Smarked for Death – WWE Raw 10/31/11 Review.

Did you miss me?  If you want to see this column each and every wrestling day, then please comment share and increase the hits.  Tonight I’m brought back for one reason only.  The Muppets. The Muppets are pure good and fun.  For a generation, we all remember where we were when we heard that Jim Henson had died.  It was the symbolic death of childhood the world around.  Now, we are in a Muppet rebirth and hopefully a whole new generation can discover how amazing these crazy characters can be.  Of course I could be referring to wrestling too there.  Lets get to the show.

The Rock, with quite a lot of gray hair in his beard, cuts a pre taped promo answer to John Cena’s request for a tag team match at Survivor Series.  The Rock swerves everyone with his answer, and eventually agrees to team with Cena.  The crowd, which wouldn’t know  a dirtsheet if it came overpriced and poorly written right to their doorstep, is shocked at this announcement.

Oh cool, people dressed as their favorite wrestlers and brought replica title belts.  No, wait, that’s the fat guy in the front row of every event.  Each and every town has at least one.

CM Punk comes out in a new and sleeveless shirt.  Is it his shirt?  A Halloween thing?  No idea but we can guess that if its his shirt it will be advertised at some point during the show.  I mean, besides the advertising that is his wearing it.

CM Punk vs. Mark Henry (World champion)

Before anything happens, Johnny Ace comes out and introduces himself to the viewers, yet again.  Even Indigo Montoya didn’t introduce himself this often.  Ace says that if Punk wins, he can be number one contender.  Shenanigans are afoot.  Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez come out, and there are those shenanigans I was speaking of.  Ricardo attacks Mark Henry, which seems like a death wish.  But its genius, because the match is stopped and Mark wins by DQ.  Due to Punk’s loss, he is also not the number one contender.  ADR bails, and Punk catches Ricardo then releases him into the jaws of death that is Mark Henry.  Mark hits a World’s Strongest Slam and both guys still look high on the ladder.

Seeing the Muppets appear on a screen with the WWE logo is one of the more surreal moments of my life.  Miss Piggy and Kermit pop up.  Piggy calls herself the “original Diva” and that’s just a true yet loaded comment.  Vickie Guerrero and Jack Swagger try to heel the classic Muppets.  Wow this is funny!  Kermit says he wants no trouble from Swagger or his mother.  Then we get an “excuse me”/”excuse moi” battle of the babes.  Santino comes out with the save.  Swagger cuts off Kermit’s air and the puppetry is so good you forget these aren’t real people for a moment.  Kelly Kelly comes out dressed as swashbuckling Trish Stratus for Halloween.

All of the Divas are dressed in costumes for a Halloween battle royal.  The only amusing part is seeing the Bella twins as Mario and Luigi.  The sad thing is how many of these women are on WWE TV and yet are also unknown.  Katilyn, AJ, Aksana, and there were other ladies that I didn’t even recognize in the ring.  Natalya’s outfit looks eerily similar to the one William Regal wore while Paul Burchill’s wench.  Eve wins this contest and if there is anything nice to say about TNA it is this, their women’s division isn’t shit like this.  Alicia Fox comes to the aid of Eve and Kelly.  Alicia is face now?  What in the hell?

Dr Benson Honeydew is brewing something that cant possibly be approved by the wellness policy.  Beaker is supposed to deliver it to Santino, but Christian dumps the contents.  Who will save this pale faced red haired man?  None other than another pale faced redhead! Sheamus saves the day!  “I cant make it to the family reunion.”  Sheamus’s face turn is worth it just for that moment.

Air Boom (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. Cody Rhodes (Intercontinental champion) and Wade Barrett

I thought this was meant to be the rebirth of Wade.  How can you be reborn and thrown into a tag team at the same time?  Seems like a step back to me.  Wade’s new anchor symbol on his trunks is from the Polish uprising?!  But I thought Wade was…. I’m so confused.  Cody looks bigger tonight.  At least more cut, if not more mass.  I’m becoming a fan or his rope spring, punch combos.  Evan takes too long on the ropes, Wade takes advantage and dumps him with Wasteland for the pin.  What in the hell?  I’ll be surprised if they win the titles, but this is what they call motivation.  Christian comes out to attack Air Boom, until Sheamus makes the save.  Sheamus and Wade seem like two guys we’ll look back on and realize how intertwined their careers were.

