The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Monday Night Raw 12/10/12.

Alright, no time for long introductions.  You should all know how this works by now.  I’m the rapper, I break it down for you.  Solace Winter is the DJ, she keeps the times.

YeahBoy

Raw opens with Dolph Ziggler up on a ladder.  He’s changing the lights.  No, he’s cutting an anti John Cena promo and using the ladder as symbolism.  That’s good symbolism.  Saying anything about coal in a stocking with Michael Cole right there?  Not so much.  Coal. Cole.  Uma.  Oprah.

Anyways, someone finally gets sick of hearing Dolph talk, and its not his future opponent Cena.  No, Sheamus comes out instead.  Also, there are ladders set up everywhere.  Will they play a part in tonight’s show?  Eh, its wrestling so probably.  Sheamus says he’ll beat the Big Show.  Does anyone say anything other than that they’ll win?  Maybe that classic horrible Josh Matthews promo.

Big Show comes out in what may be his worst look ever.  Sleeveless hoodie.  It fails on every practical or engineering level. Sheamus continues his one man war against testicles.  He reminds the audience of what happened to Big Show on Smackdown.  Then Sheamus dumps the ladder Dolph is on and crotches him on the ropes.

DolphSplit

Mr McMahon is here again?  Oh no, what will he make Vickie Guerrero do now?!

AJ and Vickie Guerrero will have a match tonight.  I would let you know all about what Mr McMahon said but this was seen from so far away that the segment felt boring.  The match wont be, but getting there was a long walk when we all knew the destination.

Wade Barrett vs. R-Truth.

Kofi Kingston (IC champ) and Antonio Cesaro (US champ) join the announcers for this match.

No one pays attention to the match.  The announcers are too busy talking to the champions, and they are too busy arguing with each other.  Out of no where R-Truth rolls up Wade and surprises everyone with the quick pin.  Kofi splashes Wade afterwards just for fun. After great matches last week this was not a good night for any of the four men.

Wade Barrett vs. R-Truth – 1:53
Truth wins

Under a minute? For Wade?  And he loses?!  Unacceptable.

The Usos vs. Epico and Primo (with Rosa Mendes) vs. The Prime Time Players vs. Team Rhodes Scholars.  Winner is the #1 Contender for the tag team titles.

I’m shocked that the Usos win this match and then I remember that its an elimination bout.  Anyways, an Uso eliminates a Colon.  The Usos somehow eliminate the PTP as well.  Well I am thoroughly shocked by this match.  If the Usos knock off Cody and Damien I’ll truly believe anything can happen in WWE.

Yeah, that wont be happening tonight.  Cody hits the Cross Rhodes to take out the tiny push the Usos just had.  Team Rhodes Scholars vs Team Hell No at the PPV.  I am all for that.

Rhodes Scholars vs. Prime Time Players vs. The Usos vs. Epico & Primo – 7:41
“Cody’s Mustache!”
PTP eliminated during commercial
Rhodes pins an Uso

Its the pinfall during a commercial break that kills me here.  7 minutes for four teams, and three are eliminated?  This should have gone 10-12.  And all pinfalls occur on air.  WWE has spent so much time building back up the tag division, continue to show it some respect.

WWE Slammy Awards next week!  And be sure to vote in all of the Team Hellions polls!

Eve (Divas champion) vs. Alicia Fox.

I really forgot Eve was the champion.  Hell, I kind of forgot there is a title.

I give Alicia a lot of credit for constantly changing her look.  Sure we all remember the fur, but this sailor outfit is really flashy.  Good leap from, nice head scissors.  Fox has improved.  She’s working so well tonight I’m actually pissed off when she looses.  Alicia controls the match and hops up in the corner.  Then freezes.  Just nothing.  So of course Eve is going to pull her leg and yank her down.  One neck breaker later and Eve wins.

Alicia Fox vs. Eve – 2:26
Eve wins

A better competitor should have gotten more time.  But after Alicia got lost in the match under three minutes sounds just about right.

VictoryPose

She then grabs a camera man and pulls him in the ring to take pictures.  Alicia just rolls around and tries to not be seen in the photos.  Get up and move Alicia!  As nice as her ring work was tonight, she forgot how to react as a normal person.

