Three Musketeers Review OR Resident MediEVIL

Last Sunday, while our apartment is being torn apart, Elise and I decided to take a walk and get out of the house for awhile.  We ate, shopped, and had a good time but the paint fumes and dust had not yet settled.  Thus we took a further walk to the local movie theater with no clue what movie we would watch.

Our movie going opinion is this, if we’re going to spend 20-30 dollars in the theater, it has to be worth it.  A great movie, a spectacle, an experience that cant be copied at home.  This left two movies, Rock Em Sock Em Steel Em Robots or Three Musketeers.  Elise loves the novel, and is also a huge fan of the Resident Evil series.  Thus when we saw Paul WS Anderson and Mila on the poster, we were sold.  Even if its a bad movie, it will be pretty to look at.

Well, Elise summed up the movie with her above title.  This is Resident MediEVIL.  To find out more, click and read ahead.

Do I need to recap the Three Musketeers for you?  Its been around hundreds of years.  Well, so have lots of things that many people have no knowledge of.  OK, so there are three musketeers and a young lad, D’Artagnon.  D’art (you know, as the kids call him) is the son of a former musketeer and travels to Paris to forge his own path.  He meets up with the Three, a conspiracy is hatched and uncovered, and the now four musketeers save the day.

With steampunk technology, super spies and air ships.

Fucking. Air. Ships.

The good?  Its a very pretty movie.  Stuff is big and awesome and there’s a lot of things going boom while people fight.  It is not, however, intelligent in any manner.  Every big boom comes with the free gift of WTF and the death of another piece of good writing.

I think it was Aramis (and really, messing up the names wont matter a bit) who first shows up on camera.  He sneaks up on a guard in Venice and gains access to, well, whatever the hell they’re going for.  Sounds good, right?  Well he does this in full ninja scuba gear.  Oh no, this isn’t a modern day or future times retelling of the classic novel.  It takes place right in the original time period.  Yet there he is, in full scuba ninja gear.  He looks like a Night Creeper Leader figure from GI Joe.

But it looks cool, so you forgive it.

The rest of the Musketeers gain access to the building in their own, lets introduce the characters and their “powers”, superhero ways.  Porthos swings chains with fucking rocks! at the end of them like the Hulk breaking out of a SHIELD prison.  At this point you might think to yourself, how will Milla play a quiet but mentally strong woman from this time?  By throwing all that out the window and becoming Milady, super spy!

Milady joins the Three and they enter DaVinci’s vault!  Tom Hanks does not make an appearance, but maybe its a deleted scene.  The floor of the vault is booby trapped, because that’s what you do with hidden vaults.  Make them even tougher in case someone finds your HIDDEN VAULT!  Thankfully Milady has spent years practicing running, gymnastics, parkour, and limbo while wearing huge bell shaped dresses and corsets.  All of this only to narrowly avoid a ball to the face.  Those Victorians sure do love their balls.

I’m not even done yet!  I’ll skip over the flamboyant effeminate yet in the third act very straight and virile French king.  Also the swashbuckling Cardinal, who gets off free at the end of the movie!  Plus hundreds of other what in the bloody hell moments, because I still have two to focus on.

Millady uses pullys, gears and more martial arts than every UFC fighter combined to find her way into the Queen’s secret jewelry room.  She sees the necklace she is about to steal, but pauses and takes out her compact.  It is at this point I turn to Elise and say, if she blows a cloud of powder and lasers are revealed I’m out of here.  Well, no lasers here.  Just invisible diamond strength tensile lines!  They are so tiny and sharp they can cut fabric that is tossed across it.  This is no danger for Milady Alice, she flips and spins and narrowly avoids cutting herself to pieces on the lines.  Then she somehow escapes without going through this same labyrinth of wires.  Somewhere on YouTube there must be a Milla spins montage video.

And finally we’re at the air ships.  DaVinci invented many things that never came to be, this is true.  But when I see a fleet of massive ships, equipped with an array of cannons and other guns, topped off with a massive dirigible balloon!  Well, my brain turns off.  From one big ship, to another, to an entire fleet of them at the end of the movie.  This film introduces air ships like DragonBall introduces Saiyans.

Even things done on the air ships don’t make sense.  They crash one into another one.  Then, off camera, get the smaller one airborne again just so they can crash it into something else.  Plus, if building one was so damn difficult I don’t see how its possible to build an entire squadron of them in a year.  Also, does everyone know that falling into water from a height is equivalent to falling onto concrete?  You don’t fall into the ocean from nearly a mile above sea level only to be safely pulled out from it!

The movie is fun and pretty to be sure.  But if your mind has not been completely destroyed by reality TV and a lack of reading, you cant help but scream WTF at every single moment.

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