Smarked for Death – Impact Wrestling 6/9/11.

Alright, so the show is called Impact Wrestling but the PPVs are still under the TNA name.  Its the show that brings confusion to the marketplace, its Total Impact Action Wrestling!


Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out to gloat over Mick Foley getting fired on last week’s episode.  This makes sense, because lots of business executives gloat when people start to abandon the product.  According to Eric though, it doesn’t matter what 10 percent of the viewers think (us smart fans) so it probably doesn’t matter what one tenth of your talent thinks.  Bischoff claims that they will agree to some of the things the Network, and in turn the formerly employed Mick Foley, wanted.  These things include the name change to Impact Wrestling and putting an emphasis back on the X Division.  Hulk and Eric start to act as hype men for each other.  Eric calls out Sting and Mr Anderson because there’s a PPV coming up that needs to be promoted.

Hogan and Eric talk about the main event like they are now good guys who only want what’s best for the company.  If this attitude lasts the entire episode I’ll be shocked.  Mr Anderson lets all of his natural asshole self fly (that ended up being a disturbing image).  Sting responds with the usual rhetoric.  Also, he says that because he is the TNA champion that means he has the power to fend off Eric and Hulk.  I was not aware that winning the world title also comes with booking privileges.

Winter and Angelina Love vs. Mickie James (Knockouts champion) and Tara

Its like a pants vs skins match here.  Its also a very well wrestled tag team match.  Not only are there four great women wrestlers in the ring, but they’re all acting too.  I said months ago that Ken Anderson is one of the few wrestlers who never forgets he’s in front of a crowd and on TV.  These women are exactly like that as well.  There’s never any way to know ahead of time when a fan will look your way or when the camera will focus on you.  Whether its Winter controlling Angelina’s actions or Tara giving the fans a look, there are a lot of little touches throughout.  Mickie gets stuck between the two heels but hits a neckbreaker on one and a dropkick on the other at the same time.  Great move.  James wants to make the hot tag but Madison Rayne pulls Tara out of the ring.  Angelina hits some disturbing spine breaker move, dropping Mickie across her knees for the pin.  Angelina Love chokes out Mickie after the match and its a great set up to their upcoming title match.

Robert Roode gives a pep talk to James Storm and Alex Shelly.  Mexican America cuts a promo.  Samoa Joe attacks Crimson at some sports bar.  I’ll give credit where its due, this is a bad ass brawl.  Chaotic, violent, and most of all it looks real.  The patrons appear shocked and the camera quality is equivalent to a cell phone.  Well done.

Magnus joins the announce table for the match.  His tag team partner, Douglas Williams, stands next to him.  If he’s lucky, maybe TNA can dig up an extra headset.

Mexican America (with Sarita and Rosita) vs. Alex Shelly and James Storm (TNA world tag team champions, with Robert Roode)

To remind you all, Roode is injured so Shelly is defending one of the TNA tag belts for him.  I smell a problem when Roode is healed.  The Mexican flag hangs over the arena, blocking the vision of a good third of the crowd.  There’s a difference between getting heel heat and just flat out pissing off your fans.  Storm and Shelly hit a lot of their signature moves, but with twists brought about by their new partners.  Hernandez commits to a dive off the top rope, and even though it hurts when he misses, its small compared to the fall his career has taken.  Seriously, why has this man not been given a deserving main event push by now?  I’d throw the belt on him and court the shit out of my Latino audience.  The ladies distract the referee, so Storm spits beer in their faces.  Shelly goes for a super kick on not-Homicide.  He ducks and of course Alex hits James by mistake.  James takes the pin and the mash up team takes the loss.

Gunner and Mr Anderson have a little gab fest.  Then a whole lot of other talking and hype segments.  Skipping ahead…

Oh good, Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle talk some more.  There’s a match at the pay per view, stuff about  Karen, we’re both awesome.  Usual shit with these two in the feud that never ends.  Yes it goes on and on my friends.

Bully Ray comes out and issues an open challenge.  After a bit more talking (where microphones matter!), the challenge is accepted.

Bully Ray vs. Rob Van Dam

In less than a minute I’ve seen two replays of the previous moves.  And they weren’t that impressive.  Match feels really really slow.  Ray controls most of the match.  AJ Styles comes out to watch.  RVD needs the distraction that AJ provides before he can get anything going in the match.  A kick and a Five Star Frog Splash later, Van Dam gets the pin.

Velvet Sky vs. ODB

Velvet jumps the gun and jumps ODB on the entrance ramp.  The two Knockouts bruise and break each other across the Impact Zone.  ODB is just meaner than Sky can be, and Velvet gets beaten down like she tried to steal the trailer queen’s man.  No wrestling at all in this match, but its so violent and (for lack of a better word) passionate that it doesn’t matter.  Great brawl and as good a story as one can do within such a match.  ODB argues with the ref and the only thing it accomplishes is giving Velvet time to recover. Sky starts to bring the match back to her favor, but her high risk doesn’t pay off.  Velvet jumps off the ring steps and gets caught by ODB, who then runs Sky into the ring post.  Sky gets beat up in the ring some more, and its looking bad.  Just when all hope is lost for Velvet, she lures ODB into a monologue.  ODB reveals her inner plans, to kick Velvet’s ass, and Sky decides actions speak louder than words.  She catches ODB with a DDT for the pin.

Mr Anderson and Gunner vs. Eric Young (TV champion) and Sting (World champion)

Who the fuck is that big a fan of Gunner?  There is no reason why he should be in the ring with Sting.  Hell, he should barely be in there with Eric Young.  Anderson’s tights are dangerously close to being too small.  He might just show what he’s Green Bay packing.  Packing!   I’m going to try to force myself to become a fan of Gunner.  There’s a project for tomorrow.  Sting sells a beating well.  Anderson looks like the cocky asshole every moment he’s out there.  Young can do fucking whatever he wants and it works with his crazy character.  He’s like the Tracy Morgan of TNA, but without all the hate.  Young takes too long to celebrate, Gunner pushes him into Sting.  This counts as a tag and Gunner takes advantage of the chaos.  Gunner hits some nasty looking finisher and then pins Sting.

I’m as stunned by this victory as the announcers are pretending to be.

The ReAction portion of the show airs.  Nothing great at all until Sting beats the hell out of Mr Anderson.  Nice set up for Sunday.

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