Or the PG and bloodless current WWE, Heck in a Cell!
The show starts with Christian coming down for his match but something much more exciting is taking place in the crowd. Recently “fired” WWE Superstars R-Truth and the Miz have bought front row tickets to the show and are coming down to ringside to take their seats. Johnny Ace comes down and tosses these paid ticket holders out of the arena. Must not have liked their signs. Also, Miz and Truth were only fired last week. Awfully difficult to find front row tickets to a big show like this so close to the event. Must have used StubHub. Seems like a lot of money to spend for two people who are unemployed. Not financially responsible at all.
Christian vs. Sheamus
Remember kids, Sheamus is a heel now. Which makes this a very strange match. It should be a bigger heel against the smaller face but with the roles reversed the match feels wrong. Christian cant lock on the Killswitch because Sheamus is too big. How the hell does that work for the heel? I know he’s a crybaby heel, but he doesn’t cheat to win. He whines and uses legal maneuvering to win. There’s a big difference. Christian needs to use his lighter weight to pull off moves that Sheamus is incapable of. Well there goes that idea. Sheamus just pulled himself up from the mat, flipped over, and got himself onto the top turnbuckle. Christian hits two spears and it never once actually feels like enough to keep the Celtic down. Sheamus hits a Brogue kick for the pin and there’s not a single person who didn’t see this one coming.
Mark Henry does a sissy voice (well, Matt Striker). Should this wrestling thing not work out after 15 years he might have a future in animation voice work.
Sin Cara (Blue) vs. Sin Cara (Black)
I have slacked on my Smackdown watching. Did anything really big happen in this angle at all? Or is it just WWE’s version of the Spider-Man symbiote story? The match still takes place in the Sin Cara lighting? This adds nothing to the match. Its annoying at least and diminishes the match at most. Its really great when they dive to the outside, where there is barely any light! “Sin Cara Blanco”. Just because Blanco and Blue start with BL does not mean they describe the same color Michael Cole. That was horrid and embarrassing. If you don’t know a word, shut up. That being said, Sin Cara Azul is a great name. Sin Cara Azul gets the win with a sunset flip? I haven’t seen that move since live WWE house shows in MSG airing on the MSG channel. Damn, it was more of a float over into a pin. But I want to keep that sunset flip reference!
The all new bowtie wearing, Harvard lawyer character David Otunga has a conversation with CM Punk. I guess that’s the personality they decided to give him. What will Michael McGillicutty be doing? He must be off camera because he’s taking all those night classes as he learns how to be a court stenographer. We’re so proud of you for going back to school McG!
Air Boom (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. Jack-olph (with Vickie Guerrero)
Air Boom dark Azul tonight. Ooohhh, new shitty gear. Also, the mash up name was stolen from Twitter, but damn its funny to call the team of Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler (US champ) such a horrible name. But not a horrible match. Far from it. Granted, we’ve been seeing Dolph and Kofi take each other on for months now. Adding two more people helps spice that up a bit. Every guy busts their asses and the WWE tag team titles are starting to matter again. Evan gets the pin with a victory roll on Swagger. It was anyone’s match up until that last moment. Hope there’s a rematch soon.
Mark Henry (World champion) vs. Randy Orton
See, this is how you do a match. Smaller face, bigger and stronger heel. Mark throws all of his strength at Orton, but Randy keeps finding ways to kick out. Orton can stagger the World’s Strongest Man but never stop him. Good match, and continues Mark’s push towards greatness. Orton misses a Punt and Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the pin.
Mark Henry is going to destroy Randy’s ankle with a steel chair. Randy fights off and the fight goes up the entrance. Randy looks strong at the end, should you have been worried.
Cody Rhodes comes out and cuts his usual promo on how great and perfect he is, bags aside. Cody dumps his Intercontinental championship and debuts the new! classic IC title. Awesome. That is such a great belt. Johnny Ace comes out and puts Cody in a match for, oh, right now.
Cody Rhodes vs. John Morrison
John has a real good showing but there’s no way Cody brings back the old belt just to lose the title. Cody avoids a splash and gets the quick pin on Morrison for the win. The whole story here is the new/old Intercontinental title. Not the actual match.
Alicia Fox appears in the anti bullying video. I forgot she was still employed with WWE.
Johnny Ace gets Triple H and tells him that the Miz and Truth are back. They have returned to the building and are beating up Air Boom. Hunter has security get rid of them. How did they get that far backstage to begin with? I cant even get past the door when I try to sneak in. Also, its blatantly obvious that Ace is behind all of the chaos.
Beth Pheonix (with Natalya) vs. Kelly Kelly (Divas champion, with Eve Torres)
Kelly gets in a little bit of offense, but this is all Beth being dominant. I don’t know why she couldn’t be dominant in Buffalo last month, but whatever. Kelly hits a handspring elbow and actually gets a two count out of that? Natalya rally Beth and Eve sees this as something to shut down. Natalya shuts Eve down into the ring wall instead. Kelly gets dropped across the ropes and then Beth locks her into a submission. Natalya grabs the microphone and trash talks Kelly while she’s trapped. Nattie hits Kelly with the loaded mic. Beth takes advantage and hits the Glam Slam for the pin.
I wonder if Beth even saw Natalya use the mic? Maybe she wanted a clean win and this will be the story going ahead.
Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk vs. John Cena (WWE Champion) Hell in a Cell match
I was going to call some action but WWE loves these overbooked main events lately. Holy fuck this is a mess. Ricardo Rodriguez comes down and unlocks the cell. Cena comes out to attack him, and Del Rio locks Cena out of the cage. Del Rio now focuses his attack on CM Punk. Oh, Punk also went through a table. Keep track of all your players! Three wrestlers, Ricardo, referee, table, cage, keys and I feel like I’m missing something.
Punk and Al go back and forth. Cena wakes up and tries to find some way back into the match. Cena tries to break steel with his super human powers. Del Rio finds a heavy pipe (a new player has entered the game!) and attacks Punk with it. That’s all it takes and Del Rio gets the pin, winning the title as well.
The cage raises up so Al can celebrate when two men enter the ring and start to attack people. Miz and R-Truth are back, again!, and are taking out their anger at everyone. As Hunter and Ace come down to stop these rebels the cage lowers back down trapping the wrestlers, the referee and the cameramen in the ring. Everyone gets assaulted. The roster runs out to save their co-workers and try to break into the cage. This is actually a really great visual.
When did Miz and R-Truth become everything we were hoping CM Punk was about to be?
Someone finally finds bolt cutters and the only people to enter the cage are…. two security guards? You have 40 WWE employees outside the ring and its only two arena guards that go in?! The conspiracy victims are taken out in handcuffs and Hunter attacks them. The COO of the company attacked two men who could not defend themselves. Well that cant be good.