Smarked for Death – Impact Wrestling 5/19/11.

Like, like, well there is no better way to explain how I feel about TNA’s bold new direction that could be any better than this picture.

Highlights from Sacrifice start the show.  Along with the promises that this is where “wrestling matters”.  Well it did include a new opening video, so that must mean it to be  true.  Nice video but I’m still very confused what the company’s official name is supposed to be.

Immortal comes out and the camera keeps focusing on Ric Flair sucking on a Charms blow pop.  Gum filled suckers matter again!  This is the strangest faction I’ve ever seen:  Bischoff, Flair, Abyss, Matt Hardy, Bully Ray and Gunner.  This faction looks sad even compared to WWE’s gang wars era.  Eric talks too much and says they are in charge.  Brian Kendrick leads a contingent of X Division wrestlers out to ask how the hell Eric, a non wrestler, is controlling a wrestling show.   Good question.  Eric says he will wipe out the X Division starting tonight.  I realize he is meant to be a heel, but he’s also portraying a businessman.  As a businessman he should realize that both TNA and WCW made a ton of money off the X/Cruiserweight divisions.  There is no way or reason that getting rid of the X division would make financial sense.  Eric Bischoff makes matches to punish the younger wrestlers.  Matt Hardy will teach Amazing Red “how to fly”.   Please.  Matt Hardy couldn’t fly Southwest.  A large brawl takes place until Fortune comes out to chase off Immortal.  Big crazy brawl continues but this happens so much in TNA that I’m not feeling any drama.

The new Impact Wrestling graphics are very impressive.

Rosita and Sarita (TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions) and Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James Tara and Miss Tessmacher

Is it just me or are the Knockouts outfits getting skimpier?  Has TNA seen any quarter hour increases from this yet?  Someone do the research for me.  Also, how many TNA fans are aware of the Miss Tessmacher name joke?  Mexican America comes out to watch their chicas in action.  Madison throws her tag team partner to the wolves.  The wolf being Tara.  Tara pins Rosita for the good girls to win.  Excellent womens match, better than WWE has had in forever.  Main story here is Tara and Madison, which sadly means no story surrounding the Knockouts champions.

Abyss vs. Kazarian (X Division champion)

Eric Bischoff asks Abyss, “what would Sun Tzu do?”  First of all, I want bracelets that says WWSTD now.  Secondly, I would hope Sun Tzu would write a better show.  Abyss has new music and its no where near as good as his previous entrance theme.  TNA must hate good music.  Not that the last match wasn’t good, but the show is a half hour in and this is the first time the men have wrestled.  But remember, wrestling matters.  Sometime before this match Abyss remembered he’s a monster of a human being and he brings the aggression throughout the match.  Kaz tries to be quicker and smarter nothing is enough to keep the scary giant down.  Eventually Kazarian tries to fly off of one too many ropes and Abyss catches him with a back breaker.  Taz and Mike Tenay wonder if Abyss can pull of a splash.  Really?  We’re debating on whether he can climb to the second turnbuckle and fall forward?  I’m betting even I can do that, without any training or athleticism.  Abyss feigns injuring his knee and it fools everyone.  Kazarian runs in to pick the carcass but the possum awakens and takes Kaz down with a Black Hole Slam.  Abyss is the new X Division champion.

Amazing Red vs. Samoa Joe

Before the match a brief highlight video of Joe is played, reminding everyone what a force he was in TNA.  Well at least someone remembered.  Is Joe a heel here?  Is he in Immortal?  Or does he just not care and beats up anyone in his path?  Joe demolishes Red and finally puts the dog down with a muscle buster for the pin.  Joe attacks Red some more, trying to drag out Crimson to make the save.  It works and Crimson the big red dog comes out to fend off Samoa Joe.

