Smarked for Death – WWE Smackdown 5/20/11.

The show that features better in ring action because its taped so they cant rely on shocking storylines begins!

Tonight Smackdown takes place from Corpus Christian, Texas as Captain Charisma comes to the ring to a tremendous ovation.

Christian vs. Sheamus

To show the difference between Raw and Smackdown, when did you see the two competitors for the PPV main event in a hard hitting match just days before?  On Raw its usually a tag team match but Christian is going full force in this tune up match.  After some back and forth Christian attempts a spear but Sheamus catches him on the way in.  Sheamus teases a suplex onto the ring floor but the Leader of the Peeps (vroom vroom) fights out.  Its a fate that is only held off temporarily as Sheamus eventually knocks Christian to the floor and the number one contender looks to be in danger.  The Celtic Warrior is bigger, stronger and getting to be one of the best brawlers in all of wrestling.  The only thing Christian has is volumes more in ring experience.  Christian clapping to rally the fans usually seems hokey.  But he sneaks it in so well.  As he crawls to the corner he does it in tempo, bringing the fans alive to support their choice for champion.  Sheamus starts to become too much for Christian.  His power is extraordinary and the Instant Classic looks to be having trouble.  The Pale Rider has an answer for every move Christian attempts.  Nothing that the kazoo conquistador comes up with is enough to stall the Irish giant.  All of the fans are starting to think that Christian will continue to get screwed over and Sheamus will win this match, placing himself in the World title picture.  But the man that can never be counted down, Christian comes back with the Killswitch.  Christian picks up the pin and shows more meaning to a phrase than his puffy contemporary ever gave it.  Christian will not die.

Mark Henry runs down to the ring and the opposite sides of the dairy spectrum, chocolate and skim milk, assault their common foe.  Randy Orton takes his sweet time coming down to the ring to bail out his fellow good guy.

The Over the Limit card is run down, including the addition of a Divas title match.  Brie and Nikki then cut a promo about the PPV and the match that will take place… after the break.  (See, that builds crowd suspense.  WWE must have learned it from every single reality show.)

Brie Bella (Divas champion, with Nikki Bella) vs. Natalya

When are the Bellas going to start defending this title under the Freebird rule?  Natalya’s music is too good to not be used for a faction.  A new Hart Foundation should have been a money idea.  Maybe in a couple years after all the members mature.  There shouldn’t be any competition here, based off of talent level.  Its like watching a PhD against a kindergartner on Jeopardy.  I just now noticed that Nunzio/Little Guido is the referee.  Kudos on your new career sir.  Natalya is so fluid in the ring and its a waste of her talents to have to put over a Bella.  Which is what she just did after getting caught in, well whatever the hell she calls the finishing move.  A face jammer I guess.

Ezekiel Jackson cuts a promo about guarding the dimensional portal to Asgard.  My apologies, he just talks about facing Wade Barrett at the pay per view.  The more Zeke talks the more some hint of an accent slips out.  The rest of the Corre comes out to answer Jackson’s accusations.  The mac militant playa comes out to stop a fight and start a match.  I wonder if Teddy Long has any experience in hockey?

Ezekiel Jackson with the Big Show and Kane (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. The Corre

Kane and Show smack around the Corre like schoolyard bullies with thyroid problems.  It leads up to Wade and Zeke finally going toe to toe.  Jackson powers Wade out of the ring and the Corre bails to the outside to regroup.  Josh Matthews asks if there is any stopping this massive threesome?!  I know how to usually tell when a threesome has ended but maybe saying less is the best course of action here.  Oh look, we’re back from commercial.  Justin Gabriel is regretting climbing the magic bean stalk because all he’s finding are giant beatings.  The Corre tries to use quick tags to their advantage but nearly 3/4 of a ton on the other side of the ring doesn’t agree with their battle plan.  Eventually the Corre gets their dastardly plan together and knocks Kane to the outside of the ring.  Kane comes up for the worse and Corre works over Kane.  That’s right.  In a team full of giants, Kane is the smaller man who must be worked over to set up the hot tag.  Kane punches Heath Slater so hard he’s seeing Big Bacon Classics swirl past his eyes.  Kane dives for the hot tag and the scribe of the Book of Ezekiel receives it.  Zeke keeps picking up Gabriel and slamming him like he’s going for a world record.  Show and Kane hold off Wade and Heath.  One more body slam for good measure and Ezekiel decides it is now time to end this chapter.  Zeke brings back the torture rack in a way that drives fear into the hearts of men.  The team of giants gets the win after Gabriel submits to the pain.

