The Smarked for Death Wrestling Review for WWE Old School Raw 3/4/13.

Finally I get to watch Raw!

ClassicWWE

Undertaker returns.  We all know what’s coming.  The set up for Punk vs. Taker.  Lets skip ahead.

I really really love these Old School Raw episodes.  Seeing the old graphics, the old footage, fireworks and the music never fails to make me feel like I’ve been a part of something special over the years.  I was there when these historic moments happened.  WWE has been a part of my life second only to comics.  Seeing the red white and blue ropes and the old guard rails makes the inner child smile.

UndertakerEntrance

CM Punk comes out and he wants the Undertaker.  Good, we all want to see that match too.  But Randy Orton, Big Show and Sheamus all want that number one spot too.  I smell a match.  Sure enough Vickie Guerrero comes out to announce a Fatal 4 Way match with the winner facing the Undertaker.  Sounds like one hell of a main event.

Also, lets give credit to Vickie Guerrero.  Yes, she’s thicker.  Guess what she always will be.  But she looks fantastic.  Who would have thought just a couple of years ago that she would ever pull off the dress she’s wearing tonight.  Who gets to pull it off, by the way?  She must have a man in her life.  One of the wrestlers?  Leave a comment if you know.

BoxInterview

Antonio Cesaro (United States champion) vs. Ryback.

Its almost a damn shame that Ryback is being built up so much and is so, dare I say, protected.  A fair match between the two, with both men already established to a level that a loss wont hurt either, would be very good.  Cesaro brings out a different wrestler in Ryback.  He needs to think a little more, try a little harder.  Every time, and this time included, Antonio comes so close to winning.  Ryback powers out of the Neutralizer though and hits Shell Shock for the pin.

On his way to the back Ryback walks past Mark Henry.  There is a tense moment and this could go somewhere very interesting.

Mark Henry vs. Zack Ryder.

Nothing more than a squash.  Mark Henry very easily destroys Ryder.  So I guess its like a throwback to the days of Superstars and Wrestling Challenge.

GoingMyWay

The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler (with AJ and Big E Langston).

Miz isn’t alone for long, as he introduces his new mentor, Ric Flair.

Miz and Flair treat the opening of the match like a party.  Good move to get the crowd behind the Nature Boy and the heir apparent.  Classic old school booking because when we come back from break and the Miz is down it means something.  Dolph is showing off his skills and adds new twists to classic moves like the headlock.

I feel bad saying it, but Dolph is bringing out the best in the Miz.  Nothing against Dolph but in theory Miz has been more successful and thus should be leading the match more.  But Dolph is doing a hell of a job.  He even out plays the dirtiest player in the game.  AJ distracts the referee and Big E takes out Miz.  All right in front of Flair.

Its somehow not enough though.  Miz fights back and gets Dolph into the Figure Four, which he applies well this time.  Dolph taps and continues to not be built up as a future World champion.

Hmmm…. What’s that?  The Rock and John Cena are going to talk for awhile.  Oh sweet Christmas.  I’ll be back in a bit.  Make a sandwich, go to the bathroom. This will take far too long.  If there are any highlights I’ll be sure to comment.

Its not bad but really both men have the same point.  I need to win this match, I must win, this victory will ensure my greatness.  Blah blah.  I’ll give credit to Rock for flipping the script (as the kids say) on that Lance Armstrong quote.

Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter) vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan (with Sgt Slaughter and Dusty Rhodes).

The fans are beyond happy for the Legends.  Swagger doesn’t want to deal with Hacksaw’s shenanigans so he grabs the trademark 2×4 and drives it into all three legends.  An easy thing to do now that their stomachs are bigger.  Swagger locks on the Patriot Act just for fun.  Great heel heat here.

The Prime Time Players vs. Team Hell No (WWE Tag Team Champions).

Prime Time Players say they’re worth millions of dollars so they bring out, the Million Dollar Man with them.  Ted DiBiase says he’ll consider managing the PTP if they beat the tag champions.  Brilliant way to get Ted senior out there tonight.

PTP really deserve to get some wins and a title reign.  Great chemistry and charisma.  Everyone does pretty well here tonight but you just know who will win.  Its not about title changes tonight, its about Old School Raw.  The champions get the win and speaking of Old School the Million Dollar Man sticks a hundred dollar bill in Darren’s mouth.  But then Daniel Bryan comes back to take it!  Damn that was good.

MillionLaughs

Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” Tensai (with Naomi and Cameron) vs. Heath Slater and Drew McIntyre (with Jinder Mahal).

3MB are already in the ring, so the Honky Tonk Man could get his own entrance.  Then Tensai pins McIntyre in about two seconds.  So everyone dances.  Alright I am loving Old School Raw but that was a waste of time for 8 people out there.

Heath comes back to break up the dance party and gets a classic Honky Tonk guitar smash for his troubles.  Then more dancing!

Fandango has dancers?!  Well, a dancer.  Also, its Old School Raw and they don’t bring out a classic Diva for this role?  Missed opportunity!  Fandango refuses to wrestle yet again because the A’s don’t breathe.  Maybe he’ll debut in Oakland.

Triple H comes out to challenge Brock Lesnar and… that’s it.  Whole lot of talking on this episode.

The Shield films a Blair Witch found footage video.  Again, more and more talking.

Wade Barrett (Intercontinental champion) vs. Alberto Del Rio (World champion, with Ricardo Rodriguez).

Wade is becoming a very poorly booked champion.  Not a whole lot of victories.  Possibly not any of note.  Jack Swagger and Zeb come out to watch the match.  I don’t know if Wade doesn’t care right now or if he’s being booked horribly.  From future world champion to why the hell does he have a title?  Del Rio controls the entire match.  Wade gets in a little offense but that’s like saying a mouse gets in some offense against a cat.  Del Rio wins.

New Age Outlaws vs. Epico and Primo (with Rosa Mendes).

This is the New Age Outlaws first match on Raw in 13 years.  13 years?!  Wow I am just stunned.  And I feel old.  Also, poor booking WWE.  We all love the Outlaws but absolutely no focus on Rosa?  She is your only Hispanic woman on the roster and has a huge fan base.  Really, WWE is just leaving money on the table every time they ignore the women.

Epico and Primo control the match.  As they should.  A current team should look stronger than anyone who hasn’t tagged (well on Raw) in 13 years.  That said, Billy hits the Fame-asser for the pin.  That’s a pretty big win really.  Could the Outlaws be back for a while?

All of the WWE Superstars come out to wish a happy 90th birthday to Mae Young.  Who the hell is in the yellow shirt and pony tail?  Has a big dopey grin.  Standing next to Vickie.  Anyways, Mean Gene comes out to introduce Mae.  The Divas help Mae come out.  Mae’s birthday party is being surrounded by numerous scantily clad women.  CM Punk interrupts and… oh he just interrupts and we’re on to the next segment.  Please tell me that he came out then so WWE didn’t play enough of the Happy Birthday song to have to pay the rights holders for it?  WWE will spend millions on lots of shit but fuck you we’re not paying a few bucks to sing a song.

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton vs. Big Show vs. Sheamus.  Winner will face the Undertaker at WrestleMania XXIX.

The match was far too quick to get good.  Plus, we all knew who was going to win.  There is no logical nor money reason for Orton, Sheamus or Big Show to face Undertaker.  CM Punk is the only logical choice and it took everything out of this match.

Punk wins, for those of you who may have not seen it coming.  Undertaker comes out and they look at each other.  It was all a bit lackluster but hey, the match is official now.

ItsOn

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