Its a three hour All Star Raw! Lets see how many are stars and how many are mere planets.
Raw is live from Long Island tonight and that must mean an appearance from the Long Island Iced Z himself right? Right?
The Miz starts off the show and says that he will get revenge on Alex Riley. But first he’s going to call out Stone Cold Steve Austin. The glass shatters and tonight’s very special general manager of Raw comes down to the ring. Stone Cold gives respect to Miz but verbally hands Miz his ass at the same time. Its the skill that only old school wrestlers have. Austin is building up the Miz while simultaneously owning him. Stone Cold announces a very special Piper’s Pit for tonight. Austin gives Miz the opportunity to leave. It could have failed, but Miz doesn’t look weak at all by walking away. It doesn’t come across like Miz doesn’t think he can beat Austin, but more like tonight is not the time. As Miz leaves, Alberto Del Rio comes out. ADR wants Stone Cold to pass the torch to him. For some reason I don’t see that happening. Stone Cold says he smells an ass whooping and its time for the Big Show’s former tag team partner to get some revenge for his buddy.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Kane
Del Rio cant battle Kane’s strength so he switches tactics to out maneuver the monster. Del Rio gets Kane locked in the arm bar and the big red machine’s height works to his advantage as he easily makes his way to the ropes. Alberto refuses to release the hold though and gets disqualified, but it doesn’t matter to him as long as he does damage to Kane. Big Show comes out to attack Del Rio and Alberto runs away faster than the Flash. Big Show turns his attention onto Ricardo Rodriguez and damn near kills the personal ring announcer. Kane has to choke Show out to get him to stop the beating. Austin remembers there’s a pay per view coming up in less than a week and makes the revenge match.
Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase vs. Daniel Bryan, Ezekiel Jackson and Sin Cara
Michael Cole has to explain to Jerry Lawler the current Smackdown story lines. I realize the benefit this has for the Raw viewers, but there must be another way of doing it than implying Lawler couldn’t give a shit about the guys on the other show. The match is lit up in the dark blue and yellow tones that have become Sin Cara’s signature. They’ve also become difficult to watch. He’s not even in the ring! Its a showcase for the blue team. Zeke shows off his new body slams and torture rack moves. Zeke press slams Bryan onto Priceless. Jackson tags in Sin Cara who hits a high cross body on Wade for the pin. Granted, Ezekiel did all the work, but does Sin Cara have a valid argument now to be thrown into the Intercontinental title match? We’ll see if this is ignored on Smackdown or not.
Raw comes back from commercial and Hornswoggle is in the ring firing off the t-shirt gun. R-Truth comes out, oh no he’s going to beat up Little Horny! Wait, that didn’t come out right at all. Truth says his usual rabble and Hornswoggle tries to escape by firing the t-shirt gun at Truth. This plan does not work and the munchkin gets a kick to the head for his troubles. I’d stay under the ring next time. Stone Cold appears on the TitanTron and makes a match with… the returning John Morrison! Holy crap that was some fast surgery. R-Truth kicks Hornswoggle some more on the way out.
Santino Marella vs. Sheamus
In a match that would usually have been very fun, the wrestlers are overshadowed. By the fans. The fans start to chant “We want Ryder” and its impossible to pay attention to anything else. Which is a damn shame because Sheamus debuts a new finisher. It needs to be called The 4 Leaf Clover, because it is a modified Texas Cloverleaf hold. Sheamus gets the win.
Randy Orton comes out and cuts a promo on Christian, eventually calling him out. Christian, in a brand new ridiculous yet awesome t-shirt you can order online, refuses to come out because he knows its just a set up. Orton gets under Christian’s skin when he says that Edge can carry Christian to the ring, just like he always has. Oh, that was low. Christian walks out but has second if not third thoughts about it. Security keeps the two men apart and the anonymous Raw GM says that Orton may have a slight concussion and cannot wrestle until Sunday. To protect him from himself, Randy will be stripped of the world title if he tries to fight anyone. But that doesn’t mean Christian cant have a match. Stone Cold (you know, the actual GM for the evening) makes a match.
Christian vs. Rey Mysterio
Booker T comes out to help the announcers for this match. I bet someone will be beat so bad they say, Daddy I don’t want none. Christian takes a nasty fall into the bottom rope and he’s lucky to still have his ear. Its a very different match than usual from Christian because for one of the rare few times, he isn’t the smallest guy in the ring. Back from commercial, and Christian wont take Rey out of the ropes, thus he gets disqualified. What the hell? Rey fights back and is about to come off the top onto Christian when CM Punk runs out. Rey jumps off the top rope onto Punk. Christian tries to hit the Killswitch but Rey fights out. Rey goes for the 619 on Christian but by now the rest of the Nexus is out there. Mason Ryan bangs Mysterio against various metal objects at ringside and then throws the carcass into the ring for Christian to pick at it. Christian picks up Rey’s limp body and hits the Killswitch, just to confirm the heel turn for the Raw fans.
Vickie Guerrero interrupts Stone Cold and wants Dolph Ziggler to get a US title match at the PPV. Austin says he’ll give Dolph the shot, but only if he drops Vickie as his manager. Stone Cold gives Dolph a pep talk about making sacrifices to get to the top. Dolph agrees to dump the cougar and Vickie flips out. Stone Cold gets the best of both of them when he says he already made the match earlier today and just wanted to mess with their heads. That was a nice little segment.
