The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for the 2013 WWE Elimination Chamber PPV.

YAY!  I am wide awake and the wife is asleep.  That means its time to watch the Elimination Chamber pay per view.  In theory anything can happen.  Probably not though.  Rock is most likely to win.  But lets cross our fingers and hope for some crazy shit.

On with the review!

First up, the pre show!

Tony Dawson (who?) and Matt Striker will be our hype hosts to get that last minute orders in.  Besides recaps what will you see that’s new?  Randy Orton is interviewed and he thinks he’ll win.

Team Rhodes Scholars come in and remind us that they are split up as a team.  Really I’m so confused.  This is a reunion match.  Kind of like when Triple H was drafted to Smackdown, never appeared on it and one week later made his dramatic return to Raw.  I think these cheerleader outfits are what pushed me over to be a fan of the Funkadactyls.  Tensai gets a goofy hat and is playing the reluctant partner.

I am not feeling this announcer at all.  No emotion in his voice at all.  Where’s Scott?

Tensai is playing the smaller man role here.  Get beat down and tag in his partner for the hot tag.  Cody and Damien are doing damn well against him.

Cody comes running in just as Tensai gets the hot tag, and did he fall?  Rather strange.  Tensai and Brodus double squash Damien, then give Cody double headbutts and double splashes.  Well that definitely was enough to win this match.  I’m liking the team so far but I’ll like them even more if they were both heels.

Matt Striker calls them the big bad booty daddies?  Why would you upset his freaks and his peaks?

More hype videos for what we’ll be seeing later tonight.  Alright, that’s enough of the pre show lets get to the main event!

Seriously, how is the Shield vs Justice League match not in the Chamber?

The Elimination Chamber match has gotten more hype than the World title match.  Its not a spot in the main event of WrestleMania they’re battling for.  Its a spot in the opening match.

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Alberto Del Rio (World champion) vs. The Big Show.

Big Show is clubbering Del Rio down.  As Del Rio is built up to be the new people’s champion Big Show needs to look that much bigger.  That much more dangerous.  And its working.  His big frying pan hands come crashing down on Del Rio’s chest with the force of 100 normal sized hands.  Del Rio comes back with kicks and begins to mount a comeback with well placed running kicks to the face.  His feet may be a weapon that can equal Big Show’s size in its devastating potential.

Big Show responds with a spear big enough to take down the mightiest of elephants.  Alberto barely kicks out, but kick out he does and continues to fight.  Big Show stuffs Del Rio’s brief offense and now slows down the pace of the match.  He is a giant, there’s no need to rush.  One step is the length of two or thee strides from anyone else.  Thus he takes his time, and yet gets to his destinations just as fast.

I may have spoken too soon and Big Show may have taken too much time.  Del Rio bounces back and locks on his signature arm bar. Show struggles for the ropes but cannot grasp them with his hands.  He swings his tree trunk of  a leg out and closes the gap to break the hold.

Del Rio launches himself off of the ropes hoping momentum is in his favor but Big Show catches him and begins to wear the champion down with a bear hug.  Show tosses Alberto down and harasses Ricardo Rodriguez.  This may be the move that comes back to haunt him.  Del Rio comes back and not only hits a hurracanrana on Big Show, an impressive enough move on his own.  He also topes to the outside and takes the giant down.

Big Show barely makes it back into the ring at the 9 count.  Del Rio launches himself off the turnbuckle with a seated senton but that’s only enough for a two count.  Big Show stops the kick follow up and answers with a massive choke slam.  The fans hold their breath and can only breathe again at the count of 2 and 7/8ths of a 3 count.  Alberto almost gets up into a KO punch but falls back out of the ring just in time to avoid it.  Big Show brings the champion back into the ring.  Del Rio avoids a choke slam, fumbles for position with Big Show and finally gets a DDT out of his struggle.

Del Rio may have the best kicks in WWE since Rob Van Dam.  His feet lead to yet another two count but its still not enough.  Alberto tries for the arm bar again and Big Show struggles for the ropes.  Neither his arms nor feet can reach.  He bends his arm and gains a dominant position, picking up Del Rio with the trapped arm and dropping the champion from 7 feet up down to the mat.

Big Show kicks Ricardo off of the ring apron and then holy Botchamania!  Del Rio tries to launch off the ropes to kick his bucket into Big Show’s head but misses the first time.  He connects the second and starts to beat Big Show down.  Del Rio locks on the Arm bar once again and hopes the third time is a charm.  Big Show reaches for the ropes but that bucket shot from earlier must have scrambled his short term memory, because he forgets how to break the hold.

