What If….. Twilight Was Good?

I have a full review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 coming up shortly, but I had an idea while watching it.  This whole week I’ve been thinking about What If scenarios for the world of pop culture.  Probably because of the topic for this week’s League of Extraordinary Bloggers.  Which you can find out more here:

“What if…? — Write an alternate turn of events for a pop culture storyline.”


So what if Twilight was good?  Because I’ll tell you, these movies are slices of shit.  But what bothers me more is that in each film (I haven’t read the books nor do I care to) there are moments of brilliance.

First of all is the super powered vampires.  They can be out in the sun and they sparkle.  However, they can also run obscenely fast, have heightened senses and are ludicrously strong.  These uber vampires could destroy anything in their paths.  I’d buy a ticket now, numerous ones in fact, to see Avengers vs. Super Vampires.  Hell, I’d pay to see good super vampires vs. bad super vampires movies.  Which this should be.  But it isn’t.  Which leads me to…

In battles featuring super vampires vs other super vampires plus werewolves thrown into the mix, they are somehow boring.  Even the great effect where the breaking of vampire bones sounds like the shattering of glass is wasted.  The vampires fight without any more than their bodies, but why?!  If only a vampire is strong enough to rip the head off of another one, then some swords at the ends of those hands would yield even more destruction.  It can be done because the powers aren’t limited to vampirism.

Not to spoil too much for this franchise, but many of the vampires have extra powers.  The Uncanny X-Vampires are in the house!  Twilight: First Class.  If these creatures of the night are also going to be mutants than why not go all out?  I want to see some battles that put the X-Men to shame.  The only thing that could be better is if there was some evil shadowy group of vampires, much like the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.  Or the Marvel Illuminati.

Oh wait there is!  In another wasted idea the Cullen family of Twilight-lore often find themselves at odds with the Vulturi (or however its spelled, I cant be bothered to look up anything Twilight related).  This is an ancient order pulling the strings and puppeting the people (that sounded a lot better in my head) in ways that affect not only Edward’s family but must also effect vampires worldwide.

Screw this horrible abusive love story between Bella and Edward.  Its a horrible story.  However, this worldwide battle of warring super vampire clans could be amazing!  Am I asking too much?


Check out more from the League!

Random Nerdness



Goodwill Hunting 4 Geeks



Memories of Toymorrow



The Man Who Stares at Toys



Lair of the Dork Horde



Of Flying Monkeys






Cool and Collected



Rediscover the 80s



Infinite Hollywood






Travelling Pics



Crooked Ninja



Stranger with Friction




  1. I came for the Twilight-bashing, I stayed for that glorious poster of prego Edward.

    A’ight so here’s my Twilight background: I have read all of the books and have seen all the movies at least once. I genuinely enjoyed the first book strictly for the trashy romance appeal of it; it introduced some interesting/odd things into the vampire mythos (sparkles, WTF?) but as a teen romance novel, it was fluffy and entertaining and that’s all it really needed to be. Against better judgement, I went on to read the rest of the books because all I kept hearing about was how great they are, which is my mistake for trusting the judgement of Twi-hards. I absolutely hated the rest of the books, especially New Moon and Breaking Dawn, which took Herculean strength to get through. There are flickers of brilliance, but every time you think the story is about to get interesting or that Bella’s about to grow a spine, NOTHING HAPPENS. Nobody important dies, nobody’s character develops, nobody acts with any sort of sane, rational judgement…it’s just page after page after page of Bella’s endless internal monologue, whining and pining. The Bella/Edward/Jacob triangle is really what’s central to the story; all of the other characters are one-dimensional pawns that exist to further the romantic development between those three. These books are just romance novels masquerading as a fantasy story. That’s why none of the fantastical elements make any sense–and you know what? They don’t have to. Twi-hards don’t care as long as there’s enough dramatic license and opportunities for Edward/Jacob to swoop in and save the day.

    The movies are TERRIBLE because the books are TERRIBLE. It’s as simple as that.

    Also – Stephenie Meyer once stated in an interview that X-MEN is one of the things that inspired Twilight, so it’s really no wonder that she’s opted to give her vampires superhuman abilities.

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