The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Raw 5/14/12.

What the hell is going on here? Why its Smarked for Death Layla!


A few weeks ago one of the wrestling news sites pointed out that WWE is putting up videos during Raw.  This was ground breaking.  Sure, we’ve seen videos a day or a week later.  But never the same night… and while Raw is still airing.  So I decided to take my TNA Impact review style (which reminds me….) and apply it to Raw this week.  Lets see if I get a sense of everything that is happening and a good feeling of the show.


The clip starts with Triple H already in the ring.  He says he’s legit, WrestleMania was legit, and WWE is legit.  Therefore, Brock Lesnar is wrong.  He actually name drops Hogan, Flair, Savage, Sammartino.  You know, guys that the WWE NEVER mentions either because they aren’t on the friends list or they work for TNA.

There is a noticeable time cut.  Hunter is talking about Brock being tested in WWE then the clip jumps to “and he came back”.  Not sure what Triple H said, nor will I look for it because that isn’t what’s going on here.  Chances are it was just a mention of UFC.  Lets mention his time with the Vikings!

Once Hunter calls Brock a quitter its time for the Mad Genius of Wrestling to come out.  And another time jump, as Paul Heyman’s walk to the ring is removed.  Hot damn Paul is a wordsmith.  He knows where to pause, where to over talk, where to dial it back, what words to emphasize, when to use big words, when to dumb it down.  Holy fuck the more he talks the more I want to better myself.  The writing, the speeches, everything.

Has Paul ever been the smarmy lawyer character before?  He’s pulling it off brilliantly.  Yeah, I’m a Heyman guy.

CM Punk (WWE champ) and Santino Marella (US champ) vs. Daniel Bryan and Cody Rhodes (IC champ).

The match starts already in progress.  No entrance music, no warming up.  Cody and Daniel work over Santino, which is probably the best booking to have in this match.  Santino dives for a hot tag… and misses!  Such a tiny bit of work but it was brilliant and the crowd really popped for the moment.  Things get to hot for Bryan and he bails out on Cody.  Rhodes eats a Go To Sleep and its all over.  Fine match for what it is, setting up Sunday’s PPV main event.  Which for the fans who don’t know, this could be a match of the year on Sunday.

Alicia Fox vs. Beth Phoenix.

Let me hold my breathe and lower my expectations for this match.  Layla comes out to watch the match and now I realize one of the main problems with the Divas division.  I don’t know who these women are, and thus I have no connection to them.  I understand Beth Phoenix.  I get the whole Glamazon thing.  Pinup Strong.  Being sexy and powerful.  Now THAT’S a gimmick!  But who the fuck is Alicia Fox?  For that matter who is Layla?  Alicia’s gimmick is… um… well…. They had her wear a faux fox head to the ring once.  Because her last name is Fox.  Not that Layla is any better.  A year ago she co held the title with her best friend.  And they were bitches together.  Then Layla got injured, her BFF left the business and she came back as….?!  Who knows.  She’s just back.  That’s all we know.  She is neither heel nor face.  She just exists, and that does nothing to further the wrestlers, the title or the stories.

Beth destroys Alicia.  There is no need to address this match any further.  Layla runs down to the ring and sneak attacks Beth with a face plant.  Always a good thing for your champion to look good, but this title, wrestler and story still has no meaning.

Big Show vs. Kane.

Oh good, I was hoping to watch something slow tonight!  Its like accidently hitting the pause button on the VCR twice so instead of pausing the video, it instead plays each frame very slowly.  Show’s spear is becoming more impactful and dangerous each week.  John Laurinatis wants an apology, and he wants it now so Kane takes advantage, his a choke slam, and gets the pin.

Speaking of that choke slam.  Its the worst fucking choke slam ever delivered.  I’ve seen better wrestling moves out of tuxedo matches.

John Laurinaitis then decides to fire the Big Show.  Because Big Show made fun of Johnny’s voice.  No one gives a shit!  No one thinks he’s actually fired.  No one cares about Johnny.  Oh and Big Show cries now too?!  This is one neutred giant.  I know I’m a smark, and when the crowd chants for Big Show I hang my head.  Show says don’t fire him, just take away any and all future title shots.  What the fuck?  So what should be a wrestler’s one and only goal in the business is something Big Show just doesn’t care about any more?  Its such a pathetic angle.

And.. AND… I’m willing to bet when Big Show returns (because he will) it will be as Laurinaitis’s lackey.  He will be a stooge just to get his job back.  And then everyone will question why no one takes a 7 foot tall 500 pound man seriously.

Show begs to not get down on his knees.  Guess what Show, the first thing any asshole is going to do when you say “please don’t make me do (blank)” will be to make you do that thing!  Be smart.  Say please don’t make me eat pizza.

Kofi Kingston, R-Truth and Brodus Clay vs. Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and the Miz.

Team AW – Epico, Primo, Rosa and Mason Ryan – are watching from the SkyBox.  I don’t understand the sky boxes.  You’re farther away from the action and cant watch the action.  I’d rather be front row.  Its bullshit “private” seating as an excuse to spend money and pretend to be a real fan.  If you’re a real fan you’ll want to be as close to the action as possible.  For any event.

Kofi hits his finisher on Miz so Brodus can walk in, fall on Miz, and get the pin.  Clay might have the in ring skills and maneuverability of the Great Khali.  And who the hell did Miz piss off?  Five out of six guys in this match are future or past world champions.  And then there’s the Funkasaurus.

Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho.  Sheamus joins the announcers.

Not a bad match but there is the feeling that something will happen, and that something wont be a clean finish.  Jericho throws Orton into Sheamus.  Sheamus finally gets up and drags Jericho out of the ring, attacking him.  Randy gets mad, because now he lost, and is just barely separated from Sheamus.  Good build up for the Four Way match on Sunday, but not a great wrestling match by any means.

And then Raw loses me at the end of the night.  John Laurinaitis comes out and calls the fans losers, then says that he’ll beat John Cena at Over the Limit.  Cena comes out and just talks too damn long for a feud that no one gives a shit about.  This is going to go down as the worst match, angle, PPV main event (would you be shocked?) for 2012.

Eve comes out and brings Johnny paper work from the WWE Board.  Why Triple H just didn’t bring it out makes no sense.  No outside interference in Sunday’s match or else Johnny is fired.  Cena makes fun of Johnny and gets slapped.  Slap him back!

John Cena has become a joke this year as well.  Losing to the Rock, who then disappeared.  Getting his ass kicked by Brock and barely getting a win.  Now this joke of a feud with Johnny.

I expect more from John Cena.



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