One night after the Elimination Chamber and driving full speed down the Road to WrestleMania its time to review the three hour hype machine known as WWE Raw!

 

I know Alberto, I cant believe its time for Smarked for Death again either!

John Cena comes out and tells the one, maybe two, people in the audience who didn’t watch the PPV nor looked up results the next day what happened.  Hey we got two title matches and I’m in one of them.  Well good for you John.  CM Punk comes out in frustration.  Punk seems to have some Edge like qualities.  Ultimate opportunist.  Always in the title picture.  Punk says Cena has never beat him and thus he should get to face the Rock at ‘Mania.  Bunch of words, some excellent points and it seems surprising that this match is even being mentioned.  John Cena offers up his shot at the title if CM Punk can beat him.  Somehow this match is actually going to happen.  Next week on free TV, John Cena vs. CM Punk for the spot at WrestleMania.  There is always a lot of hyperbole on wrestling shows, but that may actually be the biggest main event in the history of Raw.

 

Oh I’m going to give you such a noogie!

Backstage, Josh Matthews tries to interview Sheamus but Ryback is pacing back and forth in anger.  Both men are upset about losing to the Shield but they start to focus their anger at each other.  Ryback heel turn being prepared here?  The voice of reason comes in and its… Chris Jericho?  Jericho says he’s seen groups like this come in before.  The nWo.  Nexus.  Nexus?  Um, Chris…

Anyways, Jericho gets last night’s teammates back on the same page and tries to book a huge match for later tonight.  Well that will be interesting.

Mark Henry vs. Sin Cara.

Just destruction.  Mark is reminding everyone that he is a beast and no one can stand up to him.  Sin Cara is destroyed and pinned.

 

Heyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

Hoooooooooooo.

Mark attacks Sin Cara some more after the match and to the rescue comes… The Great Khali?  Well that’s odd.  Mark leaves the ring and says he’s already beat Khali and he’s not here to dance.  Damn.  I mean it is a chicken shit heel move to back away from the fight, but he did it in such a way that you just have to agree with his argument.  Well done.

The Miz vs. Antonio Cesaro in a No Disqualification Match.

After the events of last night’s show this rematch takes place.  Is this for the title as well?  If it is I’m predicting a title change.

Antonio tries to run Miz into the wall again, but Miz knows that trick now.  Cesaro gets the Awesome one down long enough to hunt underneath the ring.  He comes back with a kendo stick and a chair and uses it against the injured challenger.  Miz tries to fight back but Antonio is at 100% and keeps stopping Mizanin.  Cesaro works over the injured appendage with arm bars and chair assisted stretches.  Antonio tries to run Miz into the turnbuckle and a chair but Miz evades it.  Cesaro runs his knee into one chair and his chest into another.  He drops down clutching his knee and Miz takes advantage of it with his new Figure Four.  Antonio is still grasping at his leg and has no choice but to tap out.

Yeah, not a title match.  But now I’m wondering if this will continue through to WrestleMania.

Apparently Zeb and Jack have their own YouTube channel now.  This is becoming the perfect foil to Alberto Del Rio but I’m curious how its going to remain TV PG and not racist.  For Swagger to just come back a short time ago this is a great fast build up for a main event.  I cant wait to hear Jack and Del Rio dueling promos.

Daniel Bryan is still mad at Kane over last night’s match.  They have some angry words but Kane then calls Bryan a snake and says he doesn’t trust snakes.  Randy Orton appears like a creeper and wonders what Kane has against snakes.  Orton then claims Kane has lost all his aura and even goes as far as calling the big red machine, Barney.

Yes, because what everyone wanted was a Kane vs Randy Orton rematch.

Vickie Guerrero tells Paul Heyman she has dramatic news for him that will effect his career.  But that will be later tonight. I’m honestly not expecting much here.

 

Is Dolph pumped up or rocking out?

Dolph Ziggler (with AJ and Big E Langston) vs. Alberto Del Rio (World champion, with Ricardo Rodriguez).

 

Big E shows incredible self control.  Don’t look.  Don’t look.

Holy crap this is one hell of a match.  Counter for counter.  Both men seem to have it won at various times.  Its honestly WrestleMania worthy.  Del Rio continues to be impressive as hell.  Dolph is growing in confidence and is always better against an opponent he has faced before.  Its too fast to write everything, but probably the best free match of the week.

Big E tries to interfere but to no avail.  Dolph attempts to sneak in a Zig Zag but Del Rio fights him off and locks on the arm bar.

 

This is not a screen shot of the new WWE figures that link up and roll around and beat each other up.  Although it looks like it.

As if the match wasn’t great enough it gets even more exciting.  Big E comes in and destroys Del Rio.  Dolph gets up, sees the carnage and grabs the briefcase.  Ricardo dives in and grabs it before Dolph can cash in!  Big E gives chase to Ricardo who drops the briefcase.  AJ brings it back but by now Del Rio has recovered and kicks Dolph in the head.  Wow that was intense.

 

Why does everyone look down on Dolph?

Wade Barrett comes out to play the trailer for his new movie.  Well, the new movie he’s in.  It actually looks pretty good.  Sheamus interrupts, says Wade is not the stay and then says we’re out of time.  That was very odd.

I gotta admit, these new WWE figures look like lots of fun.

Epico, Primo AND Rosa vs. Brodus Clay, Tensai and Naomi (with Cameron).

 

Whoa Tensai look at that booty over there.  How’s my hair?

