Smarked for Death – Impact Wrestling 7/7/11.

Will the real Hulk Hogan please stand up?  Sting Shady has got something to say.


What is considered Immortal now stands in the ring.  Consisting of Bully Ray on the mic, Scott Steiner on the chains and mail, and Gunner on TV and thankful he’s there.  The man who sold his soul for not only rock and roll, but also to become the greatest heel in TNA today, Bully Ray calls out Mr Anderson.  The TNA world champion comes out and Mike Tenay tells us that Kenny stands alone.  “Anderson is for Anderson.”  Actually Professor I believe A is for Anderson, but we’ll give you a pass.  Ray tells Anderson that if he doesn’t listen, “Gunnah” will beat him up.  Somehow, due to the absence of Hogan, Bully Ray is in charge.  There must be at least a dozen people who would be put in charge of the show before Ray.  Its like the Secretary of Education becoming President (bonus points for who ever gets the joke first).  Ray wants Anderson to join Immortal so that Immortal will have the world title in their camp.  Um, why don’t you guys get a title shot and take the belt for yourself?  I cant even begin to express how little sense this makes.  Scott Steiner says he does the screwing around here.  Well that was classy.  Gunner threatens to beat up Anderson as well.  Does anyone want a shot at this title?!  Joker Sting appears in the rafters, distracting everyone for lone enough to allow Kurt Angle to sneak in the ring and throw out some Grand Slams.  Angle tells Anderson to make the right decision.  Why is no one wanting the title?!

James Storm asks Robert Roode if his shoulder is feeling better.  Well, now that you mentioned it, its about to get a lot worse.  Seriously, Storm, did no one tell you about foreshadowing?

Highlights from house show matches in the Bound for Glory series are shown.  Not a bad gimmick, and a great way to make the house shows matter.  I always thought there should be a house show title. Nothing would make fans pop like title changes, which are the rarest of events at a house show.

Crimson vs. Robert Roode.  Bound for Glory series match.

Wait, for no reason he is now once again Bobby Roode.  Also, he is still one half of the tag team champions.  Has TNA forgotten they have titles?!  Is there anyone gunning for the tag titles?  Stay tuned for my posts over at ThePowerBomb, I smell a column coming here.  Anyways, Crimson continues to be the biggest fluke in TNA.  Not only is he still undefeated, but the members of TNA Creative have yet to fuck this up.  Crimson is a giant of a man, but he’s also young, looks great, and while his wrestling skills are not yet perfect he is always improving.  That knee brace is worrisome this early in his career, but its not a deal breaker.  Between Crimson’s massive push and Bobby’s shoulder injury, it does not pay to be Roode tonight.  Even when he locks Crimson in an arm bar, there is too much pressure on Roode’s injury to make any of these moves effective enough to end the match.  Crimson hits an elevated power bomb kind of move called Red Sky for the pin.

Abyss freaks out because he cant find his mask.  Cut to another part of the arena, and Brian Kendrick is wearing it.  Well this could be interesting.

Brian Kendrick enters the ring with Abyss’s mask, he asks Abyss to come out so they could discuss a few  things.  For some reason, Brian repeatedly saying Abyss’s name is hysterical.  Can someone take everything Kendrick says here and lay a beat over it?  I’ve met college professors that cant speak as well or intelligently as Brian.  This is an insane promo, far smarter than what is usually seen anywhere near even the word wrestling.  Kendrick speaks his part and hands Abyss his mask.  The monster gets dressed then begins the murder of the entity formerly known as Spanky.  While Abyss may have not been able to verbally debate what Brian has said, he can stop Kendrick’s body from speaking these words ever again.

Jack Evans vs. Anthony Nese vs. Jesse Sorensen

Evans is the fan favorite, and the biggest indy star of the three men.  I’m unfamiliar with all three men so it will be interesting to put my past theory to the test and see if I get into this match at all.  Sorensen leaps so high he can hit a temple kick on Nese, who is on the top rope.  Its tope time!  But I think Evans just hit a springboard 450 to the outside.  Jack Evans may not be human.  He was trained by the Harts?  Why have I been missing this guy?  Sorenesen looks like he’s going for Cross Rhodes but Evans takes it like a DDT.  Frightening move.  Nese has a rolling kick and an insane leap as well.  Evans comes off the top… I cant count that high.  Jack Evans just hit a 630 off the top.  What in the hell.  Who can do that?!  Well, this guy I guess.  Keep an eye on him from now on.  Sorensen and Nese were pretty good too.

