Divas matches) every week. Eve gets the pin, and thus far its the longest match of the night. Why doesn’t Cole run his mouth during any other matches? Besides the fact that the other matches aren’t lasting long enough to be interrupted?
Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel (WWE Tag Team Champions, with The Corre) vs. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (with Tamina)
Wade gets involved enough for Corre to get the advantage. Gabriel hits the 450 splash on Kozlov for the pin. Corre beats up the faces until Big Show and Kane, with new mash up music, hit the ring. Well, the match was short but adequate. It got the point across that the Corre are a legit threat. Kane and Show destroy the Corre. How does this build up to Mania? If they can destroy Corre that easily why would I spend money to see it again? Momentum killer.
John Cena is live via satellite at his home. Which looks much like it exists in a nearby hotel or even some office at the arena. I wont be shocked at all if Rock comes out of Mania as the WWE champion. Cena talks surprisingly little. Cole comes out of his hobbit hole to tease that he will… talk some more.. after the commercials. Remember when WWE used to tease wrestling? Which, in a way, I guess they are doing. Because I haven’t seen a good match on Raw in ages. Oh good, lets rewatch more shit that already happened. Cole breaks out the Lawler family photo album. If its not full of pictures of Coca Cola and underage girls I call horseshit. Cole says things, Lawler gets mad, Swagger and Cole get the best of Lawler. If Cole doesn’t bleed, Mania will riot.
Holy Fuck! Now I have to sit through a video package on Snooki? And hype for the season finale of Jersey Shore?! Fuck this.
Dolph Ziggler (with LayCool and Vickie) vs. John Morrison (with Trish Stratus)
Wow, is it possible that a competitive match might take place tonight? The match just starts to get flowing and the wrestlers find their rhythm. But then the girls get into it. Which brings in the Raw GM. The match is now the exact same match that will be taking place at Mania, but with Vickie instead of Snooki. The same match! Just replacing one short unathletic woman with another! The people who will be wrestling the majority of the Mania match are all the same and wrestling in this match. Cole says that Trish may be the greatest Diva ever. Yeah, don’t see Cole breaking into a Trish match at all. Two future world champions (oh, that one didn’t count!) get buried in this match, but at least it means they’re on the Mania card. Trish falls and still hasn’t received the memo on post Attitude era allowable clothing. See: thong. And see it you can. If anything can take eyes away from that, its Dolph hitting a Zig Zag on Morrison and Vickie of all people getting the pin.
Everyone gives their opinion on Triple H vs. Undertaker. Everyone that wants to keep their job and/or legends deal that is.
Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio in a WrestleMania rewind match.
Of course that Mania match also featured Kurt Angle, but we’ll distract your memory for a bit. Oh yeah, Triple H vs. Undertaker has already taken place at Mania as well. Again! Just when the match is getting good CM Punk appears on the Tron. Punk threatens to get on Orton’s tour bus and split Randall’s wife right in her Nexus. Orton runs to save his wife and instead gets his knee taken out. Punk reminds us all why he’s awesome by finishing the scene with “aint that a kick in the head”, a brutal kick to Orton and a blown kiss to Orton’s woman (who doesn’t look like the woman who played his wife back when Triple H trashed his home. His home is St Louis that was surrounded by palm trees. Yeah, I still cant get over that.)
Tonight Miz will rewrite history. He’s come to the right place, as WWE rewrites its own history all the time. Thank God, a new belt! Oh, its just the same belt but as an M. For Miz. How cute. Cena appears on the Tron and oh, he fooled us all, he’s at the arena! Did any one not see that coming? Cena fights with Miz and Alex Riley. Riley gets his ass kicked, Miz runs away.
And that’s how the show ends. Terribly.