The Big Show has no choice but to tap out to the arm bar and Del Rio remains World champion.

Time is wasted talking to the Rock’s co stars in GI Joe Retaliation.  I’m looking forward to the movie a lot.  But that’s not what I watch WWE for.

Antonio Cesaro (US champion) vs. The Miz

Miz has himself all taped up, selling the last two weeks of stories.

I think Antonio might just be quicker than the Miz.  Miz tries to get something going but Cesaro catches him and drops Miz across the knee with a shoulder breaker.  Antonio starts to pick his opponent apart and attack that shoulder.  Then he continues to put on the better performance.  Antonio seems faster and stronger than the Miz tonight.  This baby face change is not paying off.  Cesaro gets a couple two counts but the Miz still has plenty of fight left.

Miz is fighting back quite well, and should have the crowd solidly behind him thanks to this fortitude.  Antonio is bending and twisting that arm every which way but the Miz wont give up.  He keeps trying to fight back no matter what.  The fight goes to the outside and this is where Miz finds an advantage.  He drives Antonio into the ring steps, and the champion may have injured his knee.  Hey, doesn’t Miz have a new finisher that involves the knee?

Back in the ring Miz keeps attacking the knee and Antonio keeps going for the shoulder.  The fight gets more intense and Antonio kicks Miz off of him.  Miz hits Antonio right in the crotch on the way down and Cesaro complains to the referee about it.  And the referee disqualifies Miz?!  Really?!  This just happened?  A title match is going to end due to an accidental hit in the nuts?  I love Antonio and while I don’t think Miz’s character is working right now I would be all for a title change just to see what happens next.  But a DQ?  Horseshit ending.

Daniel Bryan and Kane talk backstage about who should be in the Chamber and being happy and all the usual shit.  I hope these two go all out at the inevitable match against each other.  They possibly agree to watch each other’s back in the Elimination Chamber match.  I bet they are the two that start the bout.

The Elimination Chamber is next?!  Holy shit.  So that will leave WWE, Divas, and the non Chamber 6 man?  There is going to have to be another match added to the card.  The Divas match is a buffer in between two of three of these huge matches.  There’s going to have to be another one.  Interesting booking tonight.

“Approximately every four minutes” a new pod will open.  Approximately?  What in the hell?  Are they measuring time with an hour glass?

Jack Swagger is out first, with his new music and his new Dutch.  Was Zeb doing his taxes, got hit pretty bad, and begged WWE for a job?  Very strange to see him in the company again out of no where.  Jack and Zeb cut a promo.  Jerry Lawler asks what effect Zeb will have on the match.  Um, none.  Its in a massive cage.  Chances are he wont be involved in any way.

EliminationChamber01

Kane is out next.  Followed by Mark Henry.  Randy Orton is the last man in a pod.

This means the match will start with Daniel Bryan vs. Chris Jericho.  Damn that’s going to be good.

They go at it both like veterans and also like men half their ages.  Fast paced but countering everything.  Putting together a story with each move.  Just the tease of driving their opponent into the chains or steel flooring gets the crowd excited.  A great great opening for this match.

Jack Swagger is next to be released.  Swagger attacks Jericho right away and beats him down enough to focus his attention on Bryan.  Jack’s aggression is scary.  He beats Jericho against the steel with anger.  If it wasn’t for Daniel coming off the ropes to clothesline Swagger then Jack may have taken Jericho out of this match.  Bryan and Jericho rekindle their chemistry from earlier in the match.  Just long enough to stall for the fourth man.

Kane is released next.  Kane goes after Jericho first and then Swagger.  He sandwiches them in the corner and drops both men.  Daniel and Kane begin to team up and help each other keep their challengers down.  Bryan is the first to break this partnership when he sneaks up behind Kane and attempts the school boy roll up.  Kane pops out, but is quite angry.

Team Hell No focus on each other.  The title shot is more important than their team or their friendship.  Both Kane and Daniel look strong and either man could come out on top if this were a one on one.  Jericho comes back to assist Kane.  Swagger gets up to try to sneak in a pin.  Jack Swagger looks impressive next to Kane.  This gives a great appreciation for just how big Swagger is in life.

Randy Orton is next to be released.  Randy attacks everyone and hopes to get someone down for good.  Orton takes Kane and hits the rope assisted DDT to the steel floor.  It hurts Orton just as much if not more than it hurt Kane.  Nasty move.  Kane is down.  Orton squares off with Swagger while Jericho battles with Bryan.  From opposite corners we get dueling super-plexes.  Everyone is down and Mark Henry is banging against the glass, ready to destroy what remains.

