The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Raw 12/17/12. Slammy Awards!

BigELangston

 

Well fans I cant sleep and enough information slipped through the cracks of Facebook and Twitter that have now combined to ensure I will stay up as long as it takes me to finish watching every bit of this three hour Slammy Award edition of WWE Monday Night Raw.

The announcers for tonight are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL.  They are all in suits because that is just how important the Slammys are.

The only way to vote tonight is to get the WWE App.  So if you don’t have a really cool phone you’re fucked.

Get ready for the ring work numbers as provided by Solace Winter!

Rey Mysterio (with Sin Cara) vs. Damien Sandow (with Cody Rhodes).

Little too easy a match.  No one gets involved.  Damien doesn’t seem to click as well with Rey as one would have expected or hoped.  Faster than I can write the words down the match is over.  Rey hits 619 and a splash and this match is all over.  Why so fast?

Rey Mysterio vs. Damien Sandow – 3:10
Mysterio wins

I’m shocked this match went 3 minutes.  Seemed a lot shorter while watching it.  The 3 minutes is the usual amount of time for these matches, but this felt like a minute, minute and a half.  Bit of a waste of a match as well.

Oh that’s why.  Because we need to hype this ridiculous WWE App even more.

Booker T presents the Tell Me I Didn’t Just See That Award.  Brad Maddox heel referee, Sheamus beating Daniel Bryan in 18 seconds, Kofi at the Royal Rumble, CM Punk takes down the Rock.

Its the Boogeyman!  The Boogeyman has come out for no good reason.  And he has worms still too!  And now we go to commercial.  Well that was weird.

Back from commercial and it looks like the Boogeyman is already gone.  Alright.  Oh, that was all just enough time for everyone to vote on the App.  Brad Maddox comes out.  I swear I thought it was Eric Bischoff for a moment.  Brad doesn’t win it though.  No, Kofi gets this one.  Kofi Kingstone as Booker T says.  Kofi gives a speech and Brad just walks away.  So far this is a very bizarre Raw.

Did I miss the Divas getting introduced?  What the hell is happening tonight?

Eve Torres (Divas champion) vs. Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn is kicking Eve’s ass.  She really should have a title run at some point.  Eve has darkened her hair and it looks good on her.  Kaitlyn continues to sport her blonde and black look, inspired by such follicle legends as Hulk Hogan and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Kaitlyn fights out of the corner and just deadlifts Eve out of there.  Well that was impressed.  Not necessarily as impressive as the press slam onto her knee though.  Oh and Kaitlyn actually gets the pin too!  I’m actually shocked.  Happy about this but shocked.  Oh shit and then she does Eve’s pose too.  That’s how you build a match!  When are they going to do this again for the title?  I will be there.  Or watch.  More likely watch.

Eve vs. Kaitlyn – 2:06
Kaitlyn wins

For a match that was surprisingly good, and from two women that are on a roll this week, this match should have gotten more time.  Not like the next few matches got all of the time and that’s why this one suffered.  Hopefully some faith is put into the ladies and they’re given something crazy like 8 minutes.

KaitlynPose

Presenting Comebakc of the Year… the New Age Outlaws?!   Nice.  We knew Road Dogg had signed to work backstage, and I guess this confirms the rumors about Billy Gunn.  Really, losing the Road Dogg is one of TNA’s many and worst blunders.  Billy Gunn reads his lines off his hand.  Dig at the Rock?

The nominees are Brock Lesnar, Chris Jericho, DX, Jerry Lawler.

Commercial break so everyone can vote on their apps.  Oh and then they come back with that phony awards show voice over thing? Ugh, that’s just.  Ugh.  And on a wrestling show no less.

Anyways, Jerry wins this award.  As expected and deserved.

Kofi has new logos that say “I Can Fly”.  Where is his Wildcat logo?!

Kofi Kingston (Intercontinental champion) vs. Tensai.

Well Tensai didn’t even get an introduction, so that doesn’t look too good.  How is this going in the arena?  Are the guys coming down with their entrance music while the award presenters just wait to come back from break?

Tensai is going as all out as he can.  Power, some speed, but damn.  Like a hiccup, Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise.  That’s about it.  This was an absurdly quick match.

Kofi Kingston vs. Tensai – 1:06
Kofi wins

Just over a minute?!  Oh poor Tensai.  Alright, squash matches are back, its just not who you would think that’s getting squashed.  Best of luck in your next gimmick Tensai.