 

The booty in question.

Wow.  I am impressed.  One, WWE needs to start pushing Rosa some more.  Hell, Naomi and Cameron too.  Beautiful non blonde girls that weren’t horrible in the ring.  Two, obviously we know who is going to win but these two giants have clicked very well in a very short amount of time.  This will actually work for Tensai.  The call my momma double splash is a decisive finisher.  Who the hell will get up from that?

Highlights of WWE announcing WrestleMania XXX in New Orleans.

Zeb and Jack Swagger come out to give their State of the Union.  Finally they mention Alberto Del Rio as a man from another country who came into the United States illegally to take advantage of our country.  Del Rio should have come out to respond, but he’ll get there.  This match is being built up quite well.

Jack Swagger vs. Daniel Bryan.

This was actually a fun match but mired by so many other things going on with it.  Swagger’s We the People gimmick.  Bryan selling injuries from last night.  Obviously Swagger is going to have to go over because he is the one with a World title shot.  I’d love to see these two wrestle again in about 2 months after both their current WrestleMania stories are over.

Vickie Guerrero brings out Paul Heyman for whatever her life changing announcement is going to be.  I would love to see a ratings breakdown for these Vickie segments.  She can do most if not all of this from backstage.  But its like they want to give fans a bathroom break.  Anyways, Vickie announces she is going to have an assistant… and that assistant is Brad Maddox?!  Wow this could lead to some great angles.  Brad is actually really good on the mic.  And the way that he says he’s assistant managing supervisor, instead of assistant to.  Its just one word but that makes all the difference.  Paul has had enough and attempts to walk away but Vince McMahon appears on the Titan Tron.  Vince is going to come back, and he’s going to fight Paul Heyman.  Well that will be bizarre.

Also, I’m going to guess Paul brings Brock Lesnar as backup and Vince brings Triple H, thus setting up that match.

Chris Jericho, Sheamus and Ryback vs. The Shield.

Ryback gets a little too aggressive and the match almost ends before it begins on a disqualification.  Jericho and Ambrose go at it and I love that the announcers are just going with the Dean is a strange guy angle.  Roman in the ring now against Sheamus and I really want to see a spear tonight.  Sheamus gets Roman’s number and hits White Noise.  He is preparing for the Brogue Kick but Seth pulls Roman out of the ring.  Dean gets a Brogue Kick instead.

 

Dean!  Dean!  Ehhh you work hard, go ahead and take a nap.

Back from commercial break and Shield took control back somehow.  Ryback gets the hot tag and looks to win the match all by himself.  He picks Seth up for the Shell Shock but Roman runs in with a spear.  Its almost enough for a two count but the match continues.  Shield wears down and beats down Ryback.  Its my favorite kind of booking, Dragonball Z booking.  Build up a guy has a huge threat that takes incredible efforts to beat.  Then when someone new comes in and beats that person easily, this new force is instantly made as a threat.

Ryback moves out of the way just in time and Roman crashes into the ring post.  Jericho gets the hot tag and takes down both Seth and Dean.  Dean kicks out of a Lionsault.  Roman and Seth take out Ryback on the outside.  Jericho has Dean in the Walls of Jericho.  Sheamus and Roman fight to the outside.  Seth comes flying off the ropes and kicks Jericho in the head.  Dean pins Jericho.  Holy crap what a finish.

Damien Sandow comes out and cuts a long promo before his match against Kofi Kingston.  Damien ends it by hitting Kofi with the microphone and then attacking him repeatedly.  The match never begins because Damien is too busy beating the hell out of Kofi to let him up long enough to ring the bell.  Kofi’s former tag team partner R-Truth returns and fights off Damien.  So will Damien team with Cody again or is this going to be a one on one feud?

GI Joe commercial.  Yes, I will see it.

Fandango promos are getting weirder and weirder every week.

Randy Orton vs. Kane.

Oh I cant think of a match I want to watch less right now.  Its honestly not an enjoyable match.  As longtime readers know I’m not a fan of Randy Orton.  And Kane only clicks with certain people.  Orton is not one of those people.  Anyways, Daniel Bryan comes out to “help” his tag team partner.  All this does is distract Kane and Randy Orton takes advantage with an RKO.

Holy fuck.  WWE sucks Rock’s dick with a marching band.  Well only the drum section for Rock’s actual entrance.  Your woodwinds and brass section couldn’t learn the Rock’s theme?!  Do it all the way or don’t do it.  The Rock’s shirt doesn’t say just bring half of it.

The Rock says the spinner title is a joke.  The title shouldn’t look like a toy, it should look inspiring and timeless for all past and future WWE champions.  The Rock unveils the new WWE title.  You know, the still images of it are shit but moving around and having all the lights reflect off of it, that’s a pretty looking title.

Brahma bull plates on the side, but I don’t see the plate for the current champion.  I’m going to guess that the plates will change with each champion.  It will take some getting used to.  The title looks small in Rock’s hand then huge on his shoulder.  Rock says between CM Punk and John Cena there is one man he would rather wrestle, for both personal and professional reasons.  Before he can say which, John Cena comes out.  Cena doesn’t get a chance to say anything before CM Punk comes out and hits him with the spinner title!  Well that was one of the most symbolic moves in wrestling history.  Punk tosses the title on and over the fallen Cena points at not the Rock but the new belt and says “I want that one.”

Well that was one hell of a way to get the title over.