Tonight WWE is too fast and too furious for cable TV. Tonight its all about fast cars and a thin gimmick to tie together a pay per view.
WWE shows a brief “in memory of Macho Man Randy Savage” graphic. Hopefully there is a fitting tribute on Raw. This is followed up by the usual movie trailer hype package video. Always well done by WWE.
R-Truth vs. Rey Mysterio
Truth comes out to no ring music and says his usual everyone is keeping me down diatribe. He keeps yelling at little Jimmy too. Unless little Jimmy is going to be facing Truth at the next PPV, lay off the poor kid. Also, only minutes into the show and the first Zack Ryder sign of the night has appeared. The back of Truth’s jeans has “shut up” airbrushed across. I cant get behind this guy at all. One, because try as I may I’m just not a fan. Two, if I was behind him I’d have to look at that ghastly airbrush art and I might giggle myself to death. Rey is on tonight and has been nothing but impressive. A super bulldog from the second turnbuckle should have been enough to end the match but Truth is hanging in there. Usually I think Truth’s move set is a bit pedestrian. Even his flashy moves are frequently done by indy spot monkeys. But R-Truth pulls out two moves that shocked me. First of all his spinning elbow really is a beautiful move. It should be built up more and be treated as a devastating finisher. Second, Truth catches Rey coming through the ropes and crotches him on the ring apron. The only other wrestler I’ve seen catch an opponent like that is Finlay, and even his use of the apron wasn’t as painful. Truth hits the Lie Detector and his push continues with a huge win over Rey Mysterio.
Truth enjoys a celebratory water after the match, then shares it over Rey’s head. Glad the water got brought back. Truth’s conditioning joke has been one of the best things about this heel turn.
The Miz gets interviewed. Because the main event needs to be hyped up after I already bought the show.
Wade Barrett (Intercontinental champion) vs. Ezekiel Jackson
I guess Zeke is the face here, but he’s flipped so many times I’m not sure that it matters. Are we still in the shades of gray world WWE wanted for their Superstars? Are the fans to cheer or boo no matter what side the wrestlers is on? Anyways, Wade is an excellent opponent for Jackson. Barrett is, as the announcers said, “deceptively big”. Wade looks both smaller and equal to Jackson at the same time. Ezekiel is muscle over mind and wrestles like Brock Lesnar fights. He’s going to pound you until you’re done. Barrett however, is taking Ezekiel apart and out thinking his opponent. Wade is taking a beating to his neck and back and it will be a wonder if he survives this clobbering. Ezekiel begins his new signature move of repeated body slams. We’re up to four and the crowd is wincing in pain. On the fifth the crowd pops for their new super hero. Zeke picks up Wade for the torture rack and this could be it. But no, The Corre finally makes their appearance and attack Big Zeke. Jackson wins by DQ but that doesn’t please anyone. This is a pretty good beat down and the good part of it is that the fans want to see Ezekiel as champion even more now. I smell future money.
CM Punk and Mason Ryan plan their strategy for tonight. They walk into the Nexus locker room and see their stable mates knocked out on the floor. Most likely by Big Show and Kane.
Sin Cara vs. Chavo Guerrero
Holy shit, when was the last time Chavo was in a one on one match on PPV? Is it since he was ECW champion? As this is a Sin Cara match the lights dim to a surreal blue. This lighting actually makes the match hard to watch. There is no drama here because not one person thinks Chavo will win the match. I never thought the day would come when WWE takes a flashy superhero Mexican wrestler to push to the stars and I just don’t care. Sin Cara wins the match with a dramatic… head scissors take down? Granted, Chavo landed on his face but that still didn’t scream finisher. If I was a kid I’d love the hell out of this, but something is missing from the overall Sin Cara gimmick. Not sure what it is yet, but one of the pieces isn’t clicking into place.
WWE airs their anti bullying commercial. This is sad on every level.
Randy Orton and Christian get interviewed before their match.
Alberto Del Rio comes out and puts himself over for a while. Kane and Big Show comes out, and scare off ADR. Kane, “I’m already mad that the rapture didn’t come yesterday.”
Kane and The Big Show (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. CM Punk and Mason Ryan
Big push for Mason already. CM Punk is the first (and probably only) wrestler to have any mention of the recently deceased Randy Savage. Punk’s tape has Macho’s name written across. Punk tells the audience “you gotta wait” as they chant his name. The fans then start to chant “Batista” at Ryan. Great crowd tonight. Punk tags into the match way too early and gets smacked around by Galactus and Darkseid. Mason gets back into the match for a moment but its enough to knock Show down. Punk tags back in and that’s it for Nexus having the advantage. Show and Kane trade tags and destroy the leader of New Nexus. Punk gets in a good kick on Kane and its enough to weaken the monster. Mason and Punk work over Kane and wear down the smaller of the world destroyers. Ryan tries to pick up Kane, but cant lift the demon. One leg repositioning later and Mason easily picks up Kane for a slam. Mason still gets lost in the ring but there is no denying the freakish power. Punk runs across the ring quicker than Rey Mysterio wearing PF Flyers and cuts off Kane from making the hot tag. CM Punk climbs the ropes and poses in all the Savage glory for a flying elbow drop. Unfortunately it misses and Kane tags in the Big Show. Show steamrolls over Nexus and the match ends with a double chokeslam on Mason and Big Show picking up the pin.