Mark Henry is finally released and that’s all six men.  Every man gets a headbutt or a clobbering forearm.  Except for Kane, who is still down.  Daniel Bryan eats a slam and is eliminated from the match.  Mark Henry throws Randy through the plastic glass and the Viper crumbles into the pod.  It will be amazing if he gets up.

Kane has risen and trades blows with Mark Henry.  Kane looks to have this monster beat but Mark catches him coming off the top.  Mark Henry reverses the clothesline into a World’s Strongest Slam and Kane is eliminated.

Chris Jericho and Jack Swagger team up to run Henry into the steel.  Its amazing Mark didn’t collapse through the steel floor after a double suplex.  Jericho continues to impress and shows why he can make anyone look good.  Chris and Swagger have a brilliant exchange and I’d like to see a long match between these two.  Jericho goes to springboard off the ropes but Mark Henry catches him and re-enters this match.  Mark beats down Swagger and Jericho and a hush of concern falls over the crowd.

Mark stacks his two opponents up and climbs the ropes.  He drops for the splash but both men slide out of the way.  One big kick, then a Code Breaker, then an RKO by the recovered Orton and Mark Henry has been taken out of the match.

Mark Henry exits the cage, to the cheers of the WWE Universe.  Not cheering his leaving, but cheering his impressive performance.  Mark turns around and comes back to give everyone a World’s Strongest Slam.  Booker T and Teddy Long come out to assist in removing this beast.  The fans cheer for him even harder now.

Swagger crawls over and tries to pin Orton, but he comes back at the two.  All three men are back up now and trading punches.  Jericho and Orton team up on Swagger.  His shoulder hits the ring post but his head hits the pod.  A nasty bump.  Jericho and Orton go after each other with both men showing great respect and resiliency.

Two counts all the way around and all three men get the frustration.  Wondering what more they have to do, or someone else has to do, to keep their opponent down for the three. The frustration grows to confusion because the men are starting to break up pin attempts.  Its an elimination match!

Jericho avoids one RKO but gets caught in the second one.  Randy takes the moment to celebrate and a moment is all that is needed. Jack Swagger sneaks behind and catches Orton with a roll up.  Jack Swagger is going to WrestleMania.

Holy crap that’s a big win.

No shit.  That big match right into the 3 on 3.  I just cannot predict a damn thing tonight.

John Cena, Sheamus and Ryback vs. The Shield.

The Shield enter through the crowd and the super team is there to meet them.  Three on three brawl and the match has yet to officially begin.  The super heroes all hit suplexes and I guess that’s enough time to get everyone in position and the match officially starts.

Sheamus and Dean Ambrose begin.  Sheamus collapses Dean’s chest and fights off Seth for fun.  Roman provides the distraction and Dean gets to knock Sheamus down.  Quick tag and the massive Roman Reigns is in the ring and doing a good job of beating down Sheamus.

The Shield start hitting quick tags and a fast attack.  Its starting to get good but the hot tag spot comes way too soon.  Cena gets into the match and single handed takes out the Shield.  Thankfully Dean gets the referee’s attention for long enough to allow his teammates to take down Cena.

I think Cole has said “frenzy” three times by now.  Keeping count has now become a necessity.

The dueling Cena chants are deafening.  Cena sucks was much louder at first but now its only caused the children to scream that much harder.  These chants will be a huge part of the next Cena highlight video.  Whether his return from injury, or a hall of fame induction.

Shield plays the numbers game so well.  As soon as Cena fights back, the first man is back up and ready to take him down.  Having Roman as the angrier one of the group is working well.  He gets frustrated and that will cause the Shield’s mistake.  But that mistake has not taken place yet.  Again, quick tags and these rookies are still keeping John Cena down.  Super Cena comes back and yet Dean Ambrose now fights back and plants him for a two count after a DDT.  Any other wrestler would be done but unfortunately this is Super Cena.

Cena dumps Ambrose to the outside.  The fans chant Feed Me More begging for the hot tag.  And they get it.  Ryback plows through all three members.  He even throws them into each otehr.  Roman Reigns comes back with all that size and stalls the Ryback.  Shield knocks Sheamus to the outside and starts to swarm.  Roman spears Sheamus through the retaining wall and almost destroys Lillian Garcia in the process.  Ryback catches Seth coming off the top but there’s Dean with the save.  Shield goes for the Triple power bomb but Cena trips up Roman.  Cena hits an AA but Ryback is stuffed.  Roman spears Ryback and Seth gets the pin.  The Shield wins again!

