The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Raw 6/4/12.


I have spent the better part of my day watching some great wrestling.  2CW, Chikara, ROH.  This will not measure up.  I’ll let all the loyal readers and all loyal fans of WWE know that I go into this review with a negative attitude.  Lets see if anyone or anything will cheer me up.

Show opens “hot”, which is a relative term.  Michael Cole is saying negative shit about John Cena.  Cena comes out and there is even more negativity.  Its still all about saying how great Johnny Ace is, and what a terrible friend Cena is.  How dare he not help the Big Show!  John Cena tries to mock Michael Cole about his My Little Pony collection.  Well, that just shows how out of touch Cena is, doesn’t he know that Bronies are in?

Ace wheels out on the People Power hover round.  Cena can have a match against anyone tonight.  But not Big Show, and not Johnny, so Cena picks Michael Cole.  Yes, I love the idea of Cole getting his ass kicked.  But I’ve been watching wrestling for long enough to know that that is not what will be happening tonight.  They’ll hype up this match for the next two hours.  Then some strange twist will take place thus making the match not at all what was actually hyped up for the past two hours.

Michael Cole runs back and begs Johnny don’t-call-me-Johnny to be let out of this match.  Johnny tells Cole to go back to announcing and get ready for his match.  Those two things cant be done at the same time.  Although if this is how Johnny worked in his prime then it makes sense.  Maybe he would have become a bigger wrestling star if he prepared for matches instead of multitasking before getting in the ring.

Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero) vs. Sheamus (World champion).

Cole is back on announcing and still bitching about his match later tonight.  Which does nothing to get over the actual wrestlers and matches that will/are taking place.

Sure, Dolph got beat, and for some reason I sensed that coming from the beginning.  But it was a damn good showing from the Show Off.  He looked good, he looked like he belonged in the ring with the World champion.  Now that Orton is gone for 60 days, Ziggler is freed up.  He’s a young hungry Superstar who should be thrown into that main event picture.

Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez attack Sheamus on his way to the back.  Pretty good attack.  I’m still not firmly in the Del Rio fan club, but I do appreciate him more every week.  No one came out to help Sheamus, by the way.  Under current logic that means he will turn heel next week.

David Otunga informs Johnny that Mr McMahon will be on the show next week.  So, when its announced that certain people will be on Raw it can be used to spike a rating huh?  Well why not announce a few more matches ahead of time?  Maybe people would tune in if they knew for sure they were about to see Sheamus and Dolph go at it again.  Or that they would see Sin Cara on Raw.  Well, maybe not that last one.

Sin Cara vs. Hunico (with Camacho).

Ugh.  He still has the terrible blue lighting throughout his match?  Its not working!  Actually, there isn’t anything working when it comes to Sin Cara.  Sin Cara hits a head scissors “thing”.  I don’t know.  I mean, how is such a thing fucked up?  And yet it is.  No one cares, no one is excited, no one wants to buy his merchandise.  He is not Rey Mysterio.  But is it even possible to figure out what Rey has that Sin Cara doesn’t?

John Cena’s favorite Raw moment is when he came back to Raw during a Draft.  Wasn’t like he was on Smackdown with the WWE title that long.  Also, so his picture makes the Raw magazine cover?  Wait.  You mean after they decided to go G rated and not have WWE Divas looking all hot and undressed on the cover (oh Attitude era) they went with John Cena covers for the kids?  What an accomplishment!

Ryback vs. two jobbers.

They give their names, but it really doesn’t matter.  Cole calls Ryback a “demolition ball”?  I have never heard that term in my life.  Its a squash and there’s not a whole lot to it.  Although, the dead lift of two men, across the shoulders, and then dropping them both back down was impressive.  For what he is, he’s good at it.  But we’re all anxiously awaiting word of Ryback’s skills when tested.

CM Punk comes out for a match.  Daniel Bryan comes out to run his mouth.  Oh I cant wait for No Way Out.  Sure, Kane is in the match but D-Bryan and Punk are so damn good together I’m still excited for the bout.

All of the work in this feud is impressive.  Punk and Bryan are of course having some of the best matches in the world.  But lets not forget Kane.  The two shooters are raising Kane up.  A guy who has grown stale and boring looks like a legit contender for the big belt.

Its AJ!  The best Diva in the company right now runs down the ramp, ends up distracting everyone, and it ends with Kane getting a choke slam pin.  Nice work.

AJ really does look better and better every week.  She switches from scared little girl to temptress of … Kane?!  All in one minute.  Forget the Miz, Triple H, even John Cena.  AJ needs to star in a WWE film.

Josh interviews AJ backstage and she gets crazier and crazier.  “Look at me.”  How could you not?  She’s quickly climbing the ladder of memorable WWE characters.

I feel its best to skip over Michael Cole begging the WWE Universe to get him out of the match, then I’ll just continue and skip over the Big Show video package as well.

Kofi Kingston and R-Truth (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins.

Reks and Hawkins don’t get entrance music, which is a shame.  But they do have a match on Raw!  And its a title match!  Cole says Reks and Hawkins have been on NXT “the last few weeks”.  Well, maybe if last few weeks meant the last year plus.

Damn shame Curt and Tyler lose this match.  They looked better, stronger, and more like a team than the tag champs.  The benefit is the larger Raw audience seeing these two men.  A larger audience will lead to more fans, and maybe that larger fan base will be capitalized on with a tag title run.  We can hope.

Triple H talks about his return at MSG as one of the best Raw moments.  I’d like to bitch, but it was a pretty big moment.

John Cena comes out for his match.  Cole whines and wants out.  Johnny wheels out and says some stupid shit.  Then… the match is changed.  Just as I predicted two hours ago.

John Cena vs. Tensai.

Internet rumors say that WWE higher ups have not been happy with Tensai.  This will be a very telling match.  Tensai gets Cena down, just so he can fight back.  Cole tries to trash talk Cena, just so Cena can come back.  One AA later and Cena defeats Tensai, thus defeating his whole push too.

Oh fuck this.  Now that Cena has won he gets a quick match with Michael Cole.  He strips Cole down to his underwear, pours JR’s own barbecue sauce on Cole.  I’m sure there’s much more but I decided to zone out at this point to protect my own sanity.  Tensai comes back and tries to drop Cena long enough for Cole to pick up the pin but it still doesn’t happen.  Which only adds to the length of this match as well.  Oh its horrible.

John Cena gets the win, and all this showed any of us was that an entire hour of Raw was fucking worthless.  Happy 1000th episode!  Hey, some of them were good!

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