Coming off a pay per view last night that was so hot… I didn’t even bother to watch it. Come on now! I’m working and running this blog non stop in order to get noticed. Sometimes things slip through. But I got two hours, well an hour and a half minus commercials, to check out tonight’s episode of the nearly thousand weeks in a row Monday night tradition. Lets see what Creative has in store for us tonight.
The show starts out with… Mick Foley?! Wasn’t there some report on the IWC that Triple H doesn’t want Foley on TV? Well, obviously that was legit. Mick says that he was going to show up just for fun, but with Big Johnny getting fired last night the WWE Board of Directors has reached out to… former GMs of both shows. Nice. That is a good surprise with a whole lot that can be done with it. Regal! Stephanie! Bischoff…nevermind. Foley calls out Laurinaitis to say his goodbyes to the WWE Universe. So, when Johnny gets his ass kicked he cant have a scooter? No Hover-Rounds for the former boss? I know Vince tossed it off the ramp last week but surely he can buy a new one.
Laurinaitis has responded: “I can buy one. And don’t call me Shirley.”
That doesn’t flow as well in print as it does to be heard/said.
Anyways, Johnny says he made a main event for tonight, last night, before he was fired. Because in any business you must adhere to what your predecessor decided on his way out. Sheamus and CM Punk come out, and both men are very happy to see the last of Big Johnny. We all are champs, we all are.
CM Punk (WWE Champion) and Sheamus (World champion) vs. Kane and Daniel Bryan.
CM Punk is in the middle of the 4th longest title reign of the last 15 years. Or so we are told. That is one very specific fact. Its baseball level stats of a fact. Also fact, nothing huge happening in this match. Sheamus scoop slams Kane with ease and that was damn impressive. He gets Kane across his shoulders as well, but Kane fights out of that one. Sheamus may have finally discovered just how strong he can be. Although, that being said I’m not sure I get the logic of Sheamus being the face to take the beat down. Well, Punk is much more over though so I guess there’s some sense to this. Kane and Bryan work surprisingly well as a team. Quick tags, wearing Sheamus down.
Punk gets the hot tag and has a fast and intense exchange with Daniel Bryan. Oh these matches have to be on that upcoming CM Punk DVD set. Some of the best wrestling ever in WWE. AJ’s music hits and the crowd explodes. Crazy is over. AJ is decked out in the WWE for girls Kane Halloween outfit. And looks adorable. Kane is far too distracted by all of this and chases after AJ. Punk and Sheamus double up on Bryan then get the pin while Kane is still trying to figure out what happened.
Yeah, this girl is the Diva of the year. More captivating than any other woman on WWE TV lately. No offense to Beth or anyone else there. But for the last few years only one girl can be booked well at a time. Currently, that’s AJ.
Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler argue backstage. You know, when one of them turns face these two could have an amazing feud. Vickie shows up to separate them. Looks like some changes are afoot, and Vickie will align herself with whoever wins a match tonight.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger. Winner gets Vickie Guerrero.
A good match starts until Dolph tweaks his knee. At first I figure Dolph is faking it to lure Jack in. But then Swagger clotheslines the knee and starts working over the entire leg. Yeah, that’s real (at least within the story of the match). Swagger and Dolph are nearly equals, its strange that this injury angle has to be added to the match to make Swagger look like a stronger challenger. Dolph fights back and hits the Zig Zag for the pin. Instead of looking weaker with that injury, Dolph ended up looking stronger from fighting back. Vickie locks a huge kiss on Dolph to celebrate his victory. Yeah, world or WWE title by the end of the year. Poor Swagger though.
Review of Triple H challenging Brock Lesnar for Summerslam.
Jerry Lawler remembers Vince in the hospital which led to the debut of Mr Socko.
Paul Heyman comes out to speak on behalf of Brock Lesnar. Paul says no to dropping lawsuits and no to a match at Summerslam. Very quick piece which can only mean, yup, here comes Triple H. Have these two ever been in the ring together before? Something seems very surreal for Hunter and Paul E. to be in the same ring at the same time, and both in suits.
