I’m sure I had this toy as a kid. Long gone by now. But I remember having adventures in “the woods” (the neighbor’s house with 5 trees). Rambo, then a GI Joe costume, and I’m sure there were more creations.

Plus what could be more kid friendly than a plastic jade Buddha. One loop of string too. Which meant squeezing it over your head, bending your ears so much blood vessels broke inside, caving in eye sockets, and finally choking yourself out with the jolly green no where near a giant. I believe the Buddha himself said: “Pain is certain. Suffering is optional.” As this terminal twine twists taut thwarting the throat’s thruway.

Try cutting it off with enclosed knife to no avail. This knife couldn’t cut butter. It couldn’t cut the tension in a heated argument over collectors at a Rambo toy convention. Ram-Con. No, that doesn’t work.

How long have I been without air? Let me check the watch. Oh good it’s 10:05. When I put this on it was 10:05. Funny thing is I don’t remember winding the watch up. Or putting in batteries. Also I’m pretty sure it was past 11 when I went into the woods. Something isn’t adding up here.

It adds up as much as a kids toy based on an R rated film series. Which also had a Saturday morning cartoon. Hey kids, you know that violent action movie series mom and dad won’t let you rent on VHS? Now there’s a saccharine version for you!

There were action figures as well. Reenact prison firehouse showers with this new line from Coleco! Get lots of no name toy soldiers for him to kill (438 as of last movie count).

All of this fun can be yours for the price of a peg hook toy at the local mom and pop pharmacy/convenience store.