The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Raw 5/21/12.


We had some People Power last night and that must mean the WWE Universe is anxiously anticipating the events of tonight’s show.  Actually the only thing any of them are looking for is the announcement of a CM Punk/Daniel Bryan rematch, some more Brock Lesnar, and that’s about it.

Lets see what we gain from the show today.

Well the show starts out with highlights of last night’s John vs Johnny match and… that’s all.  No WWE, no World, no Christian’s return, no Intercontinental title change.  And then Raw officially starts with John Cena coming out.  Look guys, fact is, CM Punk really is the best in the world.  He is the current holder of the biggest title in wrestling on Earth.  Do something with that!  Instead we have this horse shit Johnny Ace angle.

John Cena comes out all upset he got beat.  “What the hell?!”  Is it your first day in WWE, Cena?  This is what bad guys do.  They stack everything in their own favor, screw over anyone, and manipulate all rules to their favor.  That’s what they do.  That’s what all of wrestling is.  Cena is a mark too.  Does he not remember the evil twin referees, the Freebird rules, the Dusty finishes.  Its all about the swerve John!

This is the kind of stuff fans hate Cena for.  This is the captain of the football team setting down his stack of money, pulling his dick out of the cheerleader (well, not any longer.  That’s going to be a nasty divorce), getting straight A’s and the valedictorian spot then complaining because … well I honestly cant think of anything.  Sounds like a pretty sweet life.

What has Johnny done to Cena?  Brought in Brock Lesnar to face him and then made a shit ton of money fighting each other on PPV.  Its Captain America complaining that Marvel Universe’s legendary post man Willie Lumpkin is holding him down.

Eve introduces Johnny, who rides out on a wheelchair.

This is a struggle.  I’m torn.  I want to say, fuck this shit, and fast forward to something that matters.  To some wrestling match, or at least an angle that is fun.  But then again I want to see just how bad this gets.

Johnny Law talks about all his injuries.  He then says he re-hired the Big Show on Saturday.  Which would make him a WWE employee on Sunday.  Which would mean he shouldn’t have been allowed nor able to interfere in the match.  Fuckin A.

Big Show comes out wearing the biggest suit ever made.  Usually when anyone that big comes out wrapped up in something new its a piano box.  It was high time for a Big Show heel turn.  A man of his ferocity should not be walking down slapping hands with little kids.  He should be beating the shit out of any and everything in his path.  Instead he sounds like a little bitch.  He sounded like a little bitch when he was on his knees begging for his job back.  He sounds even worse now.  “How dare the WWE Universe not give me sympathy!” , to paraphrase.  Well shit where was I suppose to send the condolence card to Show?  I didn’t even get an email address. Who do I Tweet to?  Big Show’s heel turn logic is right up there with Tugboat.

David Otunga challenges Cena, and John says he will fuck up Harvard Law.  Might a new aggressive side of John Cena save this?

John Cena vs David Otunga.

Cena and Otunga play cat and mouse.  This will only make the beating that much worse.  No one who is about to administer a beating wants to be made the fool before hand.  Cena hits one move, then an AA, then an STF and this isn’t much of an ass kicking.  He won, sure, but in a Meh fashion.

Now here’s some excitement!  John Cena is jumped by Tyler Reks, Curt Hawkins, Darren Young and Titus O’Neil.  Yeah!  Lets get these guys some time on Raw and get them over too!  Sheamus runs out, hits Ace on the way out, and clears the ring with Cena.  Giant tag match tonight?  Ace gets on the mic and sends the young lions to the back.  He then makes a match.  A tag team match.  Against the four hungry young talents from earlier?  Well, Ace said 2 on 3.  So maybe one  of the four can’t do it.  Oh and  a Lumberjack match!  I’m sure these four men will be in the match with one extra to order around the Lumberjacks.  Right?  Right?

Ricardo Rodriguez is about to introduce Alberto Del Rio when Santino comes out.  The two men roll their R’s.  Ridiculousness.  Cobra to RR’s throat.  Santino now introduces ADR.  Its a fine angle. I want to be negative and shit all over it, but fact is it was entertaining, silly, and not too bad at all.  However it took place right after that far too long John Cena segment.  Most independent wrestling bookers could write a show that flows better than this.

July 23rd will be the 1000th Raw and the first of the regularly scheduled 3 hour episodes.

Lawler and Cole try to explain away the mistake from earlier.  Big Show and Johnny only had a verbal agreement.  Which means no contract.  Even though a verbal agreement is a contract.  Try again WWE!  There’s going to be more explanations for this mysterious contract than there was for Roswell.  Its a weather balloon!  Its a drone!  Its a bunch o’ crap!

Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio.

Michael Cole tells us that the point of this match is to “maybe get a shot at a title down the road”.  Isn’t that the point of EVERY match?  I mean why fight and bust your ass to try to win a match if there is nothing to be gained from it?

Anyways.  I took a break from watching this match because I have not been a fan of Orton or Del Rio lately and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.  Coming back refreshd, this is actually a pretty good match.  Michael Cole’s announcing is still insipid though.  “Del Rio owns 12 or 13 cars.”  He’s driven out more cars than that in his WWE career.  Also, its WWE.  If people are going to be 8 feet tall and plummet 200 feet then why not say Del Rio has five thousand cars.

Del Rio is a great wrestler to watch in the morning.  At night he’s not that exciting and the fans just want to go to bed.  But in the day, his style, his nuances really come through.  I need to look at a future blog post for when to watch certain wrestlers.

