You got your Tough Enough in my Raw! Lets fast forward the tape to things we didn’t just watch moments ago.
R-Truth comes out dressed like a Confederate soldier. Mr McMahon and Stone Cold are still in the ring, and Truth starts playing the happy black from a century ago who does anything his white masters ask of him. I cant decide if this is brilliant or wrong. Words words and more words. The Miz comes out and, duh, he wants a title shot. Luke from Tough Enough comes back out. Oh, my bad, its Alex Riley. He wants to beat Miz up some more. John Cena comes out. He just wants someone to make a damn match so he can at least begin to plan his night. A tag team match is finally made in the amount of time it takes to watch your average sitcom.
Santino Marella (with Vladimir Kozlov) vs. Michael McGillicutty (1/2 WWE Tag Team champions, with David Otunga)
The man who should be Hennig doesn’t even get ring music or an entrance. Welcome to the forgotten champions list Mike. Santino powers, I guess, McG out of the ring and then the cobra commander channels his inner Ultimate Warrior for the crowd’s delight. The crowd has no interest in this match, and slowing it down with headlocks does nothing to get the WWE Universe on their feet. Santino starts a chain of moves leading up to the Cobra but Otunga pulls Mike out before the match can be finished. Even with the assistance, Santino avoids McG’s running knee and one cobra strike later, Marella wins the match.
Beth Phoenix and Kelly Kelly vs. The Bella Twins (and one of them is Divas champion)
I’m all about respecting the wrestlers. Most of the time, anything I complain about here is the fault of the writers and not the wrestlers. However, I suddenly want Cole to start interrupting matches yet again. This is painful. Ms Tessmacher of TNA and her few months of in ring experience is already better than 3 of the 4 women in this match. Beth hits a Glam Slam on one of the Bellas. The one that just got her face planted in the canvas. That one.
In the back, Booker T coaches Trish on how to do the Spinarooni. Jack Swagger shows up uninvited and cocky and now he has a match tonight for his troubles.
CM Punk (with Mason Ryan) is announced to face Rey Mysterio tonight. But Punk comes out, sits on the ramp, and starts talking. I’m guessing this match wont be taking place now. Or maybe it will and this is just being stretched out for TV time.
CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio
These two always have my favorite matches any time they lock up. Punk has a gift for making Rey look a foot taller. Not once in this match does Rey look to be the dramatic underdog. It is simply a match between two great wrestlers. Matches like this give the internet evidence that Punk will be leaving WWE soon. There’s no good reason that these two stars should be without any story or character momentum. Mysterio’s tights pay tribute to the classic Frank Gorshin starring episode of Star Trek. Rey and Punk take a rest hold break and read the crowd. Punk slides Rey into the ring post and begins to stalk. Any time Mysterio starts a comeback Punk stops it with force. Rey knocks CM Punk off the ropes and comes flying off to keep the Straight Edge Superstar down. It looks like Rey has the match won but Punk catches Rey with a powerslam and this match is back to even. Rey tries for a 619 but Mason Ryan gets in the way. Mysterio spins and takes out both men, then goes to the top for a splash and the pin.
Alberto Del Rio comes out to mock the Big Show’s injury. ADR brings out Ricardo Rodriguez dressed as Show to step up the mockery. Not a great angle at all.
Kofi Kingston (US champion) vs. Zack Ryder
Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero join the announce table for this match. Zack gets a match on Raw! He was nice enough to tweet his fans that the Internet championship will not be on the line in this match. Zack dives under Kofi and Kofi tries to land on the ropes but slips. Ryder takes control of the match and has an impressive showing against a guy that’s much higher up the WWE food chain. Kofi sets up one attempt to finish the match, but Zack escapes. Ryder doesn’t avoid the second one though and Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise for the pin.
Jack Swagger vs. Booker T
Even though its the barely pushed Swagger, and this match had little advanced build up, its still a more important match than any Booker T had In TNA. Jack might learn more from this match than anything else in the last year. Booker is letting Swagger get in plenty of offense, but Book is definitely the one controlling the pace of the match. The axe kick misses, but a second kick by Booker sends Swagger out of the ring. Jack purposely takes the count out loss so he’s not embarrassed any further by the old man. Evan Bourne runs out and hits Swagger from behind. Jack chases Evan into the ring where an axe kick is waiting for him. Evan gives Jack an Air Bourne for good measure. Bourne and Booker celebrate in the ring with double spinaroonies.
The Miz and R-Truth vs. Alex Riley and John Cena (WWE Champion) with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the special guest referee.
To the shock of no one who has watched wrestling for longer than one month, all four of these men are involved in matches at the upcoming PPV. Stone Cold does his usual don’t fuck with me antics. Riley wrestles appropriately. Not well enough to outshine the main event guys, but good enough to look like he can pull off an upset victory against Miz. Truth and Miz work over Riley for a while until Alex meets Truth’s top rope attempt with a pair of feet to the chin. A-Ri gets the hot tag and Cena takes over. John knocks Truth out of the ring and locks Miz into an STF. Miz barely makes it to the ropes to break the hold. Truth comes back in the ring with a chair but Cena meets him with.. a dropkick?! John Cena hits a perfectly placed dropkick into a chair that drives it into R-Truth’s face. Alex comes in with a briefcase, and teases a heel set up until he hits Miz with the case. Stone Cold hits Miz with a stunner and Cena adds an Attitude Adjustment for effect. Cena pins the Miz then celebrates with Stone Cold and some beers. Alex gets a beer tossed to him as he walks away. Get your non main event ass out of the ring now Alex.
The anonymous GM sends an e-mail changing the results of the match because of Stone Cold’s blatant interference. Just when Austin is about to get pissed off over this, he also e-mails the announcement that Steve Austin is in charge of Raw next week. Austin punches Michael Cole, dumps beer on him, and hits a Stunner for the hell of it. John Cena joins in on the fun and drops Cole with an Attitude Adjustment. Oh, how I hope this means the end of Michael Cole on WWE television. Stone Cold wants to see Michael Cole, first thing next week. My dream might come true!