Smarked for Death – WWE Raw 8/29/11.

Its time to hit the music!  Its time to light the lights!  Its time to get things started on the wrestling show tonight!


The head man, Triple H, comes out and says its his job to make sure WWE is as good as can be.  He says starting tonight and every night, the Superstars of both brands will appear on both shows.  This is cool, but lets see what happens with the titles and any pushes for up and comers.

Hunter says he has to deal with lying too and calls out Kevin Nash on all the recent bullshit.  The COO calls out Nash to lay everything out but the motherfucking man CM Punk comes out.  Punk says Hunter and Big Kev are in cahoots and they both need to stop acting.  What’s that sound?  The nWo theme returns!  Kevin Nash comes down to nostalgic tunes.  Nash is out and admits to lying about his car accident last week.  Kevin says if Hunter wont step up, he will lie and step up himself.  Makes sense.  If my friend wont defend himself or his wife, then fuck it I will.  I’m good with this motivation.  Hunter tells Nash to stop trying to help and get the stepping.  Kevin reveals that he is now under a WWE guaranteed contract.  The best money man in the business works his financial magic once again!  CM Punk has the greatest, most over the top fake vomiting I’ve ever seen.  Also, every week I write a sentence I never thought I would write in my life.  Punker says he’s acting like he’s sick, as they’re acting like neither knows what’s going on.  WOW! Punk goes from the WWE Klik to click being the noise of remotes when Nash is on screen, or the noise of Kevin’s knees.  Holy shit every week I’m shocked Punk is allowed a microphone.

And just as I say that, Punk pretty much calls Triple H a pantie wearing bitch.  Hunter throws Nash vs. Punk together in CM Punk’s biggest challenge.  The challenge to pull a good match out of Diesel that is.

Hunter leaves, Nash and Punk stare at each other, and Randy Orton comes out.  Its a SuperShow!

Randy Orton (World champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler (US Champion, with Vickie Guerrero)

Average match at first.  Well, more than average really.  Dolph has improved so damn much over the last year.  Future world champion without a doubt.  Well, with a lengthy reign that means something.  Dolph hits the Zig Zag on the outside and he almost gets the count out victory.  Jack Swagger is shown in the back, watching the match.  I’ll predict Swagger getting the US title shot at the next PPV.

The announcers bring up a good point.  Orton is having this grueling match, 24 hours before he has a steel cage match on the live SmackDown show.  Hope he has a couple days off after all that.  Why is SmackDown live anyways?  Do they think people wont be home this weekend to watch it?  That’s my guess.

Anyways, there’s a super-plex and a lot of other impactful moves taking place.  Ziggler had half the match under control but once it turns over to Randy that’s it.  Dolph hits a Fameasser but its not enough to keep the Viper down.  Orton goes for a roll up, which really puts over Dolph.  When the world champion has to try for a surprise quick pin, that means its a dangerous opponent.  Zigs kicks out of a super neck breaker, for lack of a better term, and break out the comb because this man is being groomed.  Randy runs in for the Punt but Dolph answers the challenge with a super kick.  Cole starts screaming out “upset! upset!” and as annoying as he is, at least that was something to get excited about.  Orton hits the hanging DDT and drops down to load up the RKO.  Dolph jumps with the RKO and locks on a sleeper.  Randy gets out, shoots Dolph up to the sky and then catches the rebound with an RKO.

Randy may have won, but this is Dolph’s match.

Josh Matthews tries to interview John Cena but Cena is so mad, he pushes aside the mic so he can talk on a different mic!  In the ring!

John Cena comes out and calls out Del Rio, which is one of the least interesting feuds in recent memory.  Mark Henry comes out, puts over himself, and introduces the world to the Hall of Pain.  Damn, I really want him to win the world title.  Christian comes out to argue with Mark.  Because that is what crazy people do.  Cena tells the two heels to step up and its about to be a two on one brawl when… fucking Sheamus makes the save?!  What the hell?!  Well, that confirms what I’ve been questioning the last few weeks of SmackDown.  Christian bails and tells Mark to get bent.

Johnny Ace tells Little Naitch that he’s going to make a tag team match.  When the hell did Ace get booking privileges?  And there’s Hunter to address my same question.