Crutch Man Punk comes out, with Paul Heyman and other bandages.  I pick on Punk, long time readers know I worship at the tour bus altar.  Mrs Hellions is in the room and asked who Paul Heyman is.  The Rise and Fall of ECW DVD may find its way into a player this week.  They talk about Punk’s injury and how it doesn’t matter if he’s injured or not, no one can take the title away from him.  Punk says he will be at TLC and he will be front and center to watch the Shield.  Shit, I’m going to be right there too.  Oh!  I just saw that I have Sunday and Monday off of the day job.  Well then I’ll be watching this one immediately.

The 10th Anniversary of WWE Tribute to the Troops is next week.  Alright, I’ll give credit for that one.

Dolph Ziggler (Mr Money in the Bank) vs. Sheamus

This match took place because Sheamus said, if I cant touch you I’ll find someone who will touch me!

Well that’s it.  WWE has almost ruined Dolph for me.  He’s lost so often and has been booked so poorly in recent months that all I can expect here is for him to lose this one as well.  Honestly, there’s no way that Sheamus is going to lose before a World title match.  Either Dolph loses or someone interferes.  Neither of these ideas are getting me interested in the match.

Just as predicted.  Dolph takes Sheamus off the top and dumps him right on his head, yet still Sheamus kicks out.  Even after that he attempts White Noise and the Cloverleaf.  Thankfully Dolph fights out but Sheamus should be selling more.  A backbreaker only gets a two.  Sheamus runs for a Brogue Kick but Dolph ducks out of the ring.  Then he gets a chair and that’s it for this match.  Sheamus wins by DQ and yeah that’s pretty much all I expected.  Very disappointed in this match.

Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler – 11:42
Ziggler disqualified

Almost 12 minutes for disappointment like this?  If you’re going to have a screwy ending, the match should be short.  The fans invest so much time into one bout they want to feel rewarded at the end.  Not cheated.

Oh as if the last match wasn’t predictable.  Zack Ryder vs. Alberto Del Rio.

Zack is doing a good job.  I am enjoying the Lets go Ryder Woo Woo Woo chant as well.  Zack is a master of head locks and that is so far the extent of his offense.  Del Rio comes back, as expected, but now the match goes somewhere different.  That different place is the fact that the match is still going on.  Ryder keeps coming back and keeps kicking out.  Its an extended ass kicking.  An ass kicking nonetheless, but you have to respect Zack for not rolling over.

Zack goes for the Broski Boot and things have been taking place for just long enough that for a brief moment everyone thinks maybe Ryder can win this.  Nope.  Del Rio dodges the Boot and locks on the arm breaker instead.  Much credit to Ryder for his work tonight though.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Zack Ryder – 6:29
Ryder loses

I cant believe Ryder got almost 7 minutes on Raw.  And looked good.  Del Rio needs long matches just to get warmed up.  My second favorite match of the night and a well timed one also.

AJ Lee vs. Vickie Guerrero.

Wait a minute, I don’t see a referee.  Hmmm….. Sure enough, Brad Maddox is on his way to the ring.   Chances are he’ll count down AJ and hope Vickie hires him to wrestle on Raw.  I love AJ for being AJ.  And I love Vickie as one of the best heels in wrestling.  But this is not a good match.  Vickie’s skills are very limited but they are both busting  their asses to make something work.

AJ slaps Vickie so hard the match should be over.  But of course Brad wont drop down to count.  Vickie rolls up AJ form behind and Maddox hits the quick 3 count.  Well that was all to be expected.  Michael Cole says its the most obscene thing he’s ever seen.  I have some videos to send you Cole.  He goes on to say AJ has family in the audience tonight.  Are these the same family members that caused her to be homeless?  I may neither want nor care if they saw me.  AJ gets all sorts of pissed off and crazy over this loss and starts to throw tables ladders and chairs around.  Then she slaps Justin Roberts!  She must have won the raffle.

AJ vs. Vickie – 2:12
Vickie wins through cheating, don’t care, happy

The match is what it is.  If this story could come across in 30 seconds or 10 minutes it didn’t really matter.  The point was to get Maddox over as a heel and showcase crazy AJ who has been dormant for a few weeks.

AJEyes

Backstage, AJ is still flipping out.  Maybe John Cena’s penis can calm her.  Sure as shit, here comes the president of the Cenation.

