The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Money in the Bank 2012.

 

I’m live tweeting this as well so if you enjoyed that, you’ll see a lot of the same jokes here too!

Smackdown Money in the Bank match:

Damien Sandow vs Cody Rhodes vs Dolph Ziggler vs Santino Marella vs Tensai vs Christian vs Tyson Kidd vs Sin Cara.

Look at Damien’s tights!  If you ever wondered what Rick Martel would look like with a beard here you go.  It would be an easy custom figure job.  Just take a Model figure and add a little black paint.  Sin Cara is becoming the King of Botch tonight.  Botchamania will crown him their patron saint.  He is going for pins in a ladder match!  Two things wrong here.  One, he is going for pins in a ladder match.  Two, he thinks he’ll actually get a pin.  Sin Cara doesn’t go over.  Christian isn’t doing a damn thing here.  Santino is just around for the joke, but that’s what we all expected.  Well half expected because there was that maybe he’ll win it all moment at the Royal Rumble.

Tyson Kidd is stealing the mother fucking show!  Real impressive work.  Taking the spot of Shelton Benjamin and Kofi Kingston.  Hopefully he’ll end up more successful than both men in the World title hunt.

Even Michael Cole says that the fans are expecting either Cody Rhodes or Dolph Ziggler to win it all.  Damn Skippy we are.

Dolph actually wins it all and its about damn time.  He has deserved this for quite some time.  Look at the look on Vickie’s face.  It reminds me a lot of when Sherri Martel watched that Shawn Michaels tribute video back when HBK was feuding with Kurt Angle.  Sherri looked at a young Shawn up to the champion and had a smile on her face that screamed “that’s my boy!”  Cougar angle aside Vickie really looked like a proud parent there.

Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio

Well after Sin Cara’s shitty work I can only hope we get to see more Mexican stars that cant get over in WWE.  I really feel that WWE finally got the notice too and will keep that belt away from Del Rio.  I cant even pretend anymore.  He’s not over, he wont be over and its best to wash hands on this one.  Its an alright match but really I’m going into it with the most negative attitude possible.  Thankfully Sheamus does win.  Oh, Dolph is coming out!  Yeah there’s no way Sheamus is hurt enough to lose the belt here.  One Brogue Kick later and it looks like Ziggler changed his mind.  Good thinking there.

Titus O’Neil and Darren Young vs Epico and Primo.

This will go down as one of the worst PPV matches ever.  It wasn’t a bad match.  Not by any means.  But I’ve never seen a deader crowd.  It was so quiet I could hear the ring tone go off for one fan in the nosebleed section.  One.  None of this was helped by AW trying to get over with his own personal wireless mic.  Which he then forgot to speak into.  So the announcers are quiet in order to give AW the viewers attention and then AW doesn’t talk.  When he does speak he goes full racist.  Screaming Taco Bell at Latino wrestlers.  Someone yell KFC back and see the shit storm that arises.  The four wrestlers tried their best but AW absolutely destroyed this match.  Oh, Epico and Primo sneak out a win.

CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan (AJ as the special referee).

What an outstanding match.  It begins and I’m not into it.  All I can think is, what will AJ do and how will it fuck up the outcome of this match?  Then AJ gets taken out and the match progresses without any bullshit.  I’m drawn in.  Every bit is exciting.  Counters and holds and impacts.  Tables and kendo sticks and chairs.  It builds.  These two stars do that rare thing.  They tell a story!  They build tension.  I get so wrapped up in the match that when AJ comes back I don’t care, nor do I mind.  Now I’m excited to see what the hell she does.  Here’s the crazy thing… she doesn’t do anything to alter the outcome!  Punk and Bryan battle it out on top of the ropes and jockey for position.  Punk lucks out and its D-Bryan through the table!  Great match and AJ didn’t detract from the two stars.

(Right here my internet goes out for a few. Will catch up on what I missed momentarily.)

Ryback vs. Curt Hawkins & Tyler Reks

You know the outcome of this one already.  Damn shame too.  Chances are Reks and Hawkins will be wrestling for many many years to come.  Good matches, giving 100% no matter where they are.  But Ryback will probably fizzle out sooner not later.  He gets the win here but really, unless he ups his talent level soon the fans are going to turn.

Layla & Tamina Snuka & Kaitlyn vs. Eve Torres & Natalya & Beth Phoenix

Oh what in the hell.  Six women and they’re given fewer minutes than that for this match.  And when is Natayla a heel again?  As I have said many times there is only room for one Diva to get attention at a time (at least that’s what recent WWE booking tells me) and right now AJ is that Diva.  So screw the rest!  Lets dump them all in this match.  Layla gets the pin.  So good I guess.  Wouldn’t want your champion to look weak right?  Wouldn’t want anyone to look at her I guess, which is why there is rarely any Diva action on TV.

Raw Money in the Bank match.

Big Show vs Kane vs Chris Jericho vs John Cena vs Miz

The star of this match is the God Ladder.  Call it the Giant Ladder if you will, for me it will always be the God Ladder.

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