Saturdays in the Collection 1.

Part of being a geek is the fact that there will be collections and they will become overwhelming.  While my focus is on comics and wrestling this easily covers magazines, books, DVDs and toys.  Those collections spin off into MMA, scifi, cartoons and the like.  Then a favorite writer or wrestler or actor is followed into another project.  I’m already stressed out at how big this collection is getting, and I’m only writing about it.  The worst part of it is the amount of material in the collection that sits.  Never opened, never read, never watched.  Yet there it is.  Its either taking up valuable space or its a new favorite waiting to be discovered and thus should be in a place of prominence.

Once a week I’ll dive into the collection.  Pulling out one or many titles and deciding their fate.  This week, we get the bad things out of the way early.  This week is Dirty Sanchez.

I’ll start with the DVD cover.  First is a sticker which says, “Free Barf Bag”.  I open up the clam shell and son of a bitch.  There is in fact a barf bag inside.  IF any of you are interested in the movie, it can be found used on Amazon for a little over a dollar.  Which means at this point the barf bag costs more than the disc.  The “movie” is from Dimension Extreme so we’re already hit or miss.  And,  considering the bag, I’m leaning towards miss.

For those of you wondering why the hell I own this, I’ll give the back story.  It was bought for $3 in a bundle with two other DVDs.  This movie, some Japanese action movie and Dinner for Five season 1 were all shrink wrapped together at Big Lots for three dollars.  Someone at a distribution center has one fucked up sense of humor.

The DVD starts up and ironically it is presented by Genius Entertainment.  This is an ominous start.  The DVD begins with this strange group asking “where are your friends?”  Hopefully doing something that contributes more to society than anyone associated with this DVD.

“This DVD is intended for sale only.”  Oh good.  Hollywood would collapse upon itself if this movie didn’t reach Dark Knight levels of money.  As expected for such films.  MTV Europe has a hand in this.  I wonder if some of the Jackass crew isn’t allowed out of the United States.  The Sanchez crew starts out at Area 52 in Wales.  The shortest Sanchez argues against doing some stunt.  There’s a lot of build up for some mysterious stunt.  Which, and honestly I should have seen this coming, is a movie stunt with a car crash, explosion and death.  Death?  That’s a little morbid considering any one of these guys in any of these stunt groups could die at any time.  Their “deaths” are used to set up what can only be remotely called a plot.  The crew will travel the world committing all of the 7 Deadly Sins.

They super glue one of the guy’s nose shut.  There is most likely a hundred YouTube clips showing similar acts.  For free.  The crazy thing though is that we Americans find the English accent so distinguished that even these fucking idiots sound cultured.

Next they dress up as rabbits and have clay pigeons shot at their bodies.  So far this video is merely stupid and not disgusting.  Still on the sin of sloth the guys compete to see who can last the longest in a Lay-Z-Boy while a pellet gun is being shot at them.  The loser has to fire a pellet gun to the nuts.  While I don’t need to see any genitalia in such a film the fact that its blurred out is surprising.  A cock is where you draw the line?

Where does one go from there?  Why not throw darts at someone else’s fingers!  A lot of drinking takes place.  I’ve had my shares of nights out at the bars but never has it ended with me wanting to hurt myself.  Well, not in this way.  One of the guys passes out drunk and it becomes an Incredible Hulk prank.  He is spray painted green and has his clothes torn apart.  When he wakes he becomes… well not the Hulk.  More like a drunk Englishman who hasn’t figured out what’s going on.

The DVD cover calls this “the gross out film to end them all” and “makes Jackass look like the Teletubbies”.  So far I’ve seen nothing.

The next segment is Anger.  One of the guys gets a tattoo in Russian.  But the tattoo artist is paid off to write something other than what is asked for.  But we’ll have to wait to see what that tattoo resulted in.  First of all one of the guys (and I say one of the guys because none of this is worth learning anyone’s names) attempts to break the world record for paintball shots.  As in the amount of times a nearly naked human is shot by paintballs.  He has to take 103 shots.  There is no record.  Its actually a bit funny and a bit sad to hear how excited he is to earn this record.  The number of welts and wounds on his body is disgusting.  He looks like he was run over by a meat tenderizer.

Way too many scene switches.  I realize that most people who would watch such a thing have short attention spans but one stunt doesn’t really finish before the next one begins.

Oh good, we’re up to Lust and they’re in Bangkok.  The short one is going to get liposuction.  This really really might be too far.  There is bile in my throat.  My fingers are preparing to cover my eyes.  Never ever in a fucking lifetime would I sign up for elective cosmetic surgery, or really any surgery, in Thailand.  This might not be any worse than your average true medical show but I don’t watch those and thus this is really reaching my limit.

Some Thailand lady boys come out to fool the men.  They get lap dances and kisses from the lady boys.  The Sanchez crew freaks out over kissing a man.  I’d be much more worried that it would be like kissing a syringe.  A dirty broken, found at the bottom of a rusty dumpster, syringe.  As if this isn’t bad enough the guys play Bangkok roulette.  That’s when a Thai woman goes underneath the table and picks one of the guys at random for a rub and tug.  The losers have to eat random insects and alcohol.  The stakes have been raised though and whoever earns the wank has to now drink the fat sucked out of the body in the last segment.  Yeah.  My limit may have been reached.

That’s where I turn the DVD off.  While debating on whether or not to continue watching this I looked up other DVD reviews online.  If there were any doubts left in me about this movie, as soon as I read that it culminates with one of the Sanchez crew cutting off part of his pinky for no reason, I’m done.  There are books and skills and talents out there in the world.  All of which deserve more time than this.  My life is too important to waste on this shit.

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