Its fair mic work from Heyman, but not an instant iconic one like he has had before. They duel quite well though. Paul begs and begs to be punched, just to add another lawsuit to the pile. He doesn’t even push Triple H too far, Hunter just wants to be unpredictable. And it works. One knockout punch and Heyman is left laying. We all know there’s no way Paul will be seen in a great light in WWE (and its a damn shame too) but they are already building up SummerSlam as must see. Mission accomplished by both men with mics and one punch. That’s some good story telling.
Guess the concussion wasn’t as bad as originally thought…
Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Santino Marella (US champion).
Oh, I’ll bet this is a non title match. No point in pushing the US title, right!? Its damn near a squash. Del Rio wins. He not just wins, but he even uses a head butt. This bothers me more than any other move in the match. He just came off of a concussion. Don’t use a headbutt. For numerous reasons. One, to protect yourself. Two, if your opponent is so weak that you can use such a move on them to no effect on your recently healed head, then who the hell did you beat?
Cyndi Lauper just got more TV time than any WWE Diva in the last year. Combined.
Layla introduces Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper. As part of the Raw 1000 celebration. Neither woman has ever previously appeared on Raw. So… there’s that. Also, I swear I thought Cyndi and Wendi were two of the male wrestlers in drag. I’m not trying to be rude, I swear I thought that. Heath Slater comes out to sing and bother everyone. Rowdy Roddy Piper comes out to save the day. This is such a bizarre segment. Unless you have watched wrestling for 30 years this entire segment is over your head. As someone who has watched it that long, its fine. But you cant have both. Everyone under 18 just turned off the show. Nice way to put over the late great Captain Lou though.
Primo and Epico (with Rosa Mendes) vs. Prime Time Players (with AW).
There is some amazing wrestling taking place here from Epico and Primo, and they just don’t matter. No characters, I cant think of a single promo ever from either man. Same for Rosa. AW is a great mouthpiece for heels. Young and O’Neil show a ton of charisma when they come out. Already more so than the Colons. The Prime Time Players take the count out win and look like heels. The fans are hot. The Colons stand there and I still don’t know what I’m to think of them.
Chris Jericho returns next week. Well maybe he can win a title this time around. Since January he has thus far been a bust.
Teddy Long joins for commentary. Johnny, David Otunga, and Big Show come out. Show says he is not bound to any one person, especially a manager who just got fired, so he ditches Johnny. Which should be a heel move. It should be that Big Show doesn’t care about anyone. Instead the fans cheer him walking off. Well, that may have not worked out well.
John Cena vs. Big Johnny and David Otunga.
The story is that Cena smacks Otunga around for a bit, David goes for a tag, and Big Johnny chicken shit backs away from it. Cena gets caught up on the ring post, and Otunga takes advantage. I feel it will not be for long. David wears down Cena the best he can and Johnny begs for the tag in. Ace comes in and stops faking his injuries. Oh no, this might make Laurinaitis a threat! No, no it wont. Johnny gets scared and goes for a tag, and now David Otunga walks out on Big Johnny! Wow, someone is getting buried on his way out. Anyone else expect WWE.com to give Johnny a “future endeavored” tomorrow? John Cena picks up Mr People Power for a whopping three Attitude Adjustments, then locks on the STF. Of course Big Johnny taps out and Cena celebrates this “difficult” win.
Everyone wants to celebrate but there are huge problems here. There is no feud for any of the top stars! Nothing! How the hell do you book matches?! CM Punk, Daniel Bryan and Kane are fighting because they cant figure out what some girl is thinking. Sheamus has nothing. Alberto Del Rio, Dolph Ziggler, Big Show – no feuds. John Cena now has no one to battle. The biggest match right now is between two part time wrestlers, and is two months away. The longest segment of the night revisited a popular angle from nearly 30 years ago.
Get your shit together, and get it in the present day.