Statler and Waldorf are watching the matches from the balcony!

CM Punk has words for Johnny Ace.  A lot of the same ones as before, skateboard jokes and all.

Brodus Clay gets a massive video build up not seen since the days of the original WWE Superstars on Saturday mornings.

Alberto Del Rio (WWE Champion) vs. The Big Show

An average match with Show displaying his ridiculous strength.  Del Rio locks on a sleeper and it looks like the match is over for Big Show.  If Alberto knew how to properly lock on a sleeper, it may have been.  However, it alternates between a chinlock and a loose sleeper.  Show breaks the hold and the fight goes to the floor.  Del Rio hits a running shining wizard variation to Show on the outside.  That could be it, but Show gets up before there’s even a fear of a count out.  Del Rio kicks Show in the head when the action moves back into the ring.  Alberto follows this up with, another chin lock.  Sure this is more of a front chancery but its still not locked on right.  Al starts trading punches with Show, which sounds just as smart as an eating contest with Mark Henry.  ADR finally realizes his headlocks aren’t working and starts to attack Show’s legs.  You know, the same battle plan used on tall men in wrestling for the last 40-50 years.  This doesn’t work either.  Show knocks Del Rio out, picks up the pin, and there’s your champion fans.  CM Punk comes out to gloat over the fallen champ.

Punk wants a title shot at Survivor Series, and locks Al into the Anaconda Vice until Del Rio screams out in painful agreement.

Fozzie Bear and Gonzo wander around backstage and its a classic wrong place wrong time.  Swagger, Vickie and Ziggler show up and literally tie Gonzo into knots.  Gonzo knots.  I wonder if my local pizzeria sells those.

Animal is your guest ring announcer.  No, no not that Animal.  Fun fact, tonight’s Raw is the first time John Laurinaitis and his brother Animal have been on the same show. What? Oh, wrong Animal

Jack Swagger (with Vickie) vs. Santino

Swagger is easily controlling this match and you have to wonder if Santino has any sort of real shot in this bout.  Well, that is, without the help of a Muppet.  Beaker appears at ringside and hands Santino a magical serum to increase his power.  Santino tries to drink it but ends up spitting the concoction in Swagger’s face.  Jack is blinded and Santino picks up the pin.

Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler (US Champion, with Vickie Guerrero)

Ryder lost at the last PPV, is his push done?  I start to zone out because I’m expecting this to be the beginning of the end for Zack Ryder.  Holy crap he breaks out the Ruff Ryder and… that’s it for Dolph?  Ryder really needs to win that US belt soon.

Michael Cole makes poop jokes at Jim Ross’s expense.  The Muppets are not amused.

Miss Piggy rubs John Morrison’s abs.  I don’t remember topless scenes like this on the old Muppet Show.  JoMo ditches Piggy for dinner and sets up the porcine Diva with Hornswoggle.  Horn kisses Piggy and gets a hi’yeah for his efforts!  Kermit comes to see Hornswoggle, Horn leaves, Cody Rhodes shows up and puts a paper bag over Kermit’s head.  Wow.  Even the Muppet segments are now overbooked.

The Miz vs. John Cena

Anyone else tired of Super Cena?  Oh, everyone?! OK, I’m just going to skip to the end.  Cena is attacked by a fan in a Scream mask.  This doesn’t prevent him from fighting off the fan, getting back in the ring, and near immediately locking Miz in the STF for the tap out win.  The “fan” in the Scream mask attacks again, but Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment and takes out the fan.  It turns out to be R-Truth.

What the fuck is the point of Survivor Series now?  Cena just made Miz tap out and kept Truth down for a while with the AA.  If he can defeat these two in quick succession on Raw, why bother having this Rock-centric PPV match?  I think WWE just lost my money.

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