How to Prepare for the Apocalypse

As I write this post, we are approximately one month away from the Mayan Calendar ending. Some have seen this as a sign of the dreadful “end times,” while the others, more scientific folk, see it as the anticlimactic beginning of a new long count calendar (You’re lame scientists.). Who will be right? Tough to say, but you’ll just have to wait for it on Pay-Per-View as the Scientists square off against the Spiritual! No holds barred! I’d make it a TLC match, but that’s a bit obvious, isn’t it?

However, it must be said: congratulations on making it this far. Death isn’t easy to ward off, especially for creatures that are essentially born to die (Save your Lana Del Rey references for the end, please.). Your religious views may impact how you interpret the word death, such as those that interpret it as a “new beginning;” good for you. Clearly, you’re going places in life and will continue to if you actually, in fact, die. Well of course you’ll die, your body dies. For those that don’t believe that some form of the human essence caries on, how unfortunate you are, but, thus, deserve a pat on the back for playing. I’d offer you a prize, but if it is indeed the apocalypse, you won’t have that long to enjoy it anyway, and if it isn’t, well, I would have just wasted money I don’t have to waste.

Before we get into our options as to what the apocalypse is, let’s go into the basics of what IT actually is. December 21, 2012 marks a cosmic event called the “galactic alignment.” In short, the sun aligns with the center of the Milky Way galaxy and has the potential to cause all kinds of shit to happen. If the poles shift, which some predict may happen, many environmental disasters could occur, including the moving of the Earth’s axis and possible solar flares from the sun. Word is, that if shit IS going down, it won’t be until 11:11 P.M. (Can I get a wish right now?). That’s a pretty lame time universe, I expect better.

Looks pretty doesn’t it? Well, IT COULD FUCKING KILL YOU!

Up above is the slightly less accurate/less complicated, scientific version of what could possibly happen on the specified date. If you don’t subscribe to this, you have three other options. Natural Disasters, God’s Judgement, or Aliens! Let’s take a look at each one of these options a little closer.

Nothing good can come from big balls falling out of the sky.

Natural Disaster

Are natural disasters anything new? No. In fact, the east coast was recently accosted by some bitch named Sandy. This time though, the magnitude of the word “disaster” is a lot more devastating  I’ve never felt that big balls falling out of the sky were a good thing, and I still don’t. But the world’s obsession with big objects coming close to our planet has permeated throughout our culture, at least since the History Channels started broadcasting such shows as The Nostradamus EffectBrad Meltzer’s Decoded, Ancient Aliens, and Monsterquest. Don’t ask me how Monsterquest fits into all of this, it just does. Aside from Asteroids, or big rocks on steroids, some have predicted the eruption of super volcanoes around the world. Yes, they would be burninating country sides all over the place, but their widespread effect is on the environment. A greater magnitude eruption (Hey, hey! Get your mind out of the gutter!), could lead to a volcanic winter and a new ice age. Wouldn’t be the first time in Earth’s history, but regardless, not the most pleasant experience either.

Pretty sure the guy on the red horse looks like Fabio.

God’s Judgement

Why do I feel like, when Jesus was talking to John, specifically, the Book of Revelation, the conversation sounded like something out of Office Space; “Yeah, I’m going to need to bring judgement upon the earth (Note that before that parenthesis, the word count for this post was at 666, that’s a bit freaky). Wonder if that means he’s going to be working weekends? Anyway, I’m getting off track; so, in the Book of Revelation, Jesus lays out a plan for the “end times,” which involves four dudes on horses, the number 666, and a point at which a demon rises and nobody dies. Sounds bad, right? Well, problem is that Jesus’ dad didn’t tell him when it was going to happen, therefore, we don’t really know when it’s going to happen. I wonder if it upsets Jesus that he comes back one more time, and all hell breaks loose, literally. Shazbot!

So free colonoscopies you didn’t ask for ends like this?!


So you were old enough to have listened to Orson Welles’ live performance of War of the Worlds and it freaked the hell out of you? Well,  the possibilities are endless where this is concerned, isn’t it? The Ancient Astronaut Theory movement is big on this, as well as pointing out that all gods come from the sky and aliens, just fucking aliens are responsible for everything! Well, many gods have said that they will return, Quetzalcoatl for example. He was Mayan. Could it be time to don the tinfoil hats and watch Signs over and over again till you think you’ve got it and then you suddenly realize that there is water in the atmosphere and that these aliens weakness to water is silly? Yeah, sure, if you want. Will it help? Probably not.

So, what should you do to prepare for the apocalypse? LIVE YOUR LIFE! If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. If you’re serious about this, well, simply put; Start reading up on science, pray to God, and try to align yourself with benevolent aliens. Consult Pat Lee’s Extraterrestrial Compendium as to which ones to trust (Psst! It’s not the Greys!). There are some, hopefully you can get a hold of them. I hear telepathy works for most. If you’re absolutely petrified, GET OFF THE PLANET! The world and yourself will be safer for it. Have a good one people, see you on the 22nd.


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