AJ Styles, wearing a neck brace due to the assault he received at the last show, calls out his assailant Tommy Dreamer.  Dreamer comes out and its an all new dreamer.  Full beard, suit, sunglasses, and for lack of a better term, a star attitude.  AJ says if Dreamer doesn’t do what Immortal tells him to do than Dreamer’s contract is torn up.  Dreamer says he did his actions at the PPV for Immortal, but now he does it for himself.  Tommy heel turn!   Dreamer flips out saying the fans are ungrateful for all that he’s sacrificed.  I can’t argue his logic.  Dreamer is destroying Styles until Daniels comes out to make the save.  The Fallen Angel and the Innovator of Violence battle but all that this accomplishes is distracting AJ enough that he never sees Bully Ray come in with the chain.  Ray lays out AJ and then watches his extreme brother destroy Styles with a piledriver.   Really well done angle.

Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett speak their usual shit.  I just cant care anymore.  Karen Jarrett makes a “dramatic” return in a wheelchair saying she wont be gone that easily.  Velvet Sky sneaks out and dumps Karen down the ramp.  Nothing like having yet another woman hate you Velvet.

People on the phone segments.  Riveting television.  Eric talks to Hulk before the commercial, but after the commercial its Jeff on the phone with Eric.  Why doesn’t Jeff just walk down the hall?

Generation Me vs. Eric Bischoff and Matt Hardy.

My apologies, “Cold Blooded” Matt Hardy.  I cant wait for Jeff Hardy to clear up his legal troubles and come back to TNA only so I can find out if he will be called the Foreigner Hot Blooded Jeff Hardy.  I’d like to say GenMe are busting out some great wrestling, but all I’m seeing are moves from the Hardy Boys and Edge & Christian.  Usually this wouldn’t bother me so much but when you’re in the ring with Matt Hardy, or any of those guys, don’t copy their moves.  Jeremy Buck wrestles while wearing a necklace?  Nothing good could come of that.  Hardy has a submission move called the Ice Pick now?  What the hell.  Eric misses a kick on Max Buck, even with Matt holding him.  Then Bischoff cradles up Buck so he doesn’t fight out of the pin attempt.  This is why bookers shouldn’t wrestle.  Just another self blow job of a match.

Winter gives the zombie Angelina Love a pep talk before their match, and the briefest of kisses takes place.   The young fans FAP themselves to death.

Winter and Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky

Winter’s music is even creepier in long form.  She is just fantastically fucked up.  I’d love to see what a good booker could do with her.  Velvet does a damn good job of trying to fight against the odds.  But as I learned in college, the only thing worse than one crazy girl is two crazy bitches coming after you.  Winter weakens Velvet down and a very slasher killer slow Angelina goes for the pin.  Velvet has no trouble surprising her tranced former friend and Sky rolls up Love for the pin.  Velvet escapes the ring and begins to celebrate before some mystery assailant attacks her.  Its the one and only ODB returning to TNA and bringing an ass kicking with her!

The crazy Eric Young, still holding the old TNA title, or is it the TV title, anyways he shows Miss Tessmacher how to pose for the camera.  Gunner shows up for no good reason, as he does, and attacks Young.

Ric Flair calls out Robert Roode.  Is this something I’m meant to care about?  Maybe I will, but not yet.  Mentor, respect, blah blah blah.  Any time Flair speaks it slowly degenerates from speech down to Twitter hashtags.  Roode stands up for himself and locks Flair in an arm bar.  Immortal comes out to save Flair and beat the shit out of Roode.  Fortune sets up chairs and breaks Robert’s shoulder.  Nasty set up too, real nice and violent looking.

Sting comes out to cut a promo.  The camera gets a good shot of the TNA title and that is not a pretty belt at all.  Better than the Jeff Hardy one though.  By far.  Sting puts over Rob Van Dam for his wrestling skill in their match at last week’s PPV.  Sting says he’s pissed off at Ken Anderson, which is the second time he’s been called by his full name tonight.  The lights go out, Sting’s music plays, and Mr Anderson is in the ring dressed in classic 1980s Sting gear.  Wow.  This is complete with facepaint and classic Sting poses.  What an asshole thing to do.  Now, NOW, TNA has a main event feud that interests me.  Finally, and well done.

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