Kofi Kingston (Intercontinental champion) vs. Antonio Cesaro (US champion).

Oh please give me something better than that previous match.  I meant better than Truth vs. Wade but yeah, how about better than AJ vs Vickie as well.  I really don’t see how people don’t like Antonio.  Great mat wrestling, high impact moves, always knows where he is and is trying to progress the match with every move.  I’ve yet to see him in a bad match.  These two are going back and forth in what is the match of the night.  Oh look Antonio had some of my favorite matches in previous weeks as well.  What a non coincidence.

Oh that was fantastic!  Kofi hits an SOS and I’m shocked to see Antonio get beat this way.  Thankfully Cesaro sticks his hand out and grabs the rope on the two count.  Not as shocked as I was by the next move though!  Wow!  Kofi comes off the top and not only does Antonio catch him, but he spins Kofi down for a back breaker too.  Each and every week Antonio Cesaro is the highlight of my WWE watching.

Oh and that’s all it takes too!  One neck pop later and the Neutralizer and that is it for Kofi.  Clean pin too!  Hot damn that was good.

Kofi Kingston vs. Antonio Cesaro – 10:17
Cesaro wins

Yeah!  10 minutes with Antonio!  Best match of the night and they used each and every second they had.  If I saw this match live I would have thought it was a half hour long.  Great craftsmanship.  And lets give it up for Kofi too!

Its an all new episode of Miz TV with special guests, Team Rhodes Scholars.  I apologize for earlier tonight when I thought this meant Rhodes Scholars were now number one contenders.  Which is dumb, because the tag champs are in the main event at TLC.  No no, they have a match to be Number One contenders.  VS Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio.

Winner of the Ron Swanson look a like contest!
Winner of the Ron Swanson look a like contest!

Cody has a mustache!  He looks like a young B Brian Blair.  Of course Miz looks like a thinner Brother Love in that outfit.  Mrs Hellions on Cody’s mustache:  “That’s not a mustache.  Someone had a little too much chocolate milk.  Who let him go out on TV with that peach fuzz?”

Miz cuts deep this week.  Cody’s shadow and the dissension is some of the best mic work of the week.  Cody returns some good work as well.  Miz’s face turn will be a success if he’s allowed to continue being an asshole, but to heels instead.  Miz dubs them “the pink and the stink”.  There’s a horrible story from college with a similar name.

AJ wants to be in John Cena’s corner for his upcoming match.  Give her your hotel key and have her wait there!

Divas #1 Contender Santa’s Little Helper Divas Battle Royal on the TLC pre show.  Sold!  What, its on YouTube and free?!  Even better!

John Cena vs. The Big Show (World Champion).  Dolph Ziggler joins for commentary.

Alright, we know Show wont lose nor Cena.  And these guys have fought before.  Many times.  Dolph is doing pretty well on the headset.  So lets jump ahead to when Dolph interferes or the Shield comes out or something.

John Cena kicks out.  Show gets frustrated and starts yelling at the fans.  Show gets the KO Punch ready but Cena avoids it and powers the giant up for the AA.  John drops in exhaustion and that’s when the Shield hits the ring.  Match ends via DQ.  Lets paraphrase Michael Cole and edit for accuracy.  There were rumors all day long that the Shield was here!  I mean, they’re in the main event in 6 days and they’re one of the biggest things in wrestling, so why wouldn’t they be here tonight?!

Big Show vs. John Cena – 10:22
Shield interferes

Again, I don’t like long matches with bullshit endings.  I want to see some winners and losers.  If it has to be a bullshit ending, then give me a shorter match and thus that gives more time for the angle that is being crafted.  Two on the same show really set me off.

 

The Shield beats down John Cena.  Team Hell No comes out to try to help.  Dolph Ziggler gets in on this and goes after Cena.  Big Show goes after John as well.  Sheamus runs out to even up the odds and attacks Dolph because he cant touch Show.  Cena spears Show through a table.  Shield has Team Hell No down.  The fans start chanting Feed Me More because that’s all that’s left.  Finally here comes the Ryback.  Ryback tosses a ladder and that knocks the Shield down long enough for him to get in the ring and start throwing meat hooks.  Raw goes off the air with everyone fighting.

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