Hurricane Sandy Preparedness! The list the news isn’t giving you.

As I sit here writing, Hurricane Sandy and a Nor’Easter are both rushing the east coast like two drunken horny teenagers, ready to mindless rip each other’s clothes off and copulate like bunnies. I happen to have the misfortune to live 90 miles outside of NYC. My classes are canceled for tomorrow and I am hunkered down in my basement apartment on a hill surrounded by a million trees. However, I am prepared as the news tells me to be but they left a few things out:

Charge the E-Reader.

As a graduate painting student who reads more then she paints I will use this opportunity to dust off the ole Nook and read….whatever frigging book I was reading on August 26th before school started. I *could read some of my school books but, shoot, I left them in the studio. (which is a total lie, but don’t tell anyone)

Fill a 5 gallon bucket with water. For the toilet.

As someone with gastrointestinal (AKA Pooping) issues, who also had a major attack of the mudbutt today (TMI, I know, get over it) the only thing more important then drinking water is the water to flush your toilet, especially if the electricity is out for several days. I have a studio apartment, I don’t need it to smell like shit.

Sleep in a bra.

I keep imaging that I am snuggled under my blankets, cuddling my stuffed dog (shut up) who in my dreams is Hugh Jackman and all the sudden one of the million trees in my yard crash through the window. PANIC! One does not just simply wake up in a moment of panic and manage to wrestle 38DD breasts into a bra. This takes careful precision and thought. I also can’t run out of my apartment braless without risking a concussion from bouncing boobs so, alas, even though it’s not comfortable I shall be sleeping in a bra.

Take care of your pets.

Your pets are NOT stuffed toys. Keep them inside. They’re afraid and trust you to be their love and support. If you evacuate and leave them behind, shame on you. Pets are family, and if you’re aren’t perhaps you should give them to a family who would think of them that way.

Have a rescue plan. For your TV.

For the most part, there really isn’t anything in my apartment I could live without. Im a grad student, I don’t eat off of re-used paper plates and have beer cans in my bathroom. I have nice things. And one of them is my brand new 32” TV. I know it isn’t much to some people but I love my TV. I plan to wrap her in garbage bags and then in a blanket and lay her in the back of the car if something bad happens. Clothes can be easily replaced, my TV cannot. And yes, I know I have a problem.

Make sure your car has an actual outlet and that it’s fully gassed:

Mostly I filled my car up because it has an honest to goddess outlet in it. One where I can charge my phone, laptop, and possibly run my toaster oven if needed. Dont be hatin’.

Buy Soup. On Sale. With Coupons.

People keep asking me if I have enough non-perishable foods if the power is out for several days. People who KNOW I coupon. I think I have enough Progresso and Campbell’s soup for at least 2 weeks worth of meals, not counting the PBJ I bought. Ohhh, this just reminded me, I need an evacuation plan for my coupon binder too. #LeaveNoCouponsBehind

Have lots of candles.

Cause nothing is sexier then sitting in your romantically lit apartment by yourself as all hell breaks loose. Bonus if all of them are different scents so your apartment smells like a cheap French bordello from the late 19th century.

Buy a lot of cheese. Then eat.

This is a great excuse to eat a lot of cheese with no guilt. I mean, you’re only eating it so that it doesn’t go bad and go to waste, right? Right.

Shave.

You never know when the next time you can tackle those areas again in a power outage, and you don’t want uncomfortable itching…in bad places…

Make sure you have clean underwear. On and packed if possible.

Shit, stick a pair in your glove box. Remember when your mother said always to wear clean underwear ? This is one of those instances. Even if you only have two pairs, it means you never have to go commando. I don’t care if it is your biggest pair of stained granny panties, clean is clean. And if all else fails and you can’t clean them at least you can turn them inside out.

Know where your cell phone charging cord is.

Not so you can call your loved ones, but so you can upload disaster pictures to Facebook and become an internet sensation.

Buy booze.

After all, it’s still a day off, even if it is the FrankenStormApocalypse. If im gonna go, Im gonna go with my good friend Svedka!

Umbrella? Forget about it.

80mph wind? Fine, get one but only if you are dressing up as Mary Poppins for Halloween and wish to fly away.

 

Carry a Machete.

Have we learned nothing from “The Walking Dead”.  Bullets run out and you may need to hack your way into a prison simply on your wit and machete wielding skills.  Remember kids, don’t end up like Sophia.

Feel free to add to my list below, especially if they’re funny!

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