Matt Striker (hey, he does exist!) interviews Christian.

Chavo Guerrero comes out to cut a promo on Sin Cara and challenge him to a match.  Chavo is a fantastic wrestler but this promo shows why he has never reached the same level that Eddie did.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Daniel Bryan

This match is a 5 minute challenge.  Nothing against Chavo, but if he does win this match in 5 minutes its a step backwards for Bryan.  This match is like a thirty minute indy classic sped up into the five minute time constraint.  Bryan almost locks on an inescapable Lobell lock  but Chavo gets to the ropes to break the hold.  With under a minute left Chavo starts to get desperate and tries any chance he has for a pin.  With under thirty seconds he goes for the Three Amigos suplex and a frogsplash off the top.  Its still not enough, as Bryan kicks out at two.  The timer expires and Chavo has failed to meet his own expectations.  Guerrero smacks Daniel around for a few until my screen goes blue.  No, my bad, that’s Sin Cara in an all blue suit wearing an even more glaring blue t-shirt over it.  Sin Cara flips and flops Chavo out of the ring and I have a sneaking suspicion this feud isn’t over yet.

Whose music is that?  Oh, its Ted DiBiase!  Its been so long since his ring entrance has actually been on TV I thought he was theme-less.  Ted comes out with Cody Rhodes and the bag handlers.  Well, if Ted cant get over on his own may as well latch him onto his former tag team partner and WWE’s preeminent super villain.  Cody says one of the bags is for Ted himself.  I hear that’s how Maryse used to do it too.  Ted puts the bag on with no argument.  Has Ted Jr become Virgil Jr?  Ted says his name is “Corpus Christi”.  Alright, this is better for Ted now that its an elaborate joke and heel heat generator.

Ted DiBiase vs. Trent Barretta

I’m still not sure that Ted isn’t getting shit on here.  Be that as it may, there’s no doubt that Ted comes out more aggressive than he’s been in months.  In a match that most would think should be an easy win for Ted, Trent brings some competition.  Its not nearly enough though as Ted his Dream Street for the pin.  This is a meaner and more focused DiBiase than has been seen in years if not ever.  Ted puts a bag over Trent’s head to cement the victory.  Still not convinced that Ted isn’t in danger of becoming Virgil here.

The Great Khali vs. Jey Uso

This is a nothing match until Khali’s countryman (whose name I have not yet seen on screen and thus I have no idea how to spell) comes down to give Khali a talking to.  New guy slaps Khali again.  Khali is nearly counted out of the match but gets back in to chop and squeeze the Uso down.  Khali destroys Jey in two moves and gets the pin that he, sadly, may not have if not for the pep talk he received.  Khali decides to give Jimmy Uso his brother’s hand me downs!  Get it!  Because Khali’s hand goes down for the chop.  Screw you, I thought it was hilarious.

Randy Orton says things, because Christian did earlier and there’s some sort of equal time thing going on.

Randy Orton (World champion) vs. Mark Henry

Is there any other wrestler in history who has a worse win loss record against main event level talent yet is still seem as a viable threat every time he steps into the ring?  Mark Henry is covered in a threatening aura like its a thin foil.  Orton hits some nice moves full of technique and dissection.  Mark hits moves full of anger and power.  Mark has also finally learned how to work over a body part and make it look like a finishing move thanks to his freakish power.   Henry avoids the RKO due to his “veteran status”.  I think that’s the only time he’s been described with those words.  Sheamus comes out to double team Orton, meaning Henry doesn’t suffer a pinfall loss in career momentum.  Wait, does that mean that Mark Henry is higher up the ladder than Sheamus now?  That’s unexpected.  Christian follows Randy’s lead and takes his sweet time entering the ring for the save.  He eventually makes his way in to break up the beating and Orton is not pleased.  Sheamus and Mark Henry re-enter the ring to attack the faces.  Orton finally gives the fans what they want and hits an RKO on the massive Mark Henry.  Orton celebrates like any other bad guy turned good would, with a full middle of the air cheerleader split.

I now want Randy Orton to lose the title.  Badly.  Very Much.

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