R-Truth vs. John Morrison
So help me if this match ends with a disqualification as well. Truth is in the title match in 6 days and there should be no other outcome for this match other than a pinfall victory to gain momentum. Morrison’s music plays but no one comes out. This is fast becoming one of the worst wrestling episodes of Raw ever. Truth calls the big screen the “Triton”. The big screen is also the Greek god of the sea. Truth finds John Morrison knocked out in the back. I’m guessing the neck hasn’t fully healed yet. Truth runs one of the equipment carts into Morrison. Well, it does help build up the PPV I guess.
Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero) and Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston (US Champion)
After the previous matches this evening, I’m not expecting a whole lot from this one. Everyone gets some ring time and its pretty good but definitely rushed. The referee tries to get Dolph to the outside and block him from interfering. Kofi takes advantage and sneak attacks Swagger with the Trouble in Paradise. Evan pairs it with an Air Bourne for the pin.
Piper’s Pit with Rowdy Roddy Piper, The Miz and Alex Riley
Piper comes out first to a great cheer from the fans. Miz is next, and instantly disrespectful too. Miz says he doesn’t want to be the next Roddy Piper. Piper says there will never be another Piper. Miz and Roddy trade some amazing jabs at each other. Miz may have jumped to the number one promo guy in wrestling tonight. Alex Riley comes out to a huge pop and chants from the crowd. Piper gives the older fans a little something while putting over Miz and Riley. A-Ri says that Piper can beat Miz right now. I’m a huge Piper fan but those metal hips aren’t defeating anyone. Also, when did Hot Rod start looking like Michael J Fox? Miz bets a grand he’ll win, Piper ups it to 5 grand. Stone Cold makes it official and adds the twist that Riley will be the referee!
The upcoming match is previewed with the new WWE All Stars game. Off topic, this game is ridiculous and totally over the top. Which means its a fucking awesome wrestling game.
The Miz vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Winner gets $5,000. Alex Riley is the special guest referee.
Piper gets an eye poke and a sleeper hold in the first minute of the match. Miz fights back until Riley pulls him off of the Legend. Miz and Riley come to blows and it ends with Alex knocking Miz down and Piper sneaking in a roll up to get the victory.
Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, Natalya, Beth Phoenix, Eve Torres, AJ, and Kaitlyn vs. Melina, Alicia Fox, Tamina, Maryse, Brie Bella (Divas champion), Nikki Bella, and Rosa Mendes
Way way too many women in this match. Half of which have no storyline and no connection with the audience. Kelly and Rosa start it off for a only a minute and that’s all it takes before all the Divas get involved in a ring apron clearing brawl. Kelly gets a kick on Rosa and the pin. This was a pathetic match. Eve announces a WWE Diva tribute to Broadway. The Divas do a kick line. Because the Rockettes are the same as plays and musicals. This is the worst thing to happen to Broadway since Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark. There’s a joke somewhere in there comparing falling Spider-Men and Blue Blazers. (This may be one of the worst things I’ve ever written.)
Stone Cold has a beer with the new Tough Enough champion, Andy. CM Punk shows up and Stone Cold offers him a beer. Punk flips the script and pulls the “What?” card on Austin. How is WWE passing on CM Punk?! He just held his own against one of the greatest talkers of all time! In a not-too-likely future best of CM Punk DVD release, this needs to be a bonus.
Stone Cold rides out to the arena on his signature ATV. Austin gets interrupted by the GM, who says Stone Cold did a good job of filling in tonight. Wait, the GM already made one announcement tonight. Also, as he only communicates via e-mail why the fuck would anyone have to fill in for him?! He can do this job from home! Does no one in WWE understand how e-mail works? Stone Cold announces a viewers choice edition of Raw next week, which the GM agrees to. The GM sound keeps going off, so Stone Cold steals the laptop, dumps beer on it and then drives the ATV over it. Does anyone realize that this doesn’t mean the death of the anonymous GM? That he can just use another computer? In fact, he could use ANY computer?! This should have been a fun segment, but it just smacks of ignorance.
CM Punk vs. John Cena (WWE Champion)
Crowd is chanting CM Punk’s name. Real smart wrestling crowd tonight. The kids start to rally, and dueling chants begin. I apologize for getting a little lost in this match, but it is a fantastic wrestling match. If the WWE logic was to have shitty matches all night so that this one would stand out even more, then Kudos. This should be a PPV main event. Punk channels his inner Macho Man and drops an elbow sledge from the top rope down to the arena floor. CM Punk wears Cena down and John has to use every ounce of the super soldier serum to fight his way back up. The match becomes a stalemate and Punk is lucky that Cena overshoots a shoulder tackle and falls out of the ring. Punk is willing to win by count out, but John beats the count. Punk controls the match for a few more minutes until John Cena begins his Superman comeback. The comeback is brought to a dead stop, not from Punk or even Nexus, but from R-Truth. Cena is distracted by Truth threatening a kid wearing John Cena gear and CM Punk takes advantage, hitting the Go To Sleep for the pin. Fuck yeah!
R-Truth comes in the ring and smashes a water bottle over Cena’s head. One Lie Detector later and R-Truth is looking like a strong challenger for the WWE title. The same title that he steals, and leaves with.
Main event aside, it was a terrible night for in ring wrestling. However, the show set up the pay per view to be a must buy.