Smarked for Death – WWE Raw 6/20/11.

Its “Power to the People” night!  Which confirms we’re not getting a Cyber Sunday PPV this year.  Lets see what pre determined outcomes WWE provides us with on tonight’s three hour episode.

 

CM Punk comes out by himself and Michael Cole teases that Punk has promised an announcement that will change the WWE Universe.  He will “do the most honest thing the WWE has ever seen”.  Jerry Lawler says he wouldn’t believe CM Punk if his tongue was notarized.  I think there are quite a few Divas and Knockouts who would say that it is.  Nooch.  Punk sits down in the ring and says the WWE Universe will not be guiding his career.  He says he’s the best wrestler in the world, and its an arguable point.  Punk announces he’s the number one contender for the WWE championship.  Wow he’s gold on the mic.  Well, the number one thing isn’t official yet but Punk wants the anonymous GM to make it official and he wants the title match in his hometown at the Money in the Bank PPV.  Punk throws out the old New Age Outlaws catchphrase and imitates Cole’s reading of the e-mails.  The GM wont grant Punk his wish and wants Punk out of the ring now.  Punk refuses and starts to make snow angels in the ring.  The GM says Punk would have been named number one but he had to get all disrespecful.  The GM makes it harder and harder for Punk and a match is made for later tonight.

The fans choose Brie Bella’s opponent: Eve, Kelly Kelly or Beth Phoenix.

Brie Bella (Divas champion, with Nikki Bella) vs. … Kelly Kelly

Michael Cole says Kelly is a former Divas champion.  Sorry but she’s never won the belt. She is actually the WWE’s longest employed wrestler to have never won a title.  Cole’s mistake is ruining what should be a dramatic moment, the potential for Kelly to win her first title.  The Bellas distract Kelly early and the number two is too many for KK to keep track of.  Even Brie’s chin locks look piss poor.  Kelly starts to fight back and its a blur of hair and fury.  Brie hits a neck breaker and it looks painful, but not because it was done correctly.  Brie gets a victory roll but Kelly rolls through it and picks up the pin and her first title.

Pick Evan Bourne’s opponent: Jack Swagger, Mason Ryan, or “Raw’s newest Superstar” Sin Cara.  They moved him back to Raw already?!

Mason Ryan wins and the fans boo.  It has come out since I originally wrote this that the WWE’s voting system failed and Sin Cara should have won this.  Anyways…

Evan Bourne vs. Mason Ryan

I don’t think there was any doubt about this match.  While Evan does do well avoiding Mason’s strength for a fair amount of time, its not enough.  Mason outpowers his much smaller opponent and picks up the win.

Mark Henry vs. Kane options are arm wrestling, body slam, or over the top rope.  Arm wrestling match wins.

Mark purposely gets disqualified and then starts to dismantle Kane.  Kane is hit with the arm wrestling table and then is put through the announcer’s table.  If possible, this is even more devastating than the Big Show’s destruction.  We are witnessing the biggest push of Mark Henry’s career and its about time all the pieces fell into place.

R-Truth talks about getting screwed over.  Apparently there is a screwed over club and they’re about to have a meeting.  Christian and The Miz both come out to debate who’s getting screwed over worse.  Teddy Long comes out and pits these three against the three men they are feuding with.

Dolph Ziggler (US Champion, with Vickie Guerrero) vs. Kofi Kingston. Options are 2 out of 3 falls, Vickie banned from ringside or a submission match.  Fans choose 2 out of 3 falls.

I don’t think anyone is giving Vickie enough credit for how hard she’s working.  Not only is she one of the greatest heels in wrestling, but she is really trying to lose weight and look better.  Good for her.  I don’t know that having a 2 out of 3 falls match is the best choice.  These matches never go only 2 falls which means we’ll see Dolph vs. Kofi 4 times in 24 hours.  Kofi commits to a dive but Dolph moves and Kingston falls to the outside.  Its time for a commercial break, so why not have the first fall that the TV audience doesn’t get to see.  Dolph sneaks behind Kofi on the outside and hits the Zig Zag. Ziggler rolls Kofi back into the ring and picks up the pin.

Kofi hits the SOS to get the second pinfall and the match is tied up.  Kofi slingshots Dolph into the ring post and it looks like there will be yet another title change tonight.  Kingston starts to build up some momentum and it stuns everyone when Ziggler kicks out at the two.   Kofi comes off the ropes and splashes Dolph’s back, but even this new move is only enough for a near fall. Ziggler rolls to the outside and tries to hit Kofi with the title.  Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise on the outside and wastes a perfect three count with the time it takes to roll Dolph back into the ring.  Ziggler manages to barely get two fingers on the ropes and breaks up the count.  Dolph escapes to the outside again and hits Kofi with the ring microphone.  Kofi gets the third fall, but he wins by disqualification.