Kofi celebrates but the live crowd sees something the TV crowd doesn’t.  Wade Barrett runs out and yanks Kofi’s legs out from the ropes.  Kofi takes a fall and never recovers from that.  Wade smacks Kofi around the outside and ends it with the Bull Hammer.  One heel move and he looks stronger than he did just last night.  Well done Wade.

Vickie Guerrero comes out in a very tight dress to present the next award.  I get the heel heat, but damn.  If you saw her down the street your only thought would be that is one hot MILF.   Well done Vickie.

Kiss of the year nominees: AJ and Daniel Bryan, AJ and Kane, AJ and CM Punk, AJ and John Cena.  I think AJ will win half of this award this year.  That’s right, I’m going out on a limb here!

VickieAJ

AJ and John Cena win.  AJ comes out solo, which should probably be expected after the events of last night.  Vickie wants an explanation from AJ after what she did last night.  Um, what she did helped John to win.  So why would you care why she did it?  Fact is she did it. Yay Dolph wins!  Vickie says AJ is trash.  AJ gets picked up weekly!  Dolph Ziggler comes out to separate the two.  AJ jumps on Dolph and starts making out with him.  Dolph tries not to but he just has to give it back.  Can you blame the guy?  AJ bounces off with her award.  AJ may be the missing piece for Dolph’s World title win.

The Great Khali (with Natalya) vs. David Otunga.

HA!  Oh poor David.  Alright, lets see how long he lasts.  Bounce off the ropes, big chop and David is down.  Big Khali chop in the corner.  Another one.  Khali goes for a boot but Otunga moves and Khali is caught up on the ropes.  David takes advantage and starts to take the big man down.  Maybe I was wrong about this match.  Otunga is getting it done.  Oh, no, nevermind, he ran into an elbow. Then a boot.  Then a hand.  Finally a chop and Otunga is done.

Khali vs. David Otunga – 1:55
Khali, duh

I understand putting Khali on TV.  Indian audience, freak of nature, blah blah.  But he is still the most worthless wrestler on the roster.  No skill, just a freak show.  Doing a match of any longer length would just run the risk of serious injury to his opponent.  I suppose if he has to be on here, this is about all the time he should be allowed.

Superstar of the Year:  Sheamus, John Cena, CM Punk, Big Show.

The presenter, and returning to WWE – Ric Flair!

John Cena wins.  Flair calls him “my man!”  I just doubt that.  Well, maybe not.  Work hard, wrestle every night, party later in the night, and have sex with beautiful women.  Maybe Cena and Flair have more in common than I thought.

So much so, that Cena gives his Superstar of the Year award to Ric Flair.  Ric will be selling that off to pay for a divorce soon enough. Flair asks the fans why they don’t like Cena more.  Ouch.  That is not a Flair like thing to say.  CM Punk comes out with Paul Heyman.  He gets right in Flair’s face and cuts that near shoot promo style that only Punk can do right now.  Ric Flair has never been one to back down, and he heads to the ring!  Punk follows him and what the hell is about to happen here?

Punk hits Flair with a crutch and then breaks it over Ric’s back.  The dirtiest player in the game may be in too deep.  Flair comes back with a thumb to the eye and that’s enough for Punk to fall back off the one good leg.  Ric Flair locks Paul Heyman in a classic Figure Four and this has become the best Ric Flair moment in 3-4 years.  Sorry TNA.

Ric Flair cuts a return promo.  He’s happy to see Lawler, happy to be back in WWE and happy to be in Philadelphia.  The Shield comes out and Flair wont back down.  These three took out everyone last night, Ric stands no chance.

Back from commercial and Team Hell No has come out to save Flair.  Ric is going toe to toe with Dean Ambrose.  That’s all you need to know.  Pay attention to Dean for all of next year.

Team Hell No is taken out and the Shield focuses entirely on Ric Flair.  They prepare the announce table and get ready to do the 3 man power bomb but finally Ryback is out.  Ryback press slams Seth Rollins onto the announce table.  It has been a painful 24 hours for Seth Rollins.  The Shield has been fought off and last night’s losers plus Ric Flair stand tall in the ring.  Hell of a segment.

Kane and Ryback lift Flair up on their shoulders.  As they are of different heights, its a little awkward but a great homecoming for Naitch.

Backstage there are now three dueling chants.  Yes! No! and Woooooo!!!!  There’s only one thing that could be added to that.  Damn!

Brodus Clay (with Naomi and Cameron) vs JTG.

JTG is on the outside just watching the Funkadactyls.  JTG may be my new hero.