A fantastic promo airs for next month’s Capitol Punishment PPV. I’m not sure what the gimmick will be, but this could be a great idea.
Brie Bella (WWE Divas champion, with Nikki Bella) vs. Kelly Kelly
I think I’ve discovered my problem with WWE Divas matches. There is no natural flow to the match. The Divas, especially the WWE created ones, have no knowledge of how to tell a match. They go from spot to spot and cant create anything on their own. Oh, the Bellas pull off “twin magic” and get the pin. This match was so pointless I found myself wishing Michael Cole would interrupt it.
Christian vs. Randy Orton (World champion)
This match is insane. Both men are pulling out moves that they either don’t usually or have never before used. Orton has started to use the Garvin stomp as a resting move, which is a nice place in the match to put it. Randy throws on a reverse Boston Crab, or as the internet calls it, the dirty wheelbarrow. Christian fakes coming off the ropes for a cross body and catches Orton putting up his hands for an RKO. Thinking quickly, Christian goes for a roll up instead and damn near gets the pin. One of these days Orton is going to take too much time stalking the RKO and will give his opponent enough time to recover. This might be that time as Christian pushes Orton off. Christian starts to call for the Spear and runs full throttle into … Orton catching him and spinning Christian into a slam. Randy attempts a Punt but Christian catches him with a Spear. The crowd goes nuts, but its only for a two count! Attempt after attempt to end the match ends with Christian pausing for only half a second, but that was enough for Orton to catch him with the RKO for the pin.
I knew how this match was going to end before I watched it, and still I was so engrossed in the match that the pinfall came out of nowhere. I screamed out “no!” in frustration over Christian’s loss, despite knowing he would lose! This match truly deserved the “this is awesome” chants.
A frustrated Christian initially refuses Orton’s offer of respect but eventually accepts it. The foreshadowing is thick.
Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler. Kiss My Foot match.
I’ve said it before, I refuse to watch this match or this story. There are appearances by Eve Torres, Bret Hart, Jim Ross and Jack Swagger. That is all.
The Miz (with Alex Riley) vs. John Cena (WWE Champion). I Quit Match.
Miz finds a loophole and adds Alex Riley to the match. Well, not officially as Alex cant get the pin, but he can beat up Cena for awhile. Jim Ross takes Cole’s place announcing and Josh Matthews hopefully packed a lunch because he’s going to school. Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment on Miz, not that it really matters in an I Quit match. But it really doesn’t matter after Riley brings in the briefcase and breaks it over Cena’s back. Miz and Alex continue to double team the champ and the two look a little too much like a fake brothers tag team. John Cena has limited comebacks but the dual assault always proves to be too much for him. Miz hits a kick out DDT on the steel steps, driving Cena’s head into the metal. Miz, in one of his most devilish moves to date, grabs the mic and tells Cena that Alex Riley is about to drive the ring steps into Cena’s ribs. It hurts even more when you know its coming. Cena refuses to give up, even when he’s taking a beating from a kendo stick. Cena says Miz “hits like a girl”. This is one fucked up beating. Riley is holding John’s arms and he takes every shot from the stick full force. Miz climbs the rank of all time great villains with his lack of compassion in every action. The beating continues to the stage and even after taking a running knee from Miz and falling off the ramp, Cena still refuses to quit. Miz grabs a leather strap while Riley holds John over a camera crane. Cena’s back gets worked over by the strap just as bad as his abdominals got from the stick. The crowd just wants the match to end. Its like watching The Passion of the Christ in a crowded theater. Josh Matthews calls that the arena has an air of uncomfortability. Not a word, but he’s absolutely right. Cena keeps trying for a comeback but between having two opponents and already taking a beating for nearly half an hour, he cant fight back for long. Miz hits the skull crushing finale into a chair that was propped up on the ring ropes. Everyone flinches from this. The crowd jerks back like they’re watching Morpheus driven into the toilet bowl. Miz gets the crowds’ opinion and says its all their fault that John wont quit. Oh, I wish they had found some crying fan and not some smart ass toddler. Even the announcers are wrapped up in this beating. I’ve never seen three announcers at a table say so little. The heels trap Cena inside the retaining wall and John eats an unprotected chair shot. Damn. When the move isn’t performed any more (well, rarely) it has so much more meaning.
Everyone hears Cena scream I Quit. The referee calls for the bell, Miz’s music plays and it looks like there’s a new champion. Until the referee finds a mini tape recorder laying on the floor. My bad, its Riley’s cell phone. Somewhere online he found a John Cena I Quit ringtone and played that nearly fooling everyone. The referee restarts the match and all of this confusion has given Cena enough time to recover. Cena takes off his own belt with it and whips Miz with it. Miz gets trapped in an STF and near immediately quits.
That was a half hour brutal beating and an amazing story, ruined in five minutes by Cena’s super soldier serum induced comeback.