Smarked for Death – WWE Capitol Punishment 2011.

Live from the nation’s capital comes… a whole lot of ass beatings?  We can only hope.


Kofi Kingston (US champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero)

The set for tonight’s event looks amazing and even though this is a cheap gimmick for a pay per view, I’m already sold and I’d love to see it again.  Both men get warmed up but not at the same speed.  A couple of moves look off and the two Superstars aren’t on the same page yet.  Dolph hits an axe kick to put Kofi down long enough for both of them to reset. Its a wise decision because the match clicks after that.  Ziggler has a near perfect dropkick and it cracks every time it hits.  Dolph starts to wear Kingston down and the audience can sense the comeback potential as they start a “Kofi” chant.  Dolph commits to a move too early and hits his head on the post.  Kingston proves to be too fast and hits Ziggler from angles that Dolph didn’t even know existed.  Dolph ducks Trouble in Paradise, then misses a clothesline, but Kofi doesn’t miss the SOS flip.  Somehow, Zigs kicks out of the move and Kofi doesn’t know where to go next.  Kingston stops a Zig Zag attempt and then hits Dolph with a standing stomp.  Yes, these two have fought an obscene amount of times already this year.  But the benefit to that is that they no know each other so well to set up this great match.  Dolph jumps up to catch a diving Kofi and their combined work results in a devastating looking cross body.  Kingston tries for an SOS but Dolph spins it into a sleeper.  Kofi uses the turnbuckle to aid in his escape.  Vickie scratches Kofi’s eyes and Dolph leaps on Kingston’s back then locks on the sleeper.  Zigs rolls Kofi away from the ropes and when the referee calls for the bell the entire crowd is confused.  Did the referee see Vickie’s interference and is disqualifying Ziggy?  No!  Dolph Ziggler is your new United States champion!  Great match and a great way to start the show.

Did I accidently order a WCW show, because a limo just pulled up.  R-Truth gets out with his water and the stolen WWE title.  Eve Torres says she doesn’t even know who Truth is anymore.  Which is fine, because no one knows who Eve is anymore.

Toddy G interviews the Miz.  Its all about briefcases and bodyslams.

The Miz vs. Alex Riley

The Miz is out first, which seems strange for the former WWE champion.  Alex Riley gets an insane reaction.  What is it with this guy?  That might be my next article for ThePowerBomb.  Miz gets in Riley’s face, the two give chase, and Miz puts up a big boot to give Alex a taste.  Yes, I am proud of what I wrote.  The Miz is in control of this match and gives A-Ri a good beating.  And as well he should be.  The Miz is now a veteran and has been collecting title reigns like New York state is about to collect gay marriages.  See, I can randomly drop current events into my commentary just like a WWE announcer.  Riley is getting destroyed, but to that fine fine limit.  Thus far nothing has looked like a move that would keep a man down for a week.  Everything has looked painful, and a lesser man would have given in.  But a driven man like Alex might be able to suffer through this until ego and adrenaline bring him back.  Miz locks on a sleeper hold (which is poor booking one match after a man who uses it as a finisher).  Riley wont stay down, but its alright because Miz enjoys toying with his prey.  Miz hits the corner clothesline, comes off the top with a sledge. and Alex still kicks out.  Miz misses a kick into the corner and its the Miz-take Alex was waiting for.  Riley builds up momentum and … is he channeling Sting?  Alex takes a beating, fights back, psyches up himself and the crowd while making his comeback.  I might be on to something here.  Michael Cole starts to berate Riley for turning his back on his “father figure”.  Really?  Was the term older brother out of stock?  Miz tries to use the briefcase but its turned around on him and paired with a jumping DDT for A-Ri to pick up the victory.

Sgt. Slaughter enjoys talking with “President Obama”.  Vickie Guerrero interrupts and I cant help but think of Monica Lewinsky jokes.

The Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rio

Del Rio is making his entrance and the Big Show attacks him from behind.  Just when I was thinking I’m not sure that I care about this match they start it off fast and violent.  Yeah, I used fast to describe Big Show.  That’s how shocking this match is.  Speaking of shocking, Mark Henry has just come out of no where and started attacking the Big Show!  Mark Henry just picked up Show with fucking ease.  Held him.  Lifted Show up even higher!  Then slammed Big Show through the announce table!  As if that’s not enough, Henry comes back and rams Show’s knee into the remnants of the table.  Holy shit that’s insane.  That just now is the strongest Mark Henry has ever looked.  Start the push now!  Michael Cole goes and ruins it all when he says that we’ve never seen Show screaming in pain before.  You know, except for a couple weeks ago when he was hit by a car.  Stupid Cole!

Del Rio insists on the referee counting out the Big Show.  Somehow Show climbs his way into the ring and the match officially starts.  Show hobbles around on one leg, but with a leg that big he can still get things done.  ADR focuses his attack on Show’s knee and tries to overwhelm the giant to keep him down.  Show is just too strong and he choke slams Del Rio.  Alberto rolls outside the ring and Show’s knee gives out again.  The match continues.  Show’s knee must be super human because he shouldn’t be able to comfortably bend his leg right now, let alone stand.  Del Rio kicks out the knee and then locks on his signature cross arm breaker on Big Show’s leg!  Absolutely brilliant move.  Show tries to hold on and is refusing to quit even though the leg is being ripped from the inside. Show uses his size to gain a rope break but it still takes him forever to get to his feet.  And then fall right back down.  The referee calls for the bell when Show can no longer stand on his feet.  Del Rio has slain the giant.

R-Truth has a photo shoot with Cena’s belt.  Wade Barrett is interviewed backstage but he takes the mic and walks out to the ring while cutting a promo on US fans and Ezekiel.

Wade Barrett (Intercontinental champion) vs. Ezekiel Jackson

The fans start chanting USA for the guy from South America.  Wade tries to run away from Jackson and stall the match but the clobbering blows from Zeke keep the Brit down.  Wade out thinks him and out maneuvers Ezekiel with quick shady moves.  Barrett seamlessly works two styles in this match.  First, he’s the smaller man and  hits moves quickly while also avoiding Ezekiel’s power.  Wade also is still a massive human being, and he can hit power moves against a beast like Jackson.  Barrett fights out of the attempted body slam and hits Wasteland.  Any lesser man would have lost the match but Ezekiel kicks out of the finisher.  Zeke blocks a big boot and its body slam time.  Wade goes up and down four times and if its not painful enough Ezekiel throws Wade across the airplane hangers he calls shoulders for a torture rack.  There is no where for Wade to go but to relent and hope he’s set down gently.  Barrett gives up and we have a new Intercontinental champion.

Jerry Lawler gets in the ring to get Ezekiel’s thoughts on winning the title.  I don’t remember Dolph Ziggler getting such a moment.  Someone’s getting pushed!

More WWE Superstars meet the “President”.  This isn’t even funny anymore.

Josh Matthews interviews CM Punk.  Did Punk just call Washington DC a haven for scum and villainy?  Not to be the worst kind of writer on the internet, but OMG Punk is awesome!

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk

Its so hard to write about the matches between these two.  Any time they’re in the ring together wrestling becomes magical again.  I zone out and enjoy the match, forgetting everything else around me.  Anyways.  Punk comes out by himself, because the Nexus is a gimmick that’s nearly over.  Punk and Rey jockey for control of the match.  Neither man gains an advantage because neither man makes a mistake.  Punk falls on the ropes and Rey tries a way too early 619.  CM Punk rolls out and applauds his intelligence in avoiding the finisher.  Mysterio kicks Punk off of the ring apron and the match might now turn to Rey’s favor.  Rey comes flying off the ring apron but CM Punk catches him and flips Mysterio over his head to come crashing down on the ring wall.  Its Punk’s match now he grounds the Luchadore.  Punk keeps Rey down with leg scissors and abdominal stretches.  CM Punk gets cocky, even wishing Rey a “Happy Father’s Day” (Continuity!) but this cockiness proves to be his undoing.  Rey fights back, hits an Asai moonsault and a diving headbutt to knock Punk off his plan.  Rey and Punk start to exchange kicks and pinfall attempts.  Punk follows Rey up the ropes and drops Rey down with a belly to back.  Rey’s back is in pain and Punk’s arm hasn’t been working well since it took a kick from Rey.  Punk gets knocked into the post and Rey hits a 619 around the ring post, knocking Punk to the floor.  If CM Punk wasn’t on the floor the match may have been over but Rey had to spend so much time rolling Punk back into the ring that the Straight Edge Superstar has time to recover.  Rey comes flying off the top rope but Punk gets up his knees as Mysterio comes crashing down.  Punk tries for the Go To Sleep but Rey fights out.  One spinning kick misses, but Punk hits the second and Rey still kicks out!  Punk tries for the GTS yet again, Rey fights out and goes for 619.  CM Punk stops that and swings Rey up for another GTS attempt before anyone realizes what’s going on.  Punk hits the GTS and picks up the win.