British Invasion discusses their feud with Mexican America.  Rob Terry has dyed his hair and grown a beard.  Yes, that will make people take you seriously.  Magnus wants to be taken seriously as a tag team.  Here’s an idea, go after the titles!  Douglas Williams issues an open challenge for Destination X.

There will be an Ultimate X match at Destination X.  I cant wait to watch this match but I’m worried that what will naturally be a spot monkey matches PPV will end up with no one standing out.

Velvet Sky talks about her match.  The Clown Prince of Wrestling talks to Kurt Angle about, oh my God, a title match next week!  Kurt Angle reminds Sting that they have a match tonight.  Angle says Sting is out of his mind.  Let me repeat that.  Drug addicted body broken Kurt Angle thinks Sting is crazy.

ODB and Jackie vs. Velvet Sky

If Velvet pins either woman, they are out of Impact Wrestling (it is unknown if they will be out of TNA though).  Velvet comes through the crowd and attacks both women with a chair.  She gets an immediate advantage in this handicap match and officially starts with ODB.  I’m really thinking all of her recent story arcs are grooming Velvet for a run with the Knockouts title.  Velvet has ODB under control, but she forgets about Jackie until she takes a shot to the back of her head.  Sky gets one woman down, just in time for the other to be fully recovered and resume the attack.  ODB runs chest first into the turnbuckle and a reminder to those at Universal Studios.  If you’re sitting in the first five rows you will get wet.  Jackie and ODB are so deeply in control of the match that they actually start to make legal tags.  Velvet starts to fight back a little, so both ladies resume the double team.  ODB runs out of ways to keep Velvet down so she grabs a chair.  It hits Jackie instead.  Velvet knocks ODB out of the ring, hits Jackie with a DDT and Velvet Sky wins the match.

The Pope and Devon exchange words.  But they’re about to be partners!  What will happen next?!

Christopher Daniels vs. AJ Styles vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Rob Van Dam

Jerry was the “old man” ten years ago and here he is, looking just as good if not even better.  Both Lynn and AJ go for arm drags at the same time, and they drop in near shoulder injuries.  Not your typical crazy “high spot” but maybe even more amazing than one of those spots.  Jerry asks AJ for a favor and for the first time in forever, we have JL vs. RVD.  Just like that I’m a kid in the late 90s again watching ECW for the first time.  TNA just got every penny of money out of me for Destination X.  Daniels and RVD exchange for awhile and this match becomes a showcase of potential.  The potential that TNA might have their greatest show ever this weekend.  Jerry hits a top rope hurracanrana on AJ.  Four guys with insane conditioning and frequent tags make this match actual non stop action.  Daniels goes for Angels wings, but Lynn reverses it into a cradle driver.  Rob comes off the top with a five star frog splash and steals the win away from Jerry Lynn.

Eric Young (TV champion, not that you would know) speaks crazy by his custom trailer.

Matt Morgan and James Storm (1/2 tag team champions) vs. Brother Devon and The Pope D’Angelo Dinero

He’s no longer “brother” Devon and the Pope doesn’t get entrance music.  Only the man who gets the pin will get the Bound for Glory series points.  I’ll guess its the Pope and he gets his music later.  Oh, we’re reminded that Pope talks to Devon’s family and Devon doesn’t like this.  Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts this is not.  I am trying, but there is just nothing in this match that interests me.  Morgan goes over the top rope and grabs his knee.  Well with Crimson getting pushed, why not write the blueprint out?  Pope hits Storm with a tag title and then… lets Devon get the pin?  Pope remains scoreless in the Bound for Glory series and Devon is confused about Pope’s actions.  I would be too if I cared.

Hulk Hogan shows up and beats the shit out of Sting with a baseball bat.  I really don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or care here.

Immortal (Bully Ray, Scott Steiner, Abyss (X Division champion) and Gunner) vs. Kurt Angle and Sting

But you see, Sting just got injured.  OMG, oh noes!!!!1111 Poor Angle!  Kurt tries to fight back in this one on four match.  While he has flashes of courage, the numbers are far too overwhelming for Kurt.  Mr Anderson runs down.  He has made a decision!  Anderson sticks his hands out for the tag and he starts throwing punches at Immortal.  Kenny is about to hit a mic check on Bully Ray when he stops and hits one on Kurt Angle!  Anderson “tags” Angle back in and leaves him for Bully Ray to pin.  Ken has turned heel?  Wasn’t he already?  Is he wearing wrestling boots or flip flops?  Anderson embraces Abyss, which is the secret handshake to join Immortal.

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