CM Punk vs. The Miz

A very rare heel vs heel match.  Well, what is Punk now?  He’s cheered sure but he’s not bowing to the fans.  Truly an anti-hero.  Miz is having a good showing and its definitely a mark vs mark match.  Not that either man breaks character once, but it feels like they’re having fun out there.  Its weird to see Punk play the face role in this bout.  He’s taking a beating, getting the fans to rally behind him, and its great.  Miz is wearing down Punk’s shoulders and neck area.  Punk is able to fight back, but only momentarily before Miz regains the advantage.  Punk goes for the Macho Man elbow, and it connects for once!  Punk is ready to hit the GTS when R-Truth runs down and interferes. Well that’s a shit ending to a good match.  Although, I suppose neither man could lose and look strong.

Punk fights off both men and looks to have things under control when Kevin Nash walks down the ramp.  Nash’s arrival distracts Punk, allowing Miz and Truth to regroup and attack Punker.  The Reality Kwik back off so Kevin Nash can hit a power bomb on Punk.  Nash stands over the fallen anarchist and shows off a new “click” hand gesture.  Nicely done.

Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger

Who is under the Sin Cara mask tonight?!  Oh great, we have the special lighting for his match too.  Which sucks now that we have a good Sin Cara and I cant see half the match.  Sin Cara stopped a tope attempt by flipping over the ropes to his feet!  Damn.  Vickie Guerrero comes out and now we have all sorts of strange lighting going on.  Dolph doesn’t like this, and he also comes down.  All of this takes away from a Sin Cara match which means get rid of the damn lighting!  Sin Cara drops Swagger while he’s distracted, does some flips, and gets the pin.

“Air Boom” (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty

I said this on Twitter and Facebook, but Air Boom is the stupidest fucking name I’ve ever heard.  The pick among Hellions was Bourne Kings.  Even Air Bourne Kings would have worked.  McG is improving every week, one of the best dropkicks I’ve seen.  Cant wait for him to be repackaged as Joe Hennig.  The story here is that McG and Otunga are boring, and fuck them, lets cheer the new champs.  Well that’s a great way to put over your talent.  Maybe they’re boring because you didn’t advance their characters while the Nexus was going on.  Then you just stopped Nexus without any explanation.  Oh, Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise on McG for the pin.  Hopefully the former Nexus get something new going.  David and Joe/Mike step up to the King.  Good show of fire and passion, but has anyone made a mark in WWE by feuding with Lawler?  Ever?

Brie Bella (with Nikki Bella) vs. Kelly Kelly (WWE Divas champion, with Eve Torres)

The “who are they fucking” segment of the night begins!  Yes, it bothers me when Michael Cole interrupts matches and puts down the Divas.  That is insulting when they are already out there trying.  I, however, am wondering how the hell they even got in the ring.  Beth and Natalya are watching from the back, wondering why they aren’t in the ring.  I’m wondering the same thing!  The twins do their switching thing, same as they’ve always done, and get the win.  I’ve never been less of a fan of someone.

Triple H new movie trailer.  Excellent, I needed a pee break.

Mark Henry and Christian vs. Sheamus and John Cena

Both teams are strange.  I know not everything in wrestling is perfect, and I bitch as much if not more than anyone else but fucking look at this match.  Cena as this generation’s Hulk Hogan, Sheamus newly turned face, Mark in his biggest career push ever, Christian now a two time former champion main evneter.  Its a new exciting time in WWE.

Its taken 5 minutes into the match before I realized Sheamus has had his ribs taped.  That’s how white his skin is, it looks like athletic tape.  Sheamus going for the hot tag to Cena?  This is a strange strange visual.  There really wasn’t any dramatic face turn, it just sort of slowly happened and then boom it was there.  Why is John Cena the one to show off his amazing strength when Mark Henry is right there?  Super Cena kicks out of a spear, because that’s what he does.  Christian gets pushed into a Brogue Kick, takes an AA and gets fuck you pinned.

What’s fuck you pinned?  Hey guys I have a main event steel cage match for the World title tomorrow, am I going to get the win?  Will I continue to get pushed?  Fuck you Christian, take the fall!

CM Punk meets with Triple H.  Punk makes some smart ass remarks before Hunter can speak.  Trips drops the bomb that he will be facing CM Punk at Night of Champions.  Not a doubt in my mind the live audience didn’t get to see this.  What the hell happened during the show backstage?  Did Kevin Nash fail a physical?  Did he tear a quad in catering?

Well that didn’t take long for Hunter to get back into the PPV picture.

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