Holy shit that was a great match.

Randy Orton (World champion) vs. Christian

Randy is coming off of a concussion and there was a lot of doubt whether he would be cleared to wrestle tonight.  The match is on, but how healthy is Orton?  To start the match Randy shows off his impressive array of head locks.  Orton uses shoulder tackles a bit too much for someone who doesn’t have a well publicized football background.  Randy tries to do his trademark rope assisted DDT but modify it with the ring steps and the concrete floor.  Christian fights out and drops Orton’s head into the steel steps.  Christian takes control of the match after this move and the headlocks are put on hold.  Randy gets bounced around and at times he looks a bit concussed.  I’m starting to think that the whole concussion is a story line so the audience will be fooled into thinking Christian has a chance to win the title.  Not only every move that Christian hits hurts Orton.  But also every time Randy hits a move it jars his brain.  If he is really in that much pain and that much potential for damage, then he wouldn’t be in the ring.  Well, unless WWE is heartless.  Orton goes to his special place and tries to hit the RKO but Christian fights loose and drops Orton down for a two count.  Christian goes for the Spear, Randy hits one hell of a high leap frog to avoid it, Christian comes back with a second and successful Spear.  Both men are down for awhile.  Randy hits a perfect dropkick, Christian hits his signature rope swinging kick, and neither man gets an advantage.  Son of a bitch… there’s an RKO out of no where!  Seriously, did my screen skip ahead a couple of minutes?!  Randy picks up the pin and Christian’s descent into madness continues.  Christian claims his foot was under the ropes but I don’t see that working.  Orton doesn’t want to hear it, so he cracks the World title over Christian’s head.

The Bellas come out with Keystone Light’s mascot, Keith Stone.  What  in the fuck is the point of this?

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

When a PPV doesn’t have a Divas match, this is apparently what you put on between the two world title matches.  Two good wrestlers, not a bad match, but based on match placement alone its obvious this isn’t a match destined to mean anything.  The match is so important, that the camera shows the Bellas and Keith Stone enjoying the match.  Keith Stone is wearing an amazing Ravishing Rick Rude shirt though.  So, kudos for that.  Swagger controls the entire match.  He’s so dominant that there’s no way this match doesn’t end with a dramatic comeback.  Evan starts to fight back, but Jack is still the much stronger man.  They exchange more attempts than moves.  Swagger rolls into the ankle lock but Evan rolls out of that and rolls Jack up for a quick pin.  Fun extra match, but very out of place on the show.

Not-Obama and Booker T have a special moment.  I’m sick of all this time taken up by non wrestling segments on a PPV.  I don’t spend this money to watch people talk.

R-Truth vs. John Cena (WWE Champion)

Like the crowd has been waiting all night for this match, the chants begin.  The audience comes alive like they’re Peter Frampton.  The problem with the “let’s go Cena”/”Cena sucks” dueling chants is that not one of these chants is in support of R-Truth.  I don’t know what it is about this match but I never felt for a second that Cena would lose.  The crowd is believing it all but no matter what Truth does I can’t see him winning the belt.  Truth knocks Cena out and “could” win the match.  Cena rolls out of the ring and Truth takes advantage right!  Right?  No!  He grabs a Cena hat from some little kid and starts drinking the child’s soda.  Truth gets the drink splashed in his face and an 8 year old’s actions allow Cena to finally take down R-Truth.  Cena picks him up for the Attitude Adjustment and picks up the victory.  Wow this was disappointing.

Quite a few good matches on this card.  Unfortunately, the main event was not one of them.

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