Dolph rolls Kofi back into the ring to punish him for nearly ending his title reign after only one day.  Kofi surprises him with Trouble in Paradise and both men still look strong even in loss.

Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio.  Falls Count Anywhere match for the Number One Contender spot.

Well this could be an interesting match.  Each man looks to finish the match early but because of the triple threat rules, no one can gain an advantage.  Punk power bombs Del Rio to the outside and Rey splashes Punk into the ring barrier but neither attempt results in a three count.  Del Rio hits an arm breaker on the same arm Punk injured in last night’s PPV match.  While the announcers have yet to pick up on this, its a great small touch for the fans.  All three men go for finishers and every attempt is stopped because of the third guy in the ring.  ADR is picking up his game to hang with these two greats.  Tower of Doom spot!  Rarely seen in WWE and I cant believe the fans didn’t pop more.  Rey climbs the ropes so he can jump on Alberto, who is on the floor.  However, he forgets about Punk.  Rey fights loose, splashes Punk in the ring and then rolls through and dives out of the ring to fly into Del Rio.  Punk walks away from Rey’s splash attempt and begins to scale the ropes.  Mysterio catches him and tries for a hurracanrana which Punk stops.  Del Rio gets an arm breaker on Rey, Punk comes off the ropes onto Alberto, and this is one of the best booked triple threat matches I’ve ever seen.  Rey hits 619 on Del Rio and catches with the splash off the ropes.  Punk dives in, tosses Rey into the ring posts, and sneaks in to get the pin on Del Rio.  CM Punk is the new number one contender.

CM Punk gets on the mic after the match.  Punk announces that his WWE contract expires the night of the Money in the Bank PPV.  Not only is he leaving, but he promises to leave with the WWE championship.  Oh this could be so so good.

Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan in a choice of Paper Bag match, No Count Out match, or a Collegiate Rules match.

No Count Out match wins.  So all this means is the two guys can fight outside of the ring and not worry about being counted out.  That’s really  just a bullshit option.  There are plenty of matches that have no count outs, if the referee wants to let the guys fight.  Its so rare to really see a match end with a count out that it doesn’t even matter.  Cody goes for a small package, Daniel reverses it for the pin.  Cody tries to sneak attack Bryan but its turned into the Labell Lock.  Ted DiBiase comes out to save his disfigured boss.  The no count out stipulation is relevant to any of this how?

Vickie Guerrero in a dance contest against either Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, or Booker T.

Vickie claims to have 15 years of dance experience.  She gives a shot out quote for Sable.  What the hell?  Vickie dances, kind of, and then lays a big wet cougar kiss on Matt Striker.  The WWE Universe picks Michael Cole.  How in the hell did they not pick Booker T to come in and drop the Spinarooni?!  The fans pick Cole as the winner and Vickie slaps him on her way out.

John Cena (WWE champion), Alex Riley and Randy Orton (World champion) vs. R-Truth, The Miz and Christian

The options are:  One Fall to Finish, 20 Minute Time Limit or an Elimination match.  Two of these choices aren’t even choices.  Who the fuck would choose a time limit match?  And one fall to a finish?  Isn’t that EVERY MATCH?!  Anyways, obviously the elimination match wins.

Booker says that normally this type of match ends up bad for one side. Yes, that would be the side that loses.  (I know what he meant, but it was poorly worded.)  This might be the most former NWA champions in a WWE ring at the same time ever.  At two.  I used to think Riley was only thrown into these matches so someone could take the pin without any of the main event guys looking weak, but at least three guys need to get pinned in this match.  Booker and Lawler cant call a move correctly tonight. Riley hits a spear.  No, he hit a very fast double leg take down.  Miz hits skull crushing finale on Riley and Christian pins him.  Well, at least I was right about that one.  I have a bad feeling about this match.  I think we’re about to see three former challengers get their asses knocked all the way down the ladder.  Super Cena and Randall will be standing strong at the end of this match.  Cena picks up Miz for the AA.  Christian tries to stop it but Cena spins Miz’s feet to knock him down.  The move succeeds and the Miz is pinned.  The heels start wrestling like the Washington Generals; purposely screwing up so that the Globetrotters can have their moments to shine.  Orton side steps an axe kick attempt and hits an RKO on Truth for the pin.  Christian sneaks in and Spears Randy for the pin.  That’s the most shocking move of the night.  Orton hits an RKO on Christian while Cena and the referee discuss dinner plans.  Cena locks an STF on Christian and gets the tap out victory.  Super Cena stands supreme.

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