THIS POST IS TOO EXTREME!!!: Extreme Rules Predictions

Is it hot in here or is it time for another PPV? I’m guessing both because who wouldn’t get hot with Brock Lesnar back in the WWE for a short time? The downfall with this PPV is that it occurs so soon after Wrestlemania that 66% of the matches on Extreme Rules are WM rematches. Given how lackluster that PPV was (I ranked it on the same level as Wrestlemania XI. Yeah, that bad!), WWE owes the fans a stellar PPV, but, behold! It’s Extreme Rules! Chairs, Tables, Street Fights…somebody’s gonna end up in a body bag! No wait, that’s NWO Wolfpack; they technically ended up in a body bag didn’t they? But I digress (wow I hate that phrase), Let’s get to some predictions.

Pre Show Match: Santino Marella (U.S. Champion) vs. The Miz

Since Santino has won the U.S. championship the title hasn’t become the mockery that I thought it would. I still don’t like him as champion, but I don’t think he’ll lose it here either. This match seemed to just be thrown together as quickly as possible, and it’s pretty sad when a title match is pre-show bullshit for what could be something slightly better than mid-card. Winner: Santino, by way of an accidental celebrating trumpet dance thing that hits Miz in the face and becomes Santino’s new finisher.
Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena

Is it just me or does John Cena look like a giant leprechaun now with that green shirt and hat? I mean, If he’s going to wear that all year it should be shamrock shakes all around. Wow, ok…focus. We all knew Brock was going to be coming back, we just didn’t know when. For Brock, he says its about building up a brand. Ummm, is WWE not a successful brand? According to the Rock and everybody on Twitter, fuck man this shit trends. But hey, we still have to build that up. Ok, so John Cena has more to lose in this match than he did with the Rock. If he loses, well, lets be honest, he can’t lose. Brock isn’t going to be around for that long, and more than anything they had to bring in somebody that could restore Cena’s image. Brock can potentially do that. You know he can, I mean, hasn’t he hyped himself up enough since he returned. Winner: John “shifting to lucky-charms” Cena.
Sheamus (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. Daniel Bryan

I thought about making this blurb last 18 seconds, but I think that’s overused. Or is it? This is the match that was taken away from wrestling fans, and this time with a 2 out of 3 falls match, you’re guaranteed at least 15 minutes, hopefully. Amid a barrage of yeses, kicks to faces, boots to…no wait, not those. How’s that championship title run going there Rock? Oh wait…did that hit below the belt? This match is practically guaranteed to be good. Casting it as a 2 out of 3 falls match would seem to serve Bryan better, considering his fighting style. With that said, It’s not Sheamus’ time to give up the championship yet. Winner: “The Real Irish Guy” Sheamus…which then suddenly breaks into a who’s really Irish match against John Cena, where he is decimated. Yeah I know I’m grasping at straws, but green is my favorite color.
CM Punk (WWE Champion) vs. Chris Jericho

Wow, this feud as quickly become the best the WWE has to offer right now (Fuck Lesnar/Cena.). Jericho has made this match super, super personal, and every fan knows that we’re in for a Summer of Punk. Jericho has Punk angry, and I think that strategy is going to get the best of Punk this time, but really they’ve set in for a long feud, at least until Jericho’s contract runs out this summer (I don’t care if it’s in Punk’s hometown and it’s a street fight, fuck that!). Winner: Lite-Brite CEO, Chris Jericho

Randy Orton vs. Kane

What did I tell you; it was the elemental battle of Wrestlemania! Don’t call me a liar, you’re still wondering what was up with those blue Randy Orton shorts, but you know. That’s right you know, cuz I told you. But at Extreme Rules, this is the stipulation that they should have had at Wrestlemania. Falls Count Anywhere! This match is pretty well evenly matched, the stipulation favors really any of these wrestlers, especially since Randy can pull and RKO anywhere and Kane, well, you know what he can do. This time, I think Kane has the one up here. At least, if they don’t want to totally ruin the momentum they gave him when he came back, he needs to win. Winner: Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. or Kane if you prefer.

Big Show (Intercontinental Champion) vs. Cody Rhodes

Why isn’t Alberto Del Rio in this match? Oh right, we need a rematch, don’t we? Big Show is being pulled in quite a few directions right now. Recently, he teamed with Khali to take on the tag champs in a non title match. He wrestled Del Rio and lost. This match has me so confused! It’s time for Cody to move on to bigger and better things. Is there even a stipulation to this match? I guess not. Is it possible to be DQ’d? I don’t know. Fuck it! Winner: The wearer of the biggest shower cap on the planet, Big Show.

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