Fuckin A, Roman’s spear might be the most devastating in all of wrestling now.

Ryback walks off frustrated.  Cena and Sheamus both wonder what the hell happened.  Someone is going to change sides or alter their character after this one.

Dolph Ziggler comes out, very upset that he doesn’t have a match tonight.  AJ and Big E are with him.  Pictures of AJ to follow.

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Dolph says Jack Swagger wont win the title, because he is due to have it next.  Booker T comes out to respond to Ziggler’s comments.    Booker says he has someone just as athletically gifted as Dolph.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston.

These two have fought each other so many times we are no doubt about to have a great impromptu match.  Which Ziggler better win.  Dolph’s crew starts to control the match.  Big E gets hit with a tope.  AJ tries to distract Kofi.  The referee gets confused.  None of it works though.  Now Big E is down and Dolph is trying to fight back to his feet.

Dolph picks up Kofi not for a super-plex, but to drop Kofi onto the turnbuckle.  Impressive new move.  He follows it up with a Zig Zag for the pin.  Nice quick and good match.

Big E Langston decides to head back to the ring and beat up Kofi Kingston for awhile.  With those legs I’d really prefer that Big E wears some longer trunks.

When the hell did Kofi get all the tattoos?

Brodus Clay shows off some new WWE toys.  Tensai, or “Sweet T” comes to be the Charlie Brown of WWE.  His tattoos are supposed to be Japanese words of honor but he worries with his luck its a sushi menu.  That and Naomi pulled the football away.

Tamina Snuka vs. Kaitlyn (Divas champion).

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Tamina should be doing a lot better considering her lineage.  Other Divas are watching this match in the back.  The Funkadactyls, Natalya, blonde Layla and unknown (proabably Aksana).  This is a sad Divas division.  2CW had better women wrestling this weekend than the biggest wrestling company on Earth has on the entire roster.

Tamina fights back, hits some moves and goes for the Superfly Splash.  Kaitlyn moves out of the way and answers back with a spear.  After Roman earlier tonight no one should be hitting spears.  They look weaker in comparison.  Still enough for Kaitlyn to win though.

CM Punk (with Paul Heyman and possession of the title) vs The Rock (WWE Champion).

Punk and Rock are starting off slow.  Feeling each other out?  I am starting to wonder what the level of friendship and respect is between the two men.

Remember, if Rock loses the match by DQ he will also lose the title.  Punk is trying to piss the Rock off so he goes too far.  Great story for the match.  Punk comes back and spits, literally spits, in the Rock’s face.  Oh this is going to be a crazy match.

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Just as loud as the dueling Cena chants are the “Lets go Rocky” “CM Punk” chants.  Same people chanting each from the sounds of it.

The anti Paul Heyman is starting to bother me.  Here you go King.  If it wasn’t for ECW, the Attitude era would not have been created.   If not for the Attitude era WWE would have lost the ratings war to WCW.  It has been said many times that WWE was hurting financially during this time.  Therefore, if WCW had won, you King may not have a job today.  So to take this long walk home — without Paul Heyman you wouldn’t have a job.

Back from my rant, Punk has worn the Rock down.  That or he took a nap and went and filmed a movie in his subconscious.  CM Punk has worn down the Rock but the problem is he’s starting to get too cocky about it.  Rock is barely kicking out of the counts, but he is kicking out.

Punk gets too frustrated that Rock keeps fighting back.  Heyman helps to distract the referee so Punk can set up some damage.  CM Punk hits the Rock Bottom on the Spanish announce table!  The title will change on a count out as well tonight.  Despite logic, the Rock makes it back to the ring before the 10 count.  Super Cena must have left some bits of gamma rays behind for the Rock to find some meta human level.

Punk tries everything and its not enough.  He flies off the ropes but the Rock catches him with the Rock Bottom.  Two count only.  Punk tries to leave but Rock tosses him back in.  Paul distracts the referee and CM Punk throws Rock into the referee.  One GTS later and it backfires for him.  Punk has hit his finisher but the referee is down!  Punk goes for a second GTS but the Rock fights out and hits the People’s Elbow.  A second referee slides in and thankfully Punk kicks out.

I don’t know if I could have taken him getting pinned by the elbow twice.

Punk rolls over the second referee and pops his ankle.  The Rock is down again, but again we are without a referee.  Paul runs for the WWE title and hands it to Punk.  Punk tries to hit Rock with the title but he clobbers Heyman instead.  A referee slides in and gives the Rock the win.

That was a bit of an over booked ending.

 

 

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