The match is cut short though when Chris Jericho attacks Randy Orton.  Two Code Breakers and multiple “I am the best in the world at what I do.”  Much like another famous short Canadian.  I got news Jericho, you’ve been back since January, had numerous title matches, and not won a damn thing.  You’re not the best at anything right now.

When did Jericho get a tattoo on his hand?  Third Code Breaker!  How cool would a three way dance of Punk vs Bryan vs Jericho be? Random thoughts time!  Where’s Chad Nevett?

Daniel Bryan comes out to cut a promo about last night’s controversial ending to the title match.  For once the word controversial is being used appropriately.  And check out the review of that show.

Daniel Bryan wants a rematch, and I’ll tell you the entire wresting world wants to see that too.  CM Punk comes out and we all cross our fingers hoping that he accepts this challenge and makes No Way Out a must buy PPV.

Wait for it…. wait for it…. No.  Instead of making a rematch, Punk plays footage from Smackdown showing that Bryan attacked Kane and blamed it on Punk.  Kane comes out to seek his revenge.  But he’s a heel right?  And so is D-Bryan.  Even though WWE doesn’t have faces or heels anymore and fans can cheer/boo who they want… those roles are still there.

Kane vs. Daniel Bryan.

CM Punk joins the announcers for this match.  Nothing much gets started, the point here isn’t to have a match its to have a larger angle.  Punk grabs a chair and goes to hit Kane, returning Bryan’s favor.  Bryan takes the chair away before it can be used but Kane still attacks Daniel as if it had been used.  Punk is hysterical on the headsets.  Multiple choke slams and many smart ass comments from Punk.  The champion heads into the ring to “check on” Bryan.  Punk locks on the Anaconda Vice and Bryan cant tap out hard or fast enough.

Holy shit.  Submission match at No Way Out?  Must buy PPV if so.

Crazy AJ!  She was amazing in this.  Cute, quiet, angry, crying, back to calm.  Brilliant acting.  I really hope she becomes more involved with CM Punk.  And I also mean that in every sense.

Review of the ongoing Brock Lesnar, Paul Heyman and Triple H story.  But none of them are actually on Raw tonight.

Christian makes his return to Raw, and to… average cheers.  Well I guess everyone knew he was already back.

Jinder Mahal has an elaborate pre match ceremony?  That seems very unnecessary for someone who isn’t even close to being over.  He’s not even hated.  Is there a most apathetic list?  Or is that an oxymoron?

Christian (new Intercontinental champion) vs. Jinder Mahal.

Good showing for Christian ahead here.  He’ll make Jinder look good, he’ll get a win and some momentum going, and the fans can get reacquainted with Christian.  Excellent booking here.  Not excellent commentary though.  “Jinder Maul-hal” from the King.  Not the king of wit.  That may have been one of the worst jokes in the history of wrestling commentary.  Christian adds a big top rope splash after the Killswitch to his finishing move cycle.  Not too bad.  And a good sign for him.  Its tough to hit the Killswitch on Big Show, Kane, and other larger men.  But a splash can be hit on anyone.

I did not make WWE’s new Twitter graphic.  Next week!

Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix.

Yeah!  Kick her ass Beth!  Layla is watching from backstage.  Why?  She beat Beth last night.  She has no issues with Kelly.  The challenger should be watching the TV.   Beth should be watching Layla.  Anyways, Kelly is actually having a good showing against Beth.  Good for Kelly that is.  Beth stuffs the cartwheel and hits a Glam Slam for the much deserved pin.  What’s the woman have to do to gets some damn respect?!

Sheamus (World champion) and John Cena vs….. Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and Tensai.

No longer Lord, just Tensai.  The Lumberjacks come down and its an all heel set.  Reks, Hawkins, Titus and Darren from earlier tonight.  Also Jericho, Del Rio, Drew, Camacho and Hunico, Epico and Primo, Otunga.  Probably some other people that I missed.  And lets here it for some new talent on Raw.  Two tag teams that tore through NXT, got themselves over and are now on the main show.  Good job guys.

Johnny watches from the top of the ramp.  Which, honestly, he can see the match clearer on a TV much like I’m doing.

Sheamus gets tossed outside and instead of taking a beating he gets on the offense and attacks all the lumberjacks.  Nice tough.  Sheamus dives on to four of them and would have gotten back in the ring safely if Jericho didn’t grab his leg.  Sheamus is worked over by the three opponents and the fans wait for Cena to get the hot tag.

Sheamus has busted open either his nose or his mouth.  Tensai has a red streak on his head.  Could be his own blood, could be from Sheamus.  Nope, he just wiped it away that’s all Tensai.  Big Show comes out on the stage.  Credit to WWE.  There is a LOT happening here but the story is easy to follow, the match is pretty good, and everyone is in character and furthering themselves throughout.  Its rare to see something over booked in a good way, but here it is.

Cena gets the hot tag and starts to build up some momentum.  The Lumberjacks drag Sheamus off the apron and start to beat him down.  John tries to help his partner but all the Lumberjacks get in the ring and its an all out brawl.  The faces empty out from the locker room to help out.  Great Khali takes longer to get to the ring than the Iron Sheik.  John Cena leaves everyone that just came to help him and heads to the back to find the Big Show.  Cena finds Johnny first who says he hasn’t seen Show and don’t hit him or else be fired.  We all think that’s it for the show.


John Cena is punched in the face so hard I jumped back in my seat.  Everyone watching Raw jumps back.  This is the wrestling equivalent of Morpheus hitting the toilet bowl in the first Matrix movie.  Bam!  Great ending.

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