JTG gets in a little bit of offense but it was not much more than a charity move from Brodus.  Clay destroys JTG for the rest of this brief match.  A big splash and this match is over rather quickly.  Kids dance with the dinosaur posse.

Brodus Clay vs. JTG – 1:50
Clay. Duh.

Oh poor JTG.  Much better wrestler than Brodus yet so much farther down the roster.  Nothing Brodus has shown me leads me to believe he’ll hold a title at any point in WWE.  Its a fun act, but that two minutes goes a long way.  No, no I’m good Brodus.  We don’t need to dance again on Smackdown.  In fact, I’d be fine if you just danced once a month.

Santino Marella and Tensai to present the LOL moment of the year?!  And then Tensai trips on the way out?  And he’s wearing a hot water bottle to reduce swelling from the Trouble in Paradise?  Shockmaster 2K12 is in the house!  “Albert”  Oh and even worse, “Fat Albert”.  Is this the start of a new character for Tensai?  It may be needed.

Nominees:  The Rock throws out Cena’s merchandise, Team Hell No therapy sessions, Randy Orton attacks Del Rio and dumps food on Ricardo, Vickie Guerrero dances.

The Rock wins for moment of the year and…. yup he’s not there.  The fans boo his lack of appearance.  Hmmm, maybe his match against CM Punk wont be as clear cut as we think.   Daniel Bryan comes out just to yell no.  Kane takes him away.

Sin Cara (with Rey Mysterio) vs. Cody Rhodes (with Damien Sandow).

Sin Cara should only get that bathed blue lighting when he’s in a squash match.  Once his opponent starts to dominate, as a better wrestler like Cody no doubt will, the lights should go away.  In fact why not have the colors alternate depending on how well he’s doing in the match?

Cody controls the match for awhile but Sin Cara starts to fight back.  He tries to get the crowd behing him but it just isn’t happening.  Maybe because they can barely see him.  Speaking of not being able to see things, Sin Cara damn sure didn’t see Cross Rhodes coming.  Yet there it is, and Cody picks up the win.  Thankfully.

Cody Rhodes vs. Sin Cara – 4:14
Rhodes wins

Four minutes for Sin Cara?  Again, speaking of men with limited abilities.  Unless he’s in a tag team match limit Sin Cara to one or two minutes.  Cody however could go 10 easily with almost anyone.  With the right opponent, I could see 20 or 30.  Mustache provides an extra 5 minutes of stamina.

More on this WWE App.  I should download the App and then put in into the new App category, beating a dead horse.

Zack Ryder and Layla are here to present the next award.  Zack looks like, well Zack and Layla has lightened up her hair and spent a good amount of money on a new dress. And more on the WWE App!  Sonofabitch!

Trending Now Hashtag of the Year nominees:  #FeedMeMore #PeoplePower #LittleJimmy #WWWYKI

Ryback wins but doesn’t come out to accept.  Must have been feeding time.

Big Show comes out and brings the World’s Largest Chair with him.  He cuts a lackluster promo and the fans get on him for it.  Sheamus comes out to save us all.  Sheamus says Big Show was better last night and shakes hands in respect.  Big Show calls him a potato eater!  Scandalous!  Sheamus reacts like its his own personal “n-word”.  Take down, Brogue Kick, chairs, I think he even threw some corned beef on Big Show at one point.  Sheamus leaves strong and Show is left laying.  Again, which one of these two men is being booked stronger and thus looks more like a champion?>

Dolph Ziggler runs out with the MITB case!  Aw shit what timing!  And then John Cena runs out to ruin it!  Cena comes out and clotheslines Dolph.  Then tosses Ziggler against every ring wall he can find.  Cena walks off as Super Cena once again and Dolph is left laying.

3MB vs. Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez), The Miz, and….?

Miz reminds everyone that we are in Philadelphia, and its time to take things to the  Extreme.  I start to mark out.  Who can it be?!

Before we can find out we see Dolph talking to Vickie backstage.  Vickie is all upset and wants to know what Dolph has going on with AJ.  We all want to know.  Dolph is tired of arguing with Vickie and he ends their relationship.  Oh its not even a face turn, its just being hurtful.

Its Tommy Dreamer!

Miz and Del Rio build up a bit for Tommy getting into the match.  Dreamer looks fantastic.  Quicker than he’s been in years and very obviously thrilled to be there.  Del Rio dives to the outside?!  I’m shocked.  But not as shocked as I am to see Dreamer flying off the top to the floor!  The fans start to chant ECW.  As much as that name has been tarnished, and dragged through the mud, at its heart those three initials still matter.

Back from commercial and 3MB has regained control of the match.  They work over Miz and the fans are still getting used to cheering for Miz to get the hot tag.  Miz is still a couple weeks away from getting the slow clap.

Miz works most of the match and eventually gets in to Del Rio.  Alberto cleans house and very easily takes out all of 3MB.  Del Rio is about to lock on the arm breaker but Dreamer begs to get into the match.  Alberto sees the lighter side and tags in Tommy.  One DDT later and the Hardcore Legend gets a great homecoming win.

3MB vs. Miz, Alberto Del Rio, & Tommy Dreamer – 10:40

I got to see Tommy Dreamer on Raw in 2012.  I don’t care how long this match went, I was going to love it.  10 minutes is pretty great though.  Lets hear it for 10 minute Tommy matches every week!

Sheamus comes out to present Newcomer of the Year:  Antonio Cesaro, Brodus Clay, Damien Sandow, Ryback.

Well, I think we all know who will win this.  To the surprise of no one, its the Ryback.  Ryback says he is that change.  Yes.  I have never before seen an over muscled man with a limited move set move to the top of WWE.  Its unheard of!

Ryback vs. Antonio Cesaro (US champion).

Well this will be interesting.

And it is.  This may be Ryback’s best match so far.  Antonio is a great wrestler, but he also has the skill to make his opponent look good too.  He picks up Ryback but takes a beating too.  And Cesaro is not a small man, yet Ryback is just tossing him with ease.  Oh damn shame this match has to end that way, but both of these guys need to look strong.  Antonio walks away and gets counted out.  Not a bad booking choice.  Not a bad personal choice either.

Ryback vs. Antonio Cesaro – 2:34

Does this match even count?  Antonio runs off and so what does it matter how long the match was?  It could have been 30 seconds or 30 minutes, but if the guy is going to walk off then it doesn’t matter how long the match runs.

Mean Gene Okerlund comes out to present, along with Ricky the Dragon Steamboat.  Hell, lets bring out Good Ole’ JR as well.  These three men will present the Match of the Year award.  Undertaker vs. Triple H – End of an Era, Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena, Sheamus vs. Big Show, Rock vs. Cena – Once in a Lifetime.

Where is CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan?!

The winner is Undertaker vs. Triple H and here comes Hunter to accept the award.  Damn, this is the first time Triple H has appeared on WWE TV since getting his infamous haircut.  That was one hell of a match though.  Hunter drops the bombshell that we have not seen the last of the Undertaker.  I’m thinking WrestleMania just got signed.

We jump to backstage and the Shield is beating the shit out of Tommy Dreamer.  Damn you Tommy, always will ing to take the beating and put someone else over. When will you be put over though?  Ricardo of all people attempts the save first and he’s also beat down.  WWE officials get the beating to stop and the Shield leaves.  (For now?)

AJ comes bouncing out for her match, but she insists on a ladder being brought into the ring first.  Somehow AJ is calling the shots, but does anyone really complain?

Back from break and AJ is atop this very high ladder.  AJ does this amazing job of seeming creepy and yet adorable.  She is just about to explain herself when Vickie Guerrero comes out and cuts her off.  Before Vickie and AJ can go at it, their tag team partner arrive.

Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee vs. John Cena and Vickie Guerrero.

John and Dolph have a brief exchange.  Dolph takes one hit too many though and tags AJ in.  Which means Vickie has to come in as well.  Vickie attacks AJ and she has had enough.  AJ takes off and heads to the back.  Vickie leaves too, probably figures without AJ why bother being out here?  Its down to Cena vs. Ziggler.

Dolph is doing some fine work and controlling this unplanned one on one match.  Dolph backs up so he can set up a super kick, but he takes way too much time for it.  John ducks that and comes back with an STF.  As Dolph is locked in, AJ comes back and she is not alone.  AJ brings with her the Raw debut of NXT Superstar Big E Langston.  He is big.  He stuffs Cena’s running charge, then hits his altered RKO slam thing (cant wait to hear the name for that one) on Cena.  AJ bounces around the ring and celebrates her master plan.  Damn if the rest of us know what that is though.

John Cena & Vickie Guerrero vs. Dolph Ziggler & AJ Lee – 4:26

Again, if people walk off does it matter how long the match was?  This isn’t even a match.   This is set up for the next chapter of the AJ show.  Granted, I’ll be turning in for it but the story does not yield great matches nor